And on the eve of an election, a semicolon...

It's  four a.m. and I can't sleep. Like a new mother, I'm alerting to every sigh and whimper coming from the room of our daughters, now twelve and almost ten. I keep wandering in, covering them, kissing them or stroking back their hair.

In the next twenty-four hours our lives will change. By the following morning, my daughters will either be living in a nation honoring it's first female president or in a nation that chose to lead it a man whose history of objectifying women is fact and common knowledge. We are on the cusp of history in the making ... and I find it painful to leave their room.

A semicolon is a pause in the action, a breath taken in to continue speaking ... tonight I'm stuck in that semicolon, caught between The United States Before the Election of 2016 and The United States After the Election of 2016. I'm struggling to exhale.

This is not a peaceful pause. This place I, we, are stuck should be thrilling and heady for those who choose to vote for Hillary Clinton. Yet for some the alternative scares us so deeply to our cores that the exuberance and joy is tarnished by anxiety and pain. Women and men who have been violated in their past have had that dragged out of their psyches and broken open, not by choice but by a presidential election!

Many are struggling to stay positive, thankful for the chance to connect with others for support and solidarity (I'm looking at you, Pantsuit Nation, currently at 2.4 MILLION members). Many other voters are trying to build back up the boundaries ripped down by this election year.

 I'm both terrified and eager to let go of the Before and see what happens on the other side of this historical semicolon. We have weeks worth of news and debate footage, articles and analysis that could take months to pour over.  It's very rare in life that one gets a chance to record a Before and After that has taken hold of our nation the way this election has.

In the early hours before the polls open, I chose to record the part of this election that mattered most to me. My daughters may never understand why I took pictures of their soft, sleeping faces tonight but staring in the face of such a life-altering After, I realized I needed to record my Before. And somehow find a way to exhale.

Giving Thanks. 2015.

Goals.

I talk quite a bit about goals in this blog. My daughters' school focuses on having GRIT and perseverance to meet your goals. My Jamberry Team Leader offers us training, leadership insights and encourages us to impress the importance of writing down your goals and making them real. But my first adult Goal Epiphany was thanks to Sensei Jimmy Pedro at Pedro's Judo Club in Wakefield, MA. You've read about this in the past here, but hear me out...

Three years ago, my then five year old was begging for martial arts classes. We had tried karate over a summer and something was missing. As my father (and I briefly) had trained  in judo, I knew the differences between the sports. By watching her on the karate mat I saw immediately that what she needed she would find in judo.

But there was a catch. A big, freakin, chronically-ill-mom-walking-with-a-cane catch...

Pedro's Judo is up thirty-two stairs. THIRTY TWO. Straight up, big warehouse style steps. Dang. We'd been to a children's party there that summer and I knew how precisely  how hard  it was for me to get up there and how lightheaded I was when it came time to drive home.

I sat in the small corner office with head instructor, Sensei Riley McIlwain and watched him do a mini teaching session with my little maniac. Oh man, she glowed. She was elated, ecstatic, like I've never seen over an activity. She was HAPPY.

And I felt fear. Deep, cold gut chilling momma-fear that I would let her down.

In that moment, before I ever heard a word about the importance of goal setting, something crystallized in my mind: I would get Maddie to this dojo twice a week, every week, for as long as she wants to train. Period.

In the years following I've had the honor of hearing Sensei Jimmy Pedro and later, Senseis Kayla Harrison and Travis Stevens speak multiple times on the power of goal setting, goal directed guided imagery and their direct impact on success. Tonight, about three years later, I listened as they spoke again.

The past three years have been rough physically - a few times I've sat in the parking lot after class with my head on the steering wheel, crying while I summoned the grit to drive home safely through a blur of fatigue and pain but other nights...

Other nights I open the windows and sing along with the radio at the top of my lungs as the tears pour down my face. I sing to give voice to the pain and anger, the power and grief and the huge, glorious, hard earned pride that stream from me as I make that short drive.

In three years, my daughters have never missed a single judo class because of my body. Twice, then three times, now four times a week, I stand at the bottom of those steps and take a deep breath. When I get up to the dojo, friends and acquaintances ask me how I'm doing and a select few there truly understand how much I mean when I say, "I made it up the steps; it's a good day."

I never knew what Pedro's would do for me, and it happened before my daughter or I ever stepped foot on the mat. For this and so much more, I am humbly, deeply grateful.

Doumo arigatou gozaimashita, Senseis Pedro and McIlwain. See you tomorrow.

Edited to add...
It dawned on me this morning that this goal has accomplished one more thing: through meeting my goal every week, every set of stairs, I model for my daughters an example of a strong, committed, powerful woman. And that's all I've ever wanted to achieve.

Original posts ...
9/20/12 A Goal Set is a Goal Met

11/22/2012 A Goal Set: Thanksgiving Update

11/27/2014 A Heart Full of Joy

A Heart Full of Joy

Some years are more challenging than others - no one will argue with that. Looking back, 2014 was a particularly rough year for my family and for many families dear to us. 

But! I am thankful that it was also an amazing year :) My daughters are enjoying happy, exciting years at school, both are surpassing challenging health issues and both had the amazing experience of medalling at the U.S. Judo Junior Open. Paul has found satisfaction at his new job . And thanks to the encouragement of friends and family, I found myself owning a new business.

If you've read my blog, you know how I've struggled with the invisibility, the isolation of chronic illness. I eventually lost the struggle with my body and had to retire from the judo mat, heartbroken and angry at my body for it's limitations. Until one is benched by injury, pain, illness or mobility issues, one doesn't realize how much self worth is gained from DOING, from simply being productive. This spring I took a leap and became an Independent Jamberry Consultant. I figured I'd have some fun selling a product I like, maybe contribute a little to my family coffers ... I never expected it to become so much more.

What began as a lark has become a source of pride, challenge, friendship and laughter ... just like that, my circle has widened. My favorite thing about this experience has been getting to share the excitement and challenges of my colleagues and team members. So far Jamberry has helped pay for two family vacations and a weekend away for my birthday. For someone who hasn't been part of financially contributing to the home in years, this made my heart swell with joy.

So this year I am thankful for the challenges we weathered together, our family and friends who stood by our side and my new Jamberry family that had help me find myself again.

Wishing you and yours a Happy Thanksgiving and a safe, healthy New Year!

Original posts ...
9/20/12 A Goal Set is a Goal Met

11/22/2012 A Goal Set: Thanksgiving Update

Updated 6/23/2015 Giving Thanks. 2015.

Ego and the Art of ...

I've spent  a great deal of my life with a "Hey, look at me!" drive somehow lodged in my brain. For the life of me, I can't figure out where it came from - my parents gave me plenty of support, praise and attention but I still always craved being different, elite ... noticed.

In early life through college I tried to find satisfaction in this through many paths - ballroom dancing, judo, acting, yoga, basketball, choosing a unique major ... singing. Some people on driven paths just have fun with their art. Others challenge themselves with personal goals or strive to make a career using their craft . Some lonely few are just trying to fill that young need to stand out, be praised.

Look how _______  I am!
Flexible
Talented
Compassionate
Resilient
Different
Crunchy
Strong
Brave
Intelligent
Powerful

Some people know I get injured easily in yoga because I have poor proprioception , meaning my brain doesn't interpret signs from my connective tissue and muscles well. You know that feeling that says "WHOOOOOOAA baby, slow down"?People with poor proprioception don't hear that voice soon enough ... if they hear it at all. Well, I have a dirty secret: the other reason I got hurt frequently in the first decade or so of my practice. Most of my practice. Almost all of my practice.

Ego.

"I've been practicing for years, I can do the advanced variation. I don't need no stinkin block. Can the teacher see me?"

Sigh.

It can be nauseating to face such a shallow, vulnerable, reaching part of oneself and think, "Why can I not let this go?" When I closed my business and stepped away from the babywearing community, I lost more than I outwardly expressed. Yes, it was income, it was a business I loved and enjoyed, it was my tribe ... but it was also Ego. I was a known name in the babywearing community (for better or for worse) and I felt like I went from being Someone to being invisible.

Recently after two years of web-based home yoga practice through YogaGlo ("Who needs a level one class? This level three can't be too ... ow!) I began an amazing Gentle Yoga class at our local YMCA. The teacher's wry sense of humor and deliberate positioning of her mat (putting the students' backs to the mirror) began to quicken that slow-to-develop part of me. Rather than striving to be the best, to get attention, I was led inward. Apparently the path to letting go of the Ego was to let go of letting go?

The relaxation (not to mention lack of injury) engendered by this absence of internal conflict translated to my muscles as well as to my heart and mind. I began reaching with joy and contentment in my poses, relishing the release as opposed to straining for some unreasonable goal.

Ironically, the day after I realized this shift, my teacher drew the classes attention to the form of my pose with a lovely compliment. I thought about it on the way home, concerned at how my Ego would handle this ... in the past this would have spiked my excitement, distracting me from the class and prompting me to focus on the outward instead of the inward. She brought it up again at the next class - this time her flattery giving me warm fuzzies and slight embarrassment instead of my usual giddiness.

I pondered.

A wise Guru in the tradition of Aghor Yoga, Baba Harihar Ramji of Sonoma Ashram, spoke to me once in darshan. A personal interaction with a Guru, darshan can be anything from a time to speak in private to a blessing to a hug to a simple touch . He reminded me of the importance of detaching oneself from things that draw upon our energy. Detach our energy from the situation, step back and decide how, if at all, to better contribute our energy to the situation. In satsang (a lesson or teaching time, generally in a group), Babaji extended this metaphor to thoughts intruding on our yoga practice. Detach your energy from the thought, acknowledge the thought and allow it to flow by, no longer held by our attention to it.

I realized I had done the same thing with Ego. Encouraged by the manner and teachings of my instructor, I naturally detached myself from my Ego. I stopped trying to force it into submission; I stopped feeding it with striving for more praise. I just stepped back. I slid so easily, effortlessly into this state of mind that when complimented I stayed detached ... watching my ego cherish the compliment but not giving it any energy ... and then moving on.

It has been years from since my day with Babaji and I'm quite certain my yoga teacher never put "change Melissa's existence" into her daily plan. Yet here it is, a shift that has led to my increased relaxation and enjoyment of my yoga practice. How else will this small drop ripple my pond?




**I am in no way connected or receive reimbursement/product/kickbacks/magic powers from any of the companies mentioned here. All products or services mentioned were purchased by me.**

Peace, my friend...

Today (and many other days) I'm proud to be a Babywearer. Take a second, hop over here and see what that really means. It's not just about using a sling ...  Finding Your Tribe

Divorce~Bankruptcy~Death~Birth~Infertility~Bedrest~Floods~Abuse~Surgery~Forclosure~Disability~Job Loss~Adoption~Drug Abuse

My friends, my Babywearers have had each other's backs for all of these. No, not in a "type in a forum" sense. In a fundraising, sending clothes, providing legal resources, middle of the night phone call sense.

Today we lift up one of our own, Bruce C Rosenberg, Lord of the Slings as he takes his Victory Lap. Bruce, you will always be A Babywearer.

Om. Om. Om.
Lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu
Lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu
Lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu

may all the beings in all the worlds be happy, healthy and free from pain

Om nama shivaya

I love you Rosenburgs

Peace.

Talking with small kids is an amazing way to really think about things. I don't mean talking TO kids, or AT them ... I'm referring to actually having a conversation. When an adult has a chance to look at a situation or a thing through a child's eyes they are often surprised at how different it looks.

During graduate school I had the chance to help a family cope with a complicated situation. A teenage girl was in a bad car accident. Thankfully she was going to be fine but she had extensive facial bruising, and an arm and a leg both in casts. The family's biggest concern was how her grandmother was going to take seeing her in that condition. I can't remember if she had anxiety or heart issues but my supervisor in the Child Life department had the idea that the grandmother bring in the teen patient's little sister for her first visit ... and before the young girl went into the room, I would prepare the child for what she would see. In front of her grandmother.

This gave the older woman a chance to be prepared for what SHE would experience in that room, but through the eyes of a six year old.

"Have you ever had a a really bad bump when you fell? How did it feel? What did it look like?"

"It hurt alot but after a while it got better. And it turned funny colors for a while."

"Well when your sister was hurt in the car, something bumped her in the face. Her face has some funny colors on it and its sore but just like your bump, it will get better."

And on, discussing casts, what they are for, what can we do to make her casts look pretty etc.

By the time we finished, the grandmother had visibly calmed down and was able to handle the visit  as well as the small girl. And I learned an amazing lesson.

Recently my fibromyalgia has been getting much much worse than its been in years. I've been trying to help my children understand the changes and support them but as the pain increased I started thinking about myself. Was I going to slip into grief again? Over-do things in my anger that I have limits?

Suddenly a new lens clicked into place. I remember being a senior (I think?) at Arlington Catholic High School and taking a theology course with Mrs. Lussier. Half the year we studied religions of the world and the other half we discussed death, dying and loss. I went on to study it in more depth during my college and graduate school years. Laying in bed last week, unable to sleep from the pain it wasn't college texts or hospice internships that came to mind ... I remembered reading "On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in Mrs. Lussier's class.

The Kubler-Ross model of grieving talks about five stages one might experience during a grief process. Rather than being a continuum of how one is going to feel, folks actually  go in no particular order. Some people may bounce around between them, skip a stage completely ... even come back and re-experience the stages again when reminded of their grief.

Denial. Bargaining. Depression. Anger. Acceptance.

Click.

Living with chronic illness, chronic pain or a disability is living the Kubler-Ross stages. Not occasionally ... it's living them for as long as "chronic" means. But hold on, that's not as bleak as it sounds.

Sure, it means that some event is going to blind-side you and bring on the loss, the grief, the depression again. You're going to be in denial and over do it and stupidly waste energy you desperately need, or worse, injure yourself. The key is to remember that it is all part of a cycle ... and that some day again you will find peace in acceptance. And while that acceptance won't be forever, neither will the rest of it.

Cycle.

So I found I could do this. I could be sick again and hurt again. Knowing that some day I would be at a peaceful place in my cycle of grief, knowing that some day my fibromyalgia would cycle back into a less painful, more energetic state ... those realizations brought peace to my heart. And I slept.

Gonna take a sentimental journey...

...Gonna set my heart at ease.
Gonna make a Sentimental Journey,
to renew old memories...

(quoted from http://www.thesjo.com/pages/dorisday.htm)

In December 2007 I wrote a post on TheBabywearer.com ... for years I was part of an amazing online babywearing community. As first a poster, then later a Boston Babywearers leader, baby carrier retailer, instructor I eventually enjoyed helping TheBabywearer.com as a moderator for the Disabilities, Special Needs, Chronic Illness and Babywearing  forum. It was an active, vibrant part of my life and I am constantly grateful for the amazing gifts babywearing gave my family, along with the amazing friendships I developed.

I'm copying that post over here (and adding on to it) to save it for myself. It's a scrapbook of pictures of a  time I will never forget. For folks who aren't carrier geeks, you won't get what I mean by the carrier names but I hope you enjoy the pictures. You really don't need to look at them all but oh come on ... some of you will. You know who you are!

As a side note, the positioning in many of the early pictures is NOT considered safe by today's standards - precisely why educational groups like Babywearing International and online communities such as TheBabywearer.com are so vital.

Audrey in Rosado - 1 wk old

Audrey with Maid-of-Honor Mommy at her Auntie Carolyn's wedding (almost 4wks old)

Audrey at The Butterfly Place

Audrey in my Ultimate Baby Wrap (don't buy one) and in Daddy's Rosado

Audrey in Sachi Meitai - my first back carry!

Audrey in GypsyMama Poncho (or Melissa dressed as a foothill)

My first back-wrap - Audrey in Storch Ulli

Audrey in Didymos Katja

Audrey wrapping Mickey in a long silk

Audrey in Didy Swing

Audrey in Didymos Fabian and Bjoern

Audrey in Bara Barn Cornflower

Audrey in Bara Barn Chili, Maddie in my tummy at the Cape

Audrey in Didymos Altarosa, Maddie in Tummy ... followed by DH under Altarosa and Audrey on Altarosa...

Audrey in Vatanai Teesta, Maddie in tummy

Audrey on mommy, Maddie in tummy at King Richard's Faire

Hospital stash for Maddie's birth (bottom lt, peanut shell fleece, top lt nat brown indio DIY RS, lt to rt, perlmutt indio, teesta, katya)

Maddie's first wrapjob in Didymos Perlmutt, at 3 days

Leaving the hospital in Peanut Shell (Maddie 5 days)

Maddie at 1 wk 

Maddie's first back carry in Ellaroo Podaegi

Maddie - yep she's really in there (3wks)

Maddie at Stone Zoo Lights. I needed a scarf. (4wks)

Maddie in Vatanai Koira (5wks)

Maddie w/Bridesmaid Mommy in custom Kalea at Uncle Teddy's Wedding (6wks)

Maddie in very special handmade podaegi (6 wks) on Christmas Eve

Happy Maddie!

Audrey in Vatanai Pamir

Maddie in Nori babywearing vest

Maddie asleep w/katja at LLL conference

Maddie, a wrap and a cougar

Maddie in Travelling Tamvickle

Maddie in my very special Taitasi

Maddie after her Christening 

Gore Place Sheepshearing Festival 2007

Maddie (asleep), Paul and I swing dancing in Didymos Bleu Indio at Amy's wedding

Daddy and Maddie at the Stone Zoo

Maddie in Calin Bleu at the Cape and raspberry picking at Brooksby Farm

Audrey in a Ten Toes MT

Audrey bouncing her baby in pouch...

Maddie playing safe in Didymos Kobalt Nino w/wool

 at a Nahant beach clean up(taken by Audrey), Audrey same day)

Maddie 4th of July

At the Butterfly place - 3 years after the first time

Me and my girls, in Didymos Zyklam ... Happy Holidays!

DH and Maddie in Green/black/white indio - his favorite - at the Roger Williams Zoo, and another with both girls....

After 8 weeks unable to babywear due to a serious injury, my doc ok'd short duration wearing...

Maddie at 16m in our favorite snuggle wrap ... Calin Bleu Fleece Candy Stripe...you have no idea what this picture means to me! Well maybe you do - posting it even tho it isn't the most flattering

3 day old niece Lilla in the same wrap

And my sweet nephew Eliot in Laguna Elipsen

almost 4 year old Audrey in her new job as wrap shipper - this earned her a nickle

18m Maddie in our MBD Calyx at the Butterfly Place ... aaaaaaaagain

18m Maddie asleep in Ten Toes mutt

18m Maddieand almost 4 y/o Audrey in arms at the Boys and Girls Club carnival

At a wedding with Maddie in Wendy's dyed Pfau - rockin this ruck in 4in heels!

Audrey wearing that silk again ... age 4

And one sleepless night they BOTH want to be worn ...

  

At the zoo  ... look close and you can see my trusty cane

At a pow-wow 

At the Audobon Society's Garden in The Woods Butterfly Day ... Maddie leading the way with her map in my Naglikti

Maddie asleep in Maruyama at the doctor's office - ruptured eardrum! Amazing doctor did her whole exam while wrapped. March '09

In a fleece blanket after a long day at the beach, April '09

After the Big Apple Circus in Olives in Applesauce, April '09

My last times wearing my littlest one -  February and July, 2010

Maddie age 4y, wearing twins

Wearing my god-daughter, Lorelei Temperance. August, 2011