I've spent a great deal of my life with a "Hey, look at me!" drive somehow lodged in my brain. For the life of me, I can't figure out where it came from - my parents gave me plenty of support, praise and attention but I still always craved being different, elite ... noticed.
In early life through college I tried to find satisfaction in this through many paths - ballroom dancing, judo, acting, yoga, basketball, choosing a unique major ... singing. Some people on driven paths just have fun with their art. Others challenge themselves with personal goals or strive to make a career using their craft . Some lonely few are just trying to fill that young need to stand out, be praised.
Look how _______ I am!
Flexible
Talented
Compassionate
Resilient
Different
Crunchy
Strong
Brave
Intelligent
Powerful
Some people know I get injured easily in yoga because I have poor proprioception , meaning my brain doesn't interpret signs from my connective tissue and muscles well. You know that feeling that says "WHOOOOOOAA baby, slow down"?People with poor proprioception don't hear that voice soon enough ... if they hear it at all. Well, I have a dirty secret: the other reason I got hurt frequently in the first decade or so of my practice. Most of my practice. Almost all of my practice.
Ego.
"I've been practicing for years, I can do the advanced variation. I don't need no stinkin block. Can the teacher see me?"
Sigh.
It can be nauseating to face such a shallow, vulnerable, reaching part of oneself and think, "Why can I not let this go?" When I closed my business and stepped away from the babywearing community, I lost more than I outwardly expressed. Yes, it was income, it was a business I loved and enjoyed, it was my tribe ... but it was also Ego. I was a known name in the babywearing community (for better or for worse) and I felt like I went from being Someone to being invisible.
Recently after two years of web-based home yoga practice through YogaGlo ("Who needs a level one class? This level three can't be too ... ow!) I began an amazing Gentle Yoga class at our local YMCA. The teacher's wry sense of humor and deliberate positioning of her mat (putting the students' backs to the mirror) began to quicken that slow-to-develop part of me. Rather than striving to be the best, to get attention, I was led inward. Apparently the path to letting go of the Ego was to let go of letting go?
The relaxation (not to mention lack of injury) engendered by this absence of internal conflict translated to my muscles as well as to my heart and mind. I began reaching with joy and contentment in my poses, relishing the release as opposed to straining for some unreasonable goal.
Ironically, the day after I realized this shift, my teacher drew the classes attention to the form of my pose with a lovely compliment. I thought about it on the way home, concerned at how my Ego would handle this ... in the past this would have spiked my excitement, distracting me from the class and prompting me to focus on the outward instead of the inward. She brought it up again at the next class - this time her flattery giving me warm fuzzies and slight embarrassment instead of my usual giddiness.
I pondered.
A wise Guru in the tradition of Aghor Yoga, Baba Harihar Ramji of Sonoma Ashram, spoke to me once in darshan. A personal interaction with a Guru, darshan can be anything from a time to speak in private to a blessing to a hug to a simple touch . He reminded me of the importance of detaching oneself from things that draw upon our energy. Detach our energy from the situation, step back and decide how, if at all, to better contribute our energy to the situation. In satsang (a lesson or teaching time, generally in a group), Babaji extended this metaphor to thoughts intruding on our yoga practice. Detach your energy from the thought, acknowledge the thought and allow it to flow by, no longer held by our attention to it.
I realized I had done the same thing with Ego. Encouraged by the manner and teachings of my instructor, I naturally detached myself from my Ego. I stopped trying to force it into submission; I stopped feeding it with striving for more praise. I just stepped back. I slid so easily, effortlessly into this state of mind that when complimented I stayed detached ... watching my ego cherish the compliment but not giving it any energy ... and then moving on.
It has been years from since my day with Babaji and I'm quite certain my yoga teacher never put "change Melissa's existence" into her daily plan. Yet here it is, a shift that has led to my increased relaxation and enjoyment of my yoga practice. How else will this small drop ripple my pond?
**I am in no way connected or receive reimbursement/product/kickbacks/magic powers from any of the companies mentioned here. All products or services mentioned were purchased by me.**
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