Giving Thanks. 2015.

Goals.

I talk quite a bit about goals in this blog. My daughters' school focuses on having GRIT and perseverance to meet your goals. My Jamberry Team Leader offers us training, leadership insights and encourages us to impress the importance of writing down your goals and making them real. But my first adult Goal Epiphany was thanks to Sensei Jimmy Pedro at Pedro's Judo Club in Wakefield, MA. You've read about this in the past here, but hear me out...

Three years ago, my then five year old was begging for martial arts classes. We had tried karate over a summer and something was missing. As my father (and I briefly) had trained  in judo, I knew the differences between the sports. By watching her on the karate mat I saw immediately that what she needed she would find in judo.

But there was a catch. A big, freakin, chronically-ill-mom-walking-with-a-cane catch...

Pedro's Judo is up thirty-two stairs. THIRTY TWO. Straight up, big warehouse style steps. Dang. We'd been to a children's party there that summer and I knew how precisely  how hard  it was for me to get up there and how lightheaded I was when it came time to drive home.

I sat in the small corner office with head instructor, Sensei Riley McIlwain and watched him do a mini teaching session with my little maniac. Oh man, she glowed. She was elated, ecstatic, like I've never seen over an activity. She was HAPPY.

And I felt fear. Deep, cold gut chilling momma-fear that I would let her down.

In that moment, before I ever heard a word about the importance of goal setting, something crystallized in my mind: I would get Maddie to this dojo twice a week, every week, for as long as she wants to train. Period.

In the years following I've had the honor of hearing Sensei Jimmy Pedro and later, Senseis Kayla Harrison and Travis Stevens speak multiple times on the power of goal setting, goal directed guided imagery and their direct impact on success. Tonight, about three years later, I listened as they spoke again.

The past three years have been rough physically - a few times I've sat in the parking lot after class with my head on the steering wheel, crying while I summoned the grit to drive home safely through a blur of fatigue and pain but other nights...

Other nights I open the windows and sing along with the radio at the top of my lungs as the tears pour down my face. I sing to give voice to the pain and anger, the power and grief and the huge, glorious, hard earned pride that stream from me as I make that short drive.

In three years, my daughters have never missed a single judo class because of my body. Twice, then three times, now four times a week, I stand at the bottom of those steps and take a deep breath. When I get up to the dojo, friends and acquaintances ask me how I'm doing and a select few there truly understand how much I mean when I say, "I made it up the steps; it's a good day."

I never knew what Pedro's would do for me, and it happened before my daughter or I ever stepped foot on the mat. For this and so much more, I am humbly, deeply grateful.

Doumo arigatou gozaimashita, Senseis Pedro and McIlwain. See you tomorrow.

Edited to add...
It dawned on me this morning that this goal has accomplished one more thing: through meeting my goal every week, every set of stairs, I model for my daughters an example of a strong, committed, powerful woman. And that's all I've ever wanted to achieve.

Original posts ...
9/20/12 A Goal Set is a Goal Met

11/22/2012 A Goal Set: Thanksgiving Update

11/27/2014 A Heart Full of Joy

A Heart Full of Joy

Some years are more challenging than others - no one will argue with that. Looking back, 2014 was a particularly rough year for my family and for many families dear to us. 

But! I am thankful that it was also an amazing year :) My daughters are enjoying happy, exciting years at school, both are surpassing challenging health issues and both had the amazing experience of medalling at the U.S. Judo Junior Open. Paul has found satisfaction at his new job . And thanks to the encouragement of friends and family, I found myself owning a new business.

If you've read my blog, you know how I've struggled with the invisibility, the isolation of chronic illness. I eventually lost the struggle with my body and had to retire from the judo mat, heartbroken and angry at my body for it's limitations. Until one is benched by injury, pain, illness or mobility issues, one doesn't realize how much self worth is gained from DOING, from simply being productive. This spring I took a leap and became an Independent Jamberry Consultant. I figured I'd have some fun selling a product I like, maybe contribute a little to my family coffers ... I never expected it to become so much more.

What began as a lark has become a source of pride, challenge, friendship and laughter ... just like that, my circle has widened. My favorite thing about this experience has been getting to share the excitement and challenges of my colleagues and team members. So far Jamberry has helped pay for two family vacations and a weekend away for my birthday. For someone who hasn't been part of financially contributing to the home in years, this made my heart swell with joy.

So this year I am thankful for the challenges we weathered together, our family and friends who stood by our side and my new Jamberry family that had help me find myself again.

Wishing you and yours a Happy Thanksgiving and a safe, healthy New Year!

Original posts ...
9/20/12 A Goal Set is a Goal Met

11/22/2012 A Goal Set: Thanksgiving Update

Updated 6/23/2015 Giving Thanks. 2015.

A Goal Set is a Goal Met

I was never a stellar athlete.  If you've read my posts and have a grasp of my limits, you'd never believe that I've enjoyed sailboarding, canoeing, freestyle karate, kickboxing, Judo, tai chi, softball, gymnastics, tennis, soccer, competitive ballroom dancing, basketball ... you get the idea. I was never particularly remarkable at any of them but they all added a color to my life that wasn't there before. Still I kept seeking until I found my true love -  yoga. After fourteen years of practice I often wonder, "What if I hadn't been so determined to find my niche?"

The summer my children were six and three, I decided I wanted my kids to try new things during vacation. My eldest had been begging for gymnastics so we opted for that as one activity. For something completely different we decided to add in a summer course of karate at a local facility.

The moment Audrey's feet hit the mats at gymnastics, her eyes began to shine in a way I'd never seen. My sweet six year old had tried many fun activities before but as soon as the novelty wore off, Audrey would become distracted and lose interest. I couldn't believe the difference with gymnastics! Audrey beamed through the whole class and bounded off the mat full of joy and pride at her new skills. Thankfully the gym had fantastic class times and I was able to schedule her at a time when her Dad was home to drive her. No brainer!

Maddie, on the other hand, fell hard for karate. At the end of the summer, I realized I was just not physically able to get her to two karate practices a week during the school year -- especially since I still wasn't driving. I took a deep breath and said, "Someday, but not now." Disappointed, Maddie took it well and over the next two years enjoyed dance, gymnastics and swimming. She excelled at everything and enjoyed her classes but kept asking, "Mom, when can I take martial arts again?"

I had planned to wait until third grade, until she was old enough to understand the commitment that a martial arts practice entails. Maddie had other plans. This July I was blindsided by big blue eyes, pig tails and the firm words I hadn't expected to hear. "Mom, if I quit dance and gymnastics, can I PLEASE take martial arts?" It seemed that my kiddo was ready for martial arts far earlier than I expected.

I remembered being younger than Maddie and my father teaching me Judo falls and rolls to protect a fragile bone in my arm and my husband and I decided it was time. We are lucky enough to have a Judo dojo one town over (within my driving distance) so we set up a trial class for Maddie. There was only one thing in Maddie's way.

Stairs.

The only way to get into the dojo was for me to climb up a monster flight of stairs - and half the classes were at times that couldn't rely on my husband for help. The first time I did those stairs my head spun, knees went weak and my legs turned to jelly. Anyone else could simply work harder and get used to it, but I had to gauge things carefully - would I be able to safely drive home after those stairs? Can I commit to this?

That day I watched Sensei Riley McIlwain work with Maddie on the mat, saw him connect with her and get her to glow with confidence. Sigh. No brainer.

That was a few months ago. Getting up those stairs has never been a "Can I?" Getting up those stairs is a gritted-teeth "I WILL". Last night Maddie had a chance to go to her first open gym class run by the gym owner, Sensei Jimmy Pedro. Among many other accomplishments, Sensei Pedro is a World Champion, twice Olympic medalist and recently coached the 2012 US Olympic team to the first ever US Gold in Judo in London. Open gym generally focuses on one judo technique and one leadership theme, and is open to the smallest Little Dragons all the way up to the blackbelts.

After warming up, Sensei Pedro spoke to the students about the evening's theme: Goal setting. A primary part of studying judo at Pedro's Judo is learning to set goals and meet them. Little Dragons are expected to set a goal with their parents for something to accomplish at home. Together they write it in their attendance book, committing to work on it outside of the dojo. This practice continues no matter your rank or age.

"A goal set is a goal met," said Sensei Pedro, continuing "When you want to accomplish something, write it down. Put it on your door or your wall." I looked at my own Little Dragon sitting next to black belts who had competed all over the world, my own little Maddie, listening to life lessons across the mat from Sensei Travis Stevens of the 2012 US Olympic Judo team.

Those stairs were brutal last night and the effects have hit me hard today. Absolutely too tired to drive, I had to rest for an hour before I was strong enough to load the dishwasher. As my legs wobbled at the kitchen counter I thought back to Sensei Pedro's words last night. "A goal set is a goal met."

Living with physical limits is tough on a person. Duh. But few people think about what life is like for a parent with physical limits. "I'm sorry, we can't..." becomes a standard part of their lexicon. We are not only challenged with raising strong, compassionate children like every other parent, but we are are also entrusted with helping our children grow up resilient, determined, patient, thankful and not resentful in a life that is limited by someone else's pain and weakness. In this house you don't get an allowance for picking up your markers. You pick up your markers because mom uses a cane and could get seriously hurt. Period.

I will get Maddie to Judo, just as I continue to get Audrey to gymnastics. Often I will have to grit my teeth to make those stairs. Sometimes I will really pay for the strain the next day. But last night my efforts were rewarded with seeing my daughter learn more than just Judo from a world class instructor. She wasn't the only one learning from him last night. A goal set is a goal met.

Maddie with Sensei Jimmy Pedro 9/19/2012

Updated 11/22/2012 A Goal Set: Thanksgiving Update

Updated 11/27/2014 A Heart Full of Joy

Updated 6/23/2015 Giving Thanks. 2015.

Ego and the Art of ...

I've spent  a great deal of my life with a "Hey, look at me!" drive somehow lodged in my brain. For the life of me, I can't figure out where it came from - my parents gave me plenty of support, praise and attention but I still always craved being different, elite ... noticed.

In early life through college I tried to find satisfaction in this through many paths - ballroom dancing, judo, acting, yoga, basketball, choosing a unique major ... singing. Some people on driven paths just have fun with their art. Others challenge themselves with personal goals or strive to make a career using their craft . Some lonely few are just trying to fill that young need to stand out, be praised.

Look how _______  I am!
Flexible
Talented
Compassionate
Resilient
Different
Crunchy
Strong
Brave
Intelligent
Powerful

Some people know I get injured easily in yoga because I have poor proprioception , meaning my brain doesn't interpret signs from my connective tissue and muscles well. You know that feeling that says "WHOOOOOOAA baby, slow down"?People with poor proprioception don't hear that voice soon enough ... if they hear it at all. Well, I have a dirty secret: the other reason I got hurt frequently in the first decade or so of my practice. Most of my practice. Almost all of my practice.

Ego.

"I've been practicing for years, I can do the advanced variation. I don't need no stinkin block. Can the teacher see me?"

Sigh.

It can be nauseating to face such a shallow, vulnerable, reaching part of oneself and think, "Why can I not let this go?" When I closed my business and stepped away from the babywearing community, I lost more than I outwardly expressed. Yes, it was income, it was a business I loved and enjoyed, it was my tribe ... but it was also Ego. I was a known name in the babywearing community (for better or for worse) and I felt like I went from being Someone to being invisible.

Recently after two years of web-based home yoga practice through YogaGlo ("Who needs a level one class? This level three can't be too ... ow!) I began an amazing Gentle Yoga class at our local YMCA. The teacher's wry sense of humor and deliberate positioning of her mat (putting the students' backs to the mirror) began to quicken that slow-to-develop part of me. Rather than striving to be the best, to get attention, I was led inward. Apparently the path to letting go of the Ego was to let go of letting go?

The relaxation (not to mention lack of injury) engendered by this absence of internal conflict translated to my muscles as well as to my heart and mind. I began reaching with joy and contentment in my poses, relishing the release as opposed to straining for some unreasonable goal.

Ironically, the day after I realized this shift, my teacher drew the classes attention to the form of my pose with a lovely compliment. I thought about it on the way home, concerned at how my Ego would handle this ... in the past this would have spiked my excitement, distracting me from the class and prompting me to focus on the outward instead of the inward. She brought it up again at the next class - this time her flattery giving me warm fuzzies and slight embarrassment instead of my usual giddiness.

I pondered.

A wise Guru in the tradition of Aghor Yoga, Baba Harihar Ramji of Sonoma Ashram, spoke to me once in darshan. A personal interaction with a Guru, darshan can be anything from a time to speak in private to a blessing to a hug to a simple touch . He reminded me of the importance of detaching oneself from things that draw upon our energy. Detach our energy from the situation, step back and decide how, if at all, to better contribute our energy to the situation. In satsang (a lesson or teaching time, generally in a group), Babaji extended this metaphor to thoughts intruding on our yoga practice. Detach your energy from the thought, acknowledge the thought and allow it to flow by, no longer held by our attention to it.

I realized I had done the same thing with Ego. Encouraged by the manner and teachings of my instructor, I naturally detached myself from my Ego. I stopped trying to force it into submission; I stopped feeding it with striving for more praise. I just stepped back. I slid so easily, effortlessly into this state of mind that when complimented I stayed detached ... watching my ego cherish the compliment but not giving it any energy ... and then moving on.

It has been years from since my day with Babaji and I'm quite certain my yoga teacher never put "change Melissa's existence" into her daily plan. Yet here it is, a shift that has led to my increased relaxation and enjoyment of my yoga practice. How else will this small drop ripple my pond?




**I am in no way connected or receive reimbursement/product/kickbacks/magic powers from any of the companies mentioned here. All products or services mentioned were purchased by me.**

The Nonnie Blanket

This past fall was a tough one for me. Serious fibromyalgia flares are always hard but this one came on the heels of my strongest 18 months in over a decade. I'd enjoyed exercising again and my body had forgotten what true fibro pain and fatigue felt like. As my brain turned to mush and my fingers went fumbly I groped for a knitting project to help me pass the time. Heaven knows I didn't dare attempt to finish my lace or sock projects so I decided to begin a small afghan as a surprise for each of my little girls.

Never having knit something as large as an afghan, I soon became a bit overwhelmed by the immensity of the projects ahead of me. There was one clear driving force that kept me moving forward however ... The Nonnie Blanket.




My grandmother, Irene, spent decades crocheting afghans and throw blankets for the people she loves. One of my favorite childhood memories is nap time on our scratchy green couch. When my sister and I were little our nap schedules were completely opposite (despite my mother's desperate attempts to synchronise them). During my sister's nap time, my mom would turn on a quiet show for me to watch while she and my sister slept. We three curled up together on on the old green sofa in the den, under a very 70's afghan made by my Gramma. Years later when I had children of my own it somehow wandered into my apartment and I will Never. Let. It. Go.

At some point my Gramma managed to make three of beautiful cream blankets - one for myself, my brother and my sister. I can't imagine making knitting three of the same blanket -let alone one as complex as this. She'll tell it's a simple pattern and no big deal but now that I have a clue about what goes into these, I'm just floored. I love the classic beauty of this one.


I'd really love to have this blanket out in use but I just can't bear the idea of little fingers poking through the holes or leave an uncapped marker on it (shudder!) so it's hanging out at my mother's house until I can welcome it home. I can just picture it draped over the back of the rocker glider that I nursed my babies in.

My Gramma just kept on crocheting. I was thrilled to receive this one at my bridal shower and it moved with my husband and I from our first apartment to our condo. Whenever I was sick or just feeling blah I began to reach for its familiar comfort. I snuggled under it through pregnancies and newborn days and eventually it gained permanent residence on my side of the bed. When my oldest daughter began to talk, my Gramma became Nonnie and this blanket became The Nonnie Blanket. When the children were sick or frightened at night they would ask to borrow it, fighting over it until I brought out the green and brown one ... now dubbed The Other Nonnie Blanket.







And then we were all sick at once ... leaving no Nonnie Blanket for me. So I began to knit...

I wanted these to be surprises so every time the girls asked me what I was knitting I told them they were shawls - for me. Maddie actually helped me choose the colors of yarn without realizing what it would be for. The acrylic yarn was hard on my hands but it feels soft and squishy to the touch. I usually knit with some variety of wool but I wanted these to be working blankets, to be dragged around, loved up and most of all, machine washable. 

Maddie sleeps under hers every night and Audrey keeps hers by her pillow so she can reach out and hold a corner if she needs it. 

Maddie asked me to write that she likes snuggling under it because she loves it so much. When I gave these to each girl, I told them that each blanket was over 17,000 stitches and that each stitch was full of love. I always appreciated Nonnie's afghans but never knew how much time and love went into each one until I made my own.

Myself, Nonnie holding newborn Maddie, Gramma Baker and The Nonnie Blanket

Grandpa Jack and Nonnie

I love you Nonnie!

Peace.

Talking with small kids is an amazing way to really think about things. I don't mean talking TO kids, or AT them ... I'm referring to actually having a conversation. When an adult has a chance to look at a situation or a thing through a child's eyes they are often surprised at how different it looks.

During graduate school I had the chance to help a family cope with a complicated situation. A teenage girl was in a bad car accident. Thankfully she was going to be fine but she had extensive facial bruising, and an arm and a leg both in casts. The family's biggest concern was how her grandmother was going to take seeing her in that condition. I can't remember if she had anxiety or heart issues but my supervisor in the Child Life department had the idea that the grandmother bring in the teen patient's little sister for her first visit ... and before the young girl went into the room, I would prepare the child for what she would see. In front of her grandmother.

This gave the older woman a chance to be prepared for what SHE would experience in that room, but through the eyes of a six year old.

"Have you ever had a a really bad bump when you fell? How did it feel? What did it look like?"

"It hurt alot but after a while it got better. And it turned funny colors for a while."

"Well when your sister was hurt in the car, something bumped her in the face. Her face has some funny colors on it and its sore but just like your bump, it will get better."

And on, discussing casts, what they are for, what can we do to make her casts look pretty etc.

By the time we finished, the grandmother had visibly calmed down and was able to handle the visit  as well as the small girl. And I learned an amazing lesson.

Recently my fibromyalgia has been getting much much worse than its been in years. I've been trying to help my children understand the changes and support them but as the pain increased I started thinking about myself. Was I going to slip into grief again? Over-do things in my anger that I have limits?

Suddenly a new lens clicked into place. I remember being a senior (I think?) at Arlington Catholic High School and taking a theology course with Mrs. Lussier. Half the year we studied religions of the world and the other half we discussed death, dying and loss. I went on to study it in more depth during my college and graduate school years. Laying in bed last week, unable to sleep from the pain it wasn't college texts or hospice internships that came to mind ... I remembered reading "On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in Mrs. Lussier's class.

The Kubler-Ross model of grieving talks about five stages one might experience during a grief process. Rather than being a continuum of how one is going to feel, folks actually  go in no particular order. Some people may bounce around between them, skip a stage completely ... even come back and re-experience the stages again when reminded of their grief.

Denial. Bargaining. Depression. Anger. Acceptance.

Click.

Living with chronic illness, chronic pain or a disability is living the Kubler-Ross stages. Not occasionally ... it's living them for as long as "chronic" means. But hold on, that's not as bleak as it sounds.

Sure, it means that some event is going to blind-side you and bring on the loss, the grief, the depression again. You're going to be in denial and over do it and stupidly waste energy you desperately need, or worse, injure yourself. The key is to remember that it is all part of a cycle ... and that some day again you will find peace in acceptance. And while that acceptance won't be forever, neither will the rest of it.

Cycle.

So I found I could do this. I could be sick again and hurt again. Knowing that some day I would be at a peaceful place in my cycle of grief, knowing that some day my fibromyalgia would cycle back into a less painful, more energetic state ... those realizations brought peace to my heart. And I slept.

Gonna take a sentimental journey...

...Gonna set my heart at ease.
Gonna make a Sentimental Journey,
to renew old memories...

(quoted from http://www.thesjo.com/pages/dorisday.htm)

In December 2007 I wrote a post on TheBabywearer.com ... for years I was part of an amazing online babywearing community. As first a poster, then later a Boston Babywearers leader, baby carrier retailer, instructor I eventually enjoyed helping TheBabywearer.com as a moderator for the Disabilities, Special Needs, Chronic Illness and Babywearing  forum. It was an active, vibrant part of my life and I am constantly grateful for the amazing gifts babywearing gave my family, along with the amazing friendships I developed.

I'm copying that post over here (and adding on to it) to save it for myself. It's a scrapbook of pictures of a  time I will never forget. For folks who aren't carrier geeks, you won't get what I mean by the carrier names but I hope you enjoy the pictures. You really don't need to look at them all but oh come on ... some of you will. You know who you are!

As a side note, the positioning in many of the early pictures is NOT considered safe by today's standards - precisely why educational groups like Babywearing International and online communities such as TheBabywearer.com are so vital.

Audrey in Rosado - 1 wk old

Audrey with Maid-of-Honor Mommy at her Auntie Carolyn's wedding (almost 4wks old)

Audrey at The Butterfly Place

Audrey in my Ultimate Baby Wrap (don't buy one) and in Daddy's Rosado

Audrey in Sachi Meitai - my first back carry!

Audrey in GypsyMama Poncho (or Melissa dressed as a foothill)

My first back-wrap - Audrey in Storch Ulli

Audrey in Didymos Katja

Audrey wrapping Mickey in a long silk

Audrey in Didy Swing

Audrey in Didymos Fabian and Bjoern

Audrey in Bara Barn Cornflower

Audrey in Bara Barn Chili, Maddie in my tummy at the Cape

Audrey in Didymos Altarosa, Maddie in Tummy ... followed by DH under Altarosa and Audrey on Altarosa...

Audrey in Vatanai Teesta, Maddie in tummy

Audrey on mommy, Maddie in tummy at King Richard's Faire

Hospital stash for Maddie's birth (bottom lt, peanut shell fleece, top lt nat brown indio DIY RS, lt to rt, perlmutt indio, teesta, katya)

Maddie's first wrapjob in Didymos Perlmutt, at 3 days

Leaving the hospital in Peanut Shell (Maddie 5 days)

Maddie at 1 wk 

Maddie's first back carry in Ellaroo Podaegi

Maddie - yep she's really in there (3wks)

Maddie at Stone Zoo Lights. I needed a scarf. (4wks)

Maddie in Vatanai Koira (5wks)

Maddie w/Bridesmaid Mommy in custom Kalea at Uncle Teddy's Wedding (6wks)

Maddie in very special handmade podaegi (6 wks) on Christmas Eve

Happy Maddie!

Audrey in Vatanai Pamir

Maddie in Nori babywearing vest

Maddie asleep w/katja at LLL conference

Maddie, a wrap and a cougar

Maddie in Travelling Tamvickle

Maddie in my very special Taitasi

Maddie after her Christening 

Gore Place Sheepshearing Festival 2007

Maddie (asleep), Paul and I swing dancing in Didymos Bleu Indio at Amy's wedding

Daddy and Maddie at the Stone Zoo

Maddie in Calin Bleu at the Cape and raspberry picking at Brooksby Farm

Audrey in a Ten Toes MT

Audrey bouncing her baby in pouch...

Maddie playing safe in Didymos Kobalt Nino w/wool

 at a Nahant beach clean up(taken by Audrey), Audrey same day)

Maddie 4th of July

At the Butterfly place - 3 years after the first time

Me and my girls, in Didymos Zyklam ... Happy Holidays!

DH and Maddie in Green/black/white indio - his favorite - at the Roger Williams Zoo, and another with both girls....

After 8 weeks unable to babywear due to a serious injury, my doc ok'd short duration wearing...

Maddie at 16m in our favorite snuggle wrap ... Calin Bleu Fleece Candy Stripe...you have no idea what this picture means to me! Well maybe you do - posting it even tho it isn't the most flattering

3 day old niece Lilla in the same wrap

And my sweet nephew Eliot in Laguna Elipsen

almost 4 year old Audrey in her new job as wrap shipper - this earned her a nickle

18m Maddie in our MBD Calyx at the Butterfly Place ... aaaaaaaagain

18m Maddie asleep in Ten Toes mutt

18m Maddieand almost 4 y/o Audrey in arms at the Boys and Girls Club carnival

At a wedding with Maddie in Wendy's dyed Pfau - rockin this ruck in 4in heels!

Audrey wearing that silk again ... age 4

And one sleepless night they BOTH want to be worn ...

  

At the zoo  ... look close and you can see my trusty cane

At a pow-wow 

At the Audobon Society's Garden in The Woods Butterfly Day ... Maddie leading the way with her map in my Naglikti

Maddie asleep in Maruyama at the doctor's office - ruptured eardrum! Amazing doctor did her whole exam while wrapped. March '09

In a fleece blanket after a long day at the beach, April '09

After the Big Apple Circus in Olives in Applesauce, April '09

My last times wearing my littlest one -  February and July, 2010

Maddie age 4y, wearing twins

Wearing my god-daughter, Lorelei Temperance. August, 2011