Happy Holidays!

As we are getting closer to the December holidays I need help diseminating the kid's wish lists to various loving family members.

Somehow.

My children are the oldest grandbabies on both sides, so at this time of year I'm concious that how I approach things. Luckily, I embrace the wisdom of "set the bar low, baby". As my girls get older I realized they really didn't know HOW to start thinking about what to ask for. Where do they start?

Inspired by Pinterest, I've created this for my girls... we aren't planning on limiting them to these choices. This is in addition to their regular list to help them focus and let us know what really matters to them.

Wishing you a mellow, low-stress, full-of-love holiday season.

Anger, Politics and Applesauce

Two days after the 2012 US Presidential Election, I have a massive crockpot full of cranberry apple sauce beginning to warm in my kitchen. The apples are all locally grown - some from the amazing people at Farmer Dave's CSA, others picked by my family on a wonderful fall apple picking trip.

Some of you know I cook and bake to cope. I think today may take more than applesauce. Until I had children, I've never been particularly motivated but like much of the country I became deeply invested in the results of this year's decision. 

Well, it's done now. Some of us are elated while some are devastated. What I am feeling is known to my friends but is not the point of this post. Right now I'm focused on the fallout.

Today an already grieving friend was been emotionally and verbally abused under the guise of political expression. She contacted a friend to ask a completely non-political question and her close friend responded with a barrage of hateful texts regarding my friend's political choices. I'm touched by the grace with which my friend stepped back from the contact and leaned on her community to support her in her pain. 

So here is the point of this post.

If you are angry enough over this election to consider attacking or verbally abusing another person (whether they are a faceless online friend, family or a long time friends) take a breath and realize you are in over your head. You need help coping with your anger, grief and loss. Grief is not just about a loved one dying - grief can stem from the loss of hope, the death of a dream.

Please, PLEASE consider contacting someone at one of these resources.

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/go/help

http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/aboutus/Pages/3WaystoGetHelp.aspx

http://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-referral-resources/

There is never, ever a reason strong enough to abuse anyone. If you are feeling out of control, reach out for help.



Rather than responding emotionally to vitriol spread on the web and in person, consider feeling compassion for a person so clearly unable to control their anger and cope with their grief. Share this page. And maybe bake something. Me, I'm going to go add a bit more brown sugar to the crockpot ... and maybe bake some muffins.

A Goal Set is a Goal Met

I was never a stellar athlete.  If you've read my posts and have a grasp of my limits, you'd never believe that I've enjoyed sailboarding, canoeing, freestyle karate, kickboxing, Judo, tai chi, softball, gymnastics, tennis, soccer, competitive ballroom dancing, basketball ... you get the idea. I was never particularly remarkable at any of them but they all added a color to my life that wasn't there before. Still I kept seeking until I found my true love -  yoga. After fourteen years of practice I often wonder, "What if I hadn't been so determined to find my niche?"

The summer my children were six and three, I decided I wanted my kids to try new things during vacation. My eldest had been begging for gymnastics so we opted for that as one activity. For something completely different we decided to add in a summer course of karate at a local facility.

The moment Audrey's feet hit the mats at gymnastics, her eyes began to shine in a way I'd never seen. My sweet six year old had tried many fun activities before but as soon as the novelty wore off, Audrey would become distracted and lose interest. I couldn't believe the difference with gymnastics! Audrey beamed through the whole class and bounded off the mat full of joy and pride at her new skills. Thankfully the gym had fantastic class times and I was able to schedule her at a time when her Dad was home to drive her. No brainer!

Maddie, on the other hand, fell hard for karate. At the end of the summer, I realized I was just not physically able to get her to two karate practices a week during the school year -- especially since I still wasn't driving. I took a deep breath and said, "Someday, but not now." Disappointed, Maddie took it well and over the next two years enjoyed dance, gymnastics and swimming. She excelled at everything and enjoyed her classes but kept asking, "Mom, when can I take martial arts again?"

I had planned to wait until third grade, until she was old enough to understand the commitment that a martial arts practice entails. Maddie had other plans. This July I was blindsided by big blue eyes, pig tails and the firm words I hadn't expected to hear. "Mom, if I quit dance and gymnastics, can I PLEASE take martial arts?" It seemed that my kiddo was ready for martial arts far earlier than I expected.

I remembered being younger than Maddie and my father teaching me Judo falls and rolls to protect a fragile bone in my arm and my husband and I decided it was time. We are lucky enough to have a Judo dojo one town over (within my driving distance) so we set up a trial class for Maddie. There was only one thing in Maddie's way.

Stairs.

The only way to get into the dojo was for me to climb up a monster flight of stairs - and half the classes were at times that couldn't rely on my husband for help. The first time I did those stairs my head spun, knees went weak and my legs turned to jelly. Anyone else could simply work harder and get used to it, but I had to gauge things carefully - would I be able to safely drive home after those stairs? Can I commit to this?

That day I watched Sensei Riley McIlwain work with Maddie on the mat, saw him connect with her and get her to glow with confidence. Sigh. No brainer.

That was a few months ago. Getting up those stairs has never been a "Can I?" Getting up those stairs is a gritted-teeth "I WILL". Last night Maddie had a chance to go to her first open gym class run by the gym owner, Sensei Jimmy Pedro. Among many other accomplishments, Sensei Pedro is a World Champion, twice Olympic medalist and recently coached the 2012 US Olympic team to the first ever US Gold in Judo in London. Open gym generally focuses on one judo technique and one leadership theme, and is open to the smallest Little Dragons all the way up to the blackbelts.

After warming up, Sensei Pedro spoke to the students about the evening's theme: Goal setting. A primary part of studying judo at Pedro's Judo is learning to set goals and meet them. Little Dragons are expected to set a goal with their parents for something to accomplish at home. Together they write it in their attendance book, committing to work on it outside of the dojo. This practice continues no matter your rank or age.

"A goal set is a goal met," said Sensei Pedro, continuing "When you want to accomplish something, write it down. Put it on your door or your wall." I looked at my own Little Dragon sitting next to black belts who had competed all over the world, my own little Maddie, listening to life lessons across the mat from Sensei Travis Stevens of the 2012 US Olympic Judo team.

Those stairs were brutal last night and the effects have hit me hard today. Absolutely too tired to drive, I had to rest for an hour before I was strong enough to load the dishwasher. As my legs wobbled at the kitchen counter I thought back to Sensei Pedro's words last night. "A goal set is a goal met."

Living with physical limits is tough on a person. Duh. But few people think about what life is like for a parent with physical limits. "I'm sorry, we can't..." becomes a standard part of their lexicon. We are not only challenged with raising strong, compassionate children like every other parent, but we are are also entrusted with helping our children grow up resilient, determined, patient, thankful and not resentful in a life that is limited by someone else's pain and weakness. In this house you don't get an allowance for picking up your markers. You pick up your markers because mom uses a cane and could get seriously hurt. Period.

I will get Maddie to Judo, just as I continue to get Audrey to gymnastics. Often I will have to grit my teeth to make those stairs. Sometimes I will really pay for the strain the next day. But last night my efforts were rewarded with seeing my daughter learn more than just Judo from a world class instructor. She wasn't the only one learning from him last night. A goal set is a goal met.

Maddie with Sensei Jimmy Pedro 9/19/2012

Updated 11/22/2012 A Goal Set: Thanksgiving Update

Updated 11/27/2014 A Heart Full of Joy

Updated 6/23/2015 Giving Thanks. 2015.

Maddie portrays the stages of grief. My II Week post

Setting: Living room

Maddie remembers she has $13 in saved money tucked away. I am folding clothes and try to divert her with a chance to earn more money.

Maddie: Mommy, can we go to a store so I can buy a new baby doll?

Mommy: Sorry, hon. I have too much driving to do to day - I can't make an extra trip. I'm hurting too much and too tired ... I need to get cat food from the vet, drive you to Auntie's and Audrey to her appointment and  then I still have to getyou to judo. Would you like to earn a quarter putting these clothes away?

.... and it begins...

Bargaining
Maddie: But mom, maybe we can stop at a store with dolls ON THE WAY to the vet, or the appointment, or judo... and I'll do the clothes for a dollar.

Mommy: Honey, I'm sorry but there just aren't any stores on those roads that have baby dolls. And I can only give you a quarter. It's a small pile.

(Momentary) Acceptance
Maddie (face turning red, eyes filling with tears, takes deep shuddering breath): Ok, Mommy. I don't want to do the clothes.

Maddie then walks quietly to her room, shuts the door, sits against the door and begins...

Depression
The wailing begins, this time directed to her dolly, DeeDee
I hear various combinations of "Noooooooooo nooooooooooooooo .... wahahahahahahh ....Oh DeeDee..."

Mommy: Maddie, do you want a hug?

Maddie (in a drawn out wail): No thank yooooooooou.

Mommy: Hey, the pile is bigger. Would you do it for two quarters? That's half of a dollar...

Maddie (suddenly alert): Can I do it for three?

Mommy: No Maddie. It's less than a whole basket.

Anger
Maddie (frostily): NO. THANK. YOU. (muttering) Did you hear that DeeDee? No baby for us today. No dollar. (mutter mutter mutter)

This goes on for a while behind her closed door until...

Acceptance
Maddie sniffling and tired, leaves room and approaches mom

Mommy: You ready for a hug yet?

Maddie nods and climbs on Mommy's lap. Long snuggle.

Mommy: You know what means the most to me, Maddie? You were upset, angry and disappointed but not once did you argue with me. You respected me and you respected my fibro and that makes me feel loved and understood. Thanks, angel.

End Scene.

For folks familiar with the Kubler-Ross model of stages of greiving, you may have noticed one stage was missing. Denial.

Many people tell me, "Well at least your children will grow up learning compassion." I don't know about that.  They will learn compassion from the people who are compassionate towards me but honestly, it's pretty tough for me personally to model compassion for them. I try, but I'm not miraculously more compassionate than any other parent. Today shined a light on what my children WILL gain from having a mom with an Invisible Illness. My children are learning to embrace reality to find its beauty and joy, to accept its grief and loss ... how to process pain and keep living. My children are learning resilience.

Thank you, Maddie, for this beautiful lesson. When I am as sick as I am this week I often can only see what my children miss out on because of my illness. Thank you showing me what you gain.

Little Words

My two year old niece, Beatrice Patrica (yes, she is often called by both names - she's a wily one) is ... verbal. At 18m if you asked her what she liked to eat, she'd tell you crudites. Seriously.

Bea speaks in a tiny quiet voice (her screams are a very different experience) so I find myself going very still to hear what she has to say ... it's always worth it. This week my sister was getting Bea ready for bed and telling her about a friend's "teeny tiny kittens".  Beatrice began to chat, "... and the little tiny kittens were playing, and the Auntie Kitten was knitting a sweater..."


I love you, Bee-ah :)

Rocking the freezer - single servings of chili

I have a picky kiddo that needs huge amounts of protein ... in small portions, many times throughout the day. Add in that I can't stand/cook for long periods of time or frequently during the day and that I can only shop about twice a month and it gets a bit challenging. Honestly, it's like a Parenting SAT question. Thankfully this kiddo loves homemade chili. A few months ago I stumbled on a great system for freezing perfect sized portions of chili so that I can just defrost enough for her.

Folks who know me understand that I'm very cautious about plastics and food storage. I tried freezing small portions in glass containers but I disliked the amount of freezer space they took for storage. They also were a bit awkward to defrost. So color me tickled when I stumbled on these in the plastic bag section of the market...

These are small, thin, plastic bags with no zipper. They are extremely economical, easy to remove food from and - my favorite - BPA-free.

 

I then added this to the equation ... my 2" cookie dough scoop. This handy little gadget is great for making large cookies but it's also fun for scooping rice or other foods. It holds about 1/4 cup so it's easy to gauge portion size if that matters to you.

So what did I do? I nestled the bottom of a bags into one cup of a muffin tin and then scooped two scoops into that cup and patted it down. I flattened the rest of the bag into the cup next to that one and   made another little chili muffin. I gently patted the bag down so it wasn't too full of air pockets, twisted the bag and clipped it closed. I used these fancy little doohickeys I found at Ikea but regular twist-ties will work as well. Repeat for all the chili you have and then freeze until solid. When frozen, pop all the bags out of the muffin tin and store them in your preferred large freezer storage product (glass, freezer bag etc).

Half cup portions are perfect for a mildly hungry Audrey and if she's really starving I can thaw two instead. And a well fed Audrey is a happy Audrey :)







**I am in no way connected or receive reimbursement/product/kickbacks/magic powers from any of the companies mentioned here. All products mentioned were purchased by me or by the fabulous chiquita who shared her pic, generally using standard shipping which I immediately regretted as it takes too flipping long.**

Letters to my Daughters

Dear Audrey,
Ah my love, it is hard to be different. You are smart and colorful and so incredibly soft inside. I remember you coming home from first grade having been teased about loving the colors chartreuse, vermilion, magenta and aquamarine. You get that from me, love. I remember being called Webster because I loved reading the dictionary. I watch you do these same things, missing the same social cues I missed (and still miss...) and I see a very fancy target painted on your sweet little back.

I see you dealing with bullying in many forms. I see you not understanding how to fit into a group at the playground, feeling left out because you can't figure out how to join in. I hope and pray you find a way to be strong without holding power over someone smaller, more fragile than you.

I have hope.

Not that you will fit in or be any different than you are, or that you will fit in or be any less sparkly than you were born to be. I have hope that you will find other hedgehogs like you. Prickly on the outside, soft and unique underneath. I have hope that the work parents and educators are doing towards changing the face of bullying continues. I hope that no matter who you turn out to be, who you love, how you love, that you will feel strong and confident in your choices and yourself.

I have hope that someday you will talk to your children and try to help them understand how when you were little people were still told who they could love. And I hope it will be so freakishly foreign to them and to you that you have difficulty explaining it all.


Dear Maddie,
You are a such an amazing, vibrant little girl. I see how you walk into a room and instantly have friends, how you find people who are left out and gently ease them into the play. I see your bright mind and hysterical sense of humor and love watching you throw yourself hard into everything you try. I can't wait to see you enjoy work and school in ways I never could. I see you confused by your sister's difficulty joining in, hurt by her prickles, worried for her pain.

My hope for you is that you learn to understand how she feels, how those who are different, excluded, marginalized ... prickly ... that sometimes they are not choosing their path. How sometimes prickles are something they are born with. I hope you find happiness in your strength and not let those who would try, hurt your huge, squishy amazing heart.
~~~

We as adults are spending so much time reading, learning and teaching about bullying. And tonight while I should have been sleeping, I had a thought. If my future teenage Audrey was forced by stronger, more powerful, scary girls to give up a boyfriend she cared about ... that would be bullying. We are giving her tools now in her young life to protect her against those Mean Girls that would belittle her and degrade her choices.

But how is that different than a powerful, scary group of adults telling a person they can't marry their gay lover? How can we claim to teach our children not to bully others when adults still bully adults?

I still have hope. I have hope that small groups of people will make a small difference in small communities. And that small groups will become larger. I have hope that my children will watch freedom and the elimination of social bullying change over their lifetime. I have hope that adults who find their lives fitting easily into the norm, like my Maddie, will find compassion and strength to support those who are less strong and who need advocates.