In the eyes of a stranger

Who do you think you are?

Really?

For alot of reasons, I used to believe I wasn't *really* sick or disabled. Part of it was denial (a step in the coping process), another part was being told it was all in my head (maybe they are right?). Maybe I really WAS lazy. Maybe I wanted attention.

For many years I really believed all that. So what happens when things get worse? Things DID get worse. I got cancer. I lost pregnancies, needed many surgeries, lost my ability to work and drive. When that happens, one begins to think, well, now I must deserve all this. Maybe I asked for it.

So underneath it all I must not have much worth.

People who know me will be quick to deny that statement but look inside yourself. Isn't there *something* you believe about yourself that those who love you would argue?

I've worked hard over the last year to let go of much of these self-lies. It ain't easy, babe. But yesterday something happened that pushed me forward one more step, helped me walk away from one more lie.

I had the chance to comfort an injured stranger who had fallen off the sidewalk, onto our extremely busy street at dusk. She'd had a seizure and was terrified by the strange faces around her. I was able to connect with her and keep her calm until she was lifted into the ambulance.

Emergency services seemed to know her from prior falls, though she didn't recognize them. I had to wonder who she was. Was she diabetic, epileptic? A drug user, an alzheimers patient? I'll never know. Could I end up like her someday?

Kneeling with her as cars slowly splashed by and flakes of snow fell on us, I saw something in her eyes that I will never forget: she felt safe with me.

If a scared, hurt, confused stranger can find comfort in me, there must be some good in me. I don't mean that in a, "See what I did! I'm a good person!" kind of way. I mean that she helped me let go of the cold, dark, very real nugget of "I must be so flawed that I deserve this pain" in my soul. The small-child part of me just let it go and picked up an image to tuck away in its place: the relief in a stranger's eyes.