Silver Lining.

This past year has been unspeakably hard for many reasons. A special person asked me, can you see a positive to your illness?

I thought about it. And answered No.

That was unusual for me ... growing up I could always find the silver lining in my illnesses.

Today I had an appointment with a rheumatologist. After having a medical student take a detailed history from me and doing a cursory 30 second exam, she spent 15 minutes mocking me, emphasizing the need for me to 'pursue psychiatric care' and finally going as far to say that I didn't really NEED the cane. According to this woman who did not test my balance or leg strength, I 'felt the need for something comforting to hold onto'. I was using it as a proverbial crutch. No pun intended.

I held my composure and dignity until I reached the hallway ... and then I sobbed for a very long time.

I became angry and I looked at myself. Then I had a really big margarita and took a nap. And then I looked at myself some more.

I am not weak. I am not bringing this on myself. I am a brave strong woman who parented her children alone for months, despite being more disabled than ever. I stood by my husband while he walked through the darkest valleys of his soul. I consciously chose to work on my self issues to better support myself, my children and my husband without enabling. I reached out for professional, spiritual and social support whenever I needed it.

We are a healthy strong family unit because I chose to keep us strong and because my husband accepted my decisions and support.

I'm no longer angry or defiant at you, Doctor.

Doctor, I am grateful to you for showing me the silver lining. I sincerely hope you gently find the wholeness you need to see your patients with more compassion. No one with joy and peace in their hearts could look at a woman who is clearly holding back tears and continue to hurt her. I hope you find what you are missing. Thanks for the perspective.