The hard part. And extra credit.

Assignment 1)
Make a list of the ways this physical condition is serving you.

(Gah. Can't I stall some more? Fuss with the spellchecker and formatting a bit?)

~ I enjoy being with my kids.
~ I am afraid of failing at "being a grownup" ... being ill gives me an excuse for not having to do certain things, for mistakes I make.
~ I'm used to things as they are, its comfortable ... I am afraid of failing if I am forced to try new things
~ I have a thirst to be different, to stand out in a crowd. I used to be that person because of my carriers. I don't know who I will be if I am healthy. Who will like me? What will be my buffer?
~ I have always had trouble concentrating on a job, succeeding at a job, finding my niche. I'm so tired and beaten down by years of feeling listless and mediocre in my jobs.
~ I have a childish craving (image: three year old sulking and stamping a foot) for playtime, me-time, indulgence ... I've tried to fill it by goofing off at work, shopping too much. When I'm sick I can goof off. But for some reason it doesn't fill the need. I don't feel better. I just feel empty.
~ When I'm sick I don't have to do deep self-work.
~ When I'm sick I have less home/family responsibilities.
~ When I'm sick I can insist we all stay home.
~ Maybe there ISN'T a niche for me - when I am sick I don't have to feel lost.
~ Maybe there is something inadequate, lacking, dependent in me - when I am sick I am protected from looking at that.
~ I feel like I am playing dressup as a grown up, like I don't really know what to do, how to do it. I'm afraid people notice if i'm not sick.

There may be more - it makes me sick and jittery to look at this. Part of me wonders if I am really SEEING all there is or just quickly glimpsing into that black pit and drawing a rough sketch of what I see because I am too weak to really climb down there and LOOK at it all.
~ When I am sick I have an excuse for being weak.

Now, for extra credit.
1b) WHY does revealing this disturb me so intensely?
~ I'm horribly afraid of not measuring up
~ I'm desperately, nauseatingly afraid of my friends and family thinking of me as "less", "lazy", "not trying hard enough", "immature", "unreliable", "needy", "selfcentered", "dependent"
~ I'm afraid healthy people will misunderstand this. I'm afraid people won't understand that these are normal, common feelings for someone in my kind of limbo.
~ I'm afraid they will think I am bringing this on myself, mind over matter, psychosomatically ... and that they won't understand that I desperately want to live to see my children grow up. I don't WANT to miss their lives. I don't WANT to have these tests come back with a scary prognosis.

If you have read this much, please know that you are looking into a little basement closet. We all have them ... most people just aren't brave enough to clean them out. I DO want to be healthy. I want to go to the zoo with my kids again. I want to chase them at the park and push them on the swings. I'm not a monster who wants to be ill because they gain from it.

But I am an honest person. And I admit that there is that small closet, full of bits of me that benefit from my being ill.