Maddie remembers she has $13 in saved money tucked away. I am folding clothes and try to divert her with a chance to earn more money.
Maddie: Mommy, can we go to a store so I can buy a new baby doll?
Mommy: Sorry, hon. I have too much driving to do to day - I can't make an extra trip. I'm hurting too much and too tired ... I need to get cat food from the vet, drive you to Auntie's and Audrey to her appointment and then I still have to getyou to judo. Would you like to earn a quarter putting these clothes away?
.... and it begins...
Bargaining
Maddie: But mom, maybe we can stop at a store with dolls ON THE WAY to the vet, or the appointment, or judo... and I'll do the clothes for a dollar.
Mommy: Honey, I'm sorry but there just aren't any stores on those roads that have baby dolls. And I can only give you a quarter. It's a small pile.
(Momentary) Acceptance
Maddie (face turning red, eyes filling with tears, takes deep shuddering breath): Ok, Mommy. I don't want to do the clothes.
Maddie then walks quietly to her room, shuts the door, sits against the door and begins...
Depression
The wailing begins, this time directed to her dolly, DeeDee
I hear various combinations of "Noooooooooo nooooooooooooooo .... wahahahahahahh ....Oh DeeDee..."
Mommy: Maddie, do you want a hug?
Maddie (in a drawn out wail): No thank yooooooooou.
Mommy: Hey, the pile is bigger. Would you do it for two quarters? That's half of a dollar...
Maddie (suddenly alert): Can I do it for three?
Mommy: No Maddie. It's less than a whole basket.
Anger
Maddie (frostily): NO. THANK. YOU. (muttering) Did you hear that DeeDee? No baby for us today. No dollar. (mutter mutter mutter)
This goes on for a while behind her closed door until...
Acceptance
Maddie sniffling and tired, leaves room and approaches mom
Mommy: You ready for a hug yet?
Maddie nods and climbs on Mommy's lap. Long snuggle.
Mommy: You know what means the most to me, Maddie? You were upset, angry and disappointed but not once did you argue with me. You respected me and you respected my fibro and that makes me feel loved and understood. Thanks, angel.
End Scene.
For folks familiar with the Kubler-Ross model of stages of greiving, you may have noticed one stage was missing. Denial.
Many people tell me, "Well at least your children will grow up learning compassion." I don't know about that. They will learn compassion from the people who are compassionate towards me but honestly, it's pretty tough for me personally to model compassion for them. I try, but I'm not miraculously more compassionate than any other parent. Today shined a light on what my children WILL gain from having a mom with an Invisible Illness. My children are learning to embrace reality to find its beauty and joy, to accept its grief and loss ... how to process pain and keep living. My children are learning resilience.
Thank you, Maddie, for this beautiful lesson. When I am as sick as I am this week I often can only see what my children miss out on because of my illness. Thank you showing me what you gain.
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