Come join me under my rock ...

Crockpot Pulled Barbecue Sandwiches with Homemade Sauce

2012-02-10T18:02:00.000-05:00

Before I start, I just want to add the disclaimer that there is no accounting for taste ... and barbecue sauce is no exception. This sauce worked happily for us and was much better than bottled but is nothing like some of the regional sauces I've had in the south. While I prefer this to the vinegary or mustardy versions found in some areas, your mileage may vary.

This sauce recipe is based on the America's Test Kitchen Family Cookbook Barbecue recipe. I altered it slightly based on our own tastes, the contents of my pantry and the fact that it was going to be dumped, for better or for worse, into my little 2.5 quart slowcooker. This meant reducing the liquid slightly initially in case the recipe was too watery. It's easier to add fluid to a crockpot than it is to reduce it down. This also mean eliminating a few steps in the recipe that were done on the stove top.

The other problem I wanted to conquer was how to avoid the floaty fat bits found scumming up the top of crockpot-cooked meat. If you don't know what I am talking about you are either a better cook than I or darn lucky. They tend to be worse if using cold meat (which I was) so I wanted to try to find a way to prevent the nasty stuff. Oh I know I can skim but it irks me. Notes on this after the recipe.

While this has chili powder, hot sauce and cayenne pepper in it, know that it is in relatively small amounts and we didn't notice any heat. Feel free to reduce amounts if needed but the sauce will lose some depth.

Pulled Barbecue Sandwiches
2lbs meat - I used 1 lb beef (I just used a random tough cut of meat I had in the freezer from a sale) and 1 lb boneless chicken breasts.

Sauce
1 tbl coconut oil (use whatever)
1 onion minced
2 garlic cloves minced (more or less, as you like)
1 tsp chili powder (I used 1/2 tsp chili powder and 1/2tsp Penzey's Chili con Carne seasoning - it's salt and natural smoke flavor free without too much heat)
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper
3/4c ketchup
3 tbl light or dark molasses
1 tbl apple cider vinegar
1 tbl tamari or soy sauce (original recipe calls for Worcestershire sauce but I hate it - the tamari was a good touch)
1 tsp hot sauce (original recipe calls for Tabasco, I used Cholula)
Optional Dijon mustard, salt & pepper (*See noted below)

1 bottle of beer or 1-2 cups additional liquid (water, stock etc)

Rolls as needed.

Turn slowcooker on high and add oil, onions, garlic, chili and cayenne pepper. Stir well to blend, cover and allow heat for until fragrant. Add all the remaining sauce ingredients except beer. Mix well. Dump in meat. Cook on high for 3 hrs. After 3 hrs, stir well and reduce to low. If sauce is too thick add 1/4c of liquid at a time. Leave on low at least one hour but longer if needed. Add more liquid as needed. To serve pull meat apart using two forks and spoon onto rolls. Nom nom nom.

* Um. Original recipe called for salt, pepper and Dijon Mustard ... I missed those. I think black pepper to taste would be ok. The soy sauce etc are already fairly salty so I can't see needing to add salt. If you want to add the Dijon, add 1tbl.

Defloatying the Meat
I think you've picked up on my distaste for the floaty bits. This process will dry out meat but for a recipe like this, that's a total non-issue. Trim any obvious fat off before starting this process. Again, your mileage may vary but I will definitely take time to do this again. I almost always have plenty of energy when I prepare the crockpot but very little when I am ready to serve. It's really important to me to be able to serve whatever is in there without having to pretty it up.

While your slowcooker is heating the onions et al, preheated a large skillet (use whatever you would use for browning meat) to somewhere just shy of medium. Place your choice of meat in the pan, slowly warming it through, cooking the outside but not browning it. As the outside of the meat cooks, the floaty bits will ooze out. Scrape them off and make em go away. A good deal of liquid will come out but there will be plenty in the crock - let it cook off. Keep the heat low enough that the meat sizzles but not so high that it browns. Flip occasionally. As they stop releasing liquid, press pieces occasionally, continuing to scrape off any white fatty bits. When they have released most of their liquid, transfer to the crock pot. And you're good to go.

Baby Books

2012-02-02T00:26:00.002-05:00

My mom has a box somewhere with a beautiful Baby Book she made for me. I've even scrap-booked myself, making an album for my sister as a maid-of-honor gift.

Yet my kiddos have nothing.

I have boxes of little saved things and for my eldest, a calender with notes on it about many special little things. And if you gave me a few days I could probably find them. I think. I know I have a whole mess of photos and a bunch of little videos ... I even have some blog posts (ahahahahaha). At least we all know my babywearing life is well documented. But they don't have baby books. I was busy with my home business, they were challenging little bundles of joy and life took us down a few years of bumpy roads that made just remembering to wear pants a victory.

I journalled through all of my adolescence and young adult years. Sometimes I did it with a fancy fountain pen ... I even used a dip pen and India ink for a time in college. Somewhere in our attic is a wooden wine box completely filled with pages and pages of angst. Oddly enough, when I met my husband I stopped journalling. I tried but, well, I was happy. There WAS no angst to document and I could only wax poetic on our blossoming romance for so many pages.

I was at Target this week with my mother and a very impatient five year old and I thought it would be fun to start keeping track of the goofy stuff they say/do by writing down little tidbits on index cards and storing them in a cute little box. Target had no boxes but they had really lovely journals ... and I realized I had something to write about again.

So tonight I started books for the girls and contentedly tucked them next to the computer. And I'm happy :)

Loose tea. Tame that bad girl.

2012-01-10T20:47:00.000-05:00

Long story short: I heart tea. If you've been following along you may have read some of my previous posts on tea and you may well be sick of the subject. So sorry, mea culpa.

Now for the rest of y'all.

I talk a lot about loose leaf tea. Why bother? I'm sure there are many erudite reasons for loose vs tea bags. Come on, you know how to google. Yes, I do use loose leaf tea because I find the taste more full, more fresh but for me it also feels ... serene, peaceful, elegant, sensual, exciting. I wipe noses and say things like "STOP LICKING ME!!" all day long (and often at night) so you can see why a little cup of grace might be attractive.

Like my last post, this is just my opinions and your mileage may vary.

So when you make loose tea, you basically need something to boil the water, something to steep the tea in and something to strain out the leaves. I'm going to talk about some of the things you can use for each step, from basic things you may have around your house to fancy expensive doo-dads. I'll point out what I use myself and why and what I don't. And so ... away we go.

Boiling

Duh.You can use a pot. Any old pot or pan'll do but if you want to be specific, one with a pouring lip is better. Another simple thing to use to boil water is a microwave - fast, simple and if you have a good sized microwavable measuring cup, it makes pouring darn easy.

Some other options are a tea kettle (ye olde whistling kind or not) or an instant coffee machine like a Keurig.

Here is my pretty kettle/teapot ...

Here is why I love it. It's excellent for both boiling and steeping and it holds a whole lot. And it's vintage and purty and makes me smile. Most folks don't make enough tea to need something like this but I tend to make a pot and drink it all day so this rocks.

Steeping

You can pretty much steep your tea where you please - in a mug, teapot, or some fancy gadget that has a built in steep mechanism (more on that later).

I steep my tea in that pot above (see why I love it?), a smaller tea pot, or a mug with a strainer in place. If you are someone who only makes a cup, a teapot is total overkill but if you regularly make cup after cup, consider getting a pot appropriate to the size you want to drink. While many folks get ornate cast iron post now popular everywhere from tea boutiques to Target, think about how heavy they are PLUS the added weight of a quart of water.

I found my vintage Corelle pot on Etsy but there are hundreds on eBay. They are lightweight, very affordable and boil quickly.

My smaller pot is the Dripless Teapot from Teaspot.com They now have a newer model called the Mod Pot with a special basket that fits it better than the Tuffy Steeper but I'm pretty sure the design is the same.

This pot holds 20oz and was fine for me alone but not enough for me to pour for myself and two girls. It really is a dripless pot and that is truly awesome.

Straining

This is were new loose tea aficionados often get cranky. They buy a lovely bag of loose tea and a pretty tea ball or a clampy style weird strainer thingy. Maybe a pretty strainer they can set on top - you've seen them. They follow the directions, measure out their tea and wait with bated breath... and then they proceed to pick the tea leaves out of their teeth.

So what can you do on the cheap at home? Well for one, don't try to use a coffee filter. Trust me. Mess. Burns. You get the idea. If you have a small mesh strainer, go for it but be aware that it may let some tea through.

Stay away from those tea balls on chains, etc etc ... they just don't work and are often hard to clean. There are disposable choices and reusable choices. Touching on disposable briefly, you can get paper tea bags you can fill yourself but they aren't cost effective if you will be using them often. Other similar options are muslin bags that you can reuse for a while but these also do not last forever. If you want to be crafty, sew your a bunch of own and put a wee drawstring at the top - any white cotton cloth will work fine.

One of my steepers is The People's Brew Basket made by the Republic of Tea. This is an affordable, effective steeper with super fine mesh (filters out most of the finest particles of your blend). The one I have is about 15 years old and still working fine. It cleans best if you rinse it out when the tea is wet. The only downside is that it can be too small for some pot openings, and sinks down below the lid in some of the very large mugs. I've actually set this inside some of my larger steepers when brewing a pot of rooibos tea, which tends to evade even the most challenging steeper.

Another one I love is this large Steeping Mug from The Tea Spot. The strainer is very good except for the fine rooibos teas. The strainer is slick and smooth, dishwasher safe. It cleans completely easily and rarely gets leftover tea stuck in the holes. My children killed my mug. I'm still in mourning. I still use the lovely strainer in regular mugs. The strainer is actually available separately but you need to call directly to get the link to order.

My last strainer just arrived today so of course I've already test-driven it. I'd been having trouble finding a deep steeper that would hang on the wide rim of my Corelle teapot. This large Finium Brewing Basket seems to fit the bill. I was impressed today how well the water flowed through the filter and was shocked that absolutely no rooibos got through into the brew.

As I mentioned above, you can also get a gadget like this that steeps and strains as one unit. This is referred to as a gravity teapot. I've had these and they do produce a nice brew. You fill it with your loose tea and boiling water and when it's ready, you sit the gadget on top of your much and a catch releases so that the tea flows through the filter into your cup. It does do a lovely job. I found it really fiddly to clean (personally) which was a major turn off.

The biggest downside to this device is that I make quite a bit of tea at once ... but what if I don't use the last 6 ounces? I can't leave it in the gravity pot because the leaves are in there. I found myself having to put that last bit into an extra mug or a mason jar and tuck it in the fridge. There was no easy way to keep that extra warm and it just buuuuuugged me. So while many people love this, it's design just doesn't work for me.

So now you have an idea of what you need! Here are some great links on tea that may help you on your road to the perfect cup.

Caffiene and Tea - Did you know how you brew your tea affects the caffiene level?

How to Brew it. Really. - 3 minutes at 208F? What does that mean?? Read this article for realistic instructions.

What is a Tisane - Is your tea really a tea?

Types of Tea - With cool pictures
My kind of Chai - a few of my favorite spiced teas

**I am in no way connected or receive reimbursement/product/kickbacks/magic powers from any of the companies mentioned here. All products mentioned were purchased by me, generally using standard shipping which I immediately regretted as it takes too flipping long.**

My kinda Chai

2012-01-10T17:53:00.001-05:00

There are as many blends of spiced teas as there are kinds of homemade tomato sauces so I warn you in advance, these are only my preferences. Both my grandmothers served me tea from a young age so it has always been a source of comfort - and at times, indulgence. Winter months in New England have me craving the familiar warmth of tea and I love sharing this tradition with my own little girls.

These teas are a few of the blends that I have loved for many years. While I continue to try new brands and often swing back and forth between tea bags and loose tea, these remain my favorites.

My first childhood memory of spiced tea was my mother's Bigelow Constant Comment (still available today). This one brings back memories of my mother's flowered mugs and afternoon snacks. I love that this one brews up strong and robust, even in the decaf version. For cinnamon purists, try their Cinnamon Stick blend.

Not long after, my mother (Brownie leader, Craft Faire organizer and all-around extraordinaire) was given a handmade Christmas present of spiced tea in a jar. The giver included a recipe on it and while I remember it was labelled "Wassail", I've since heard it called Russian Friendship Tea as well as other names. During my years studying singing I always made sure I kept a batch on hand. Here is the recipe from that first jar. There are many alternate versions on the web - some using lemonade powder instead of sugar.

1 1/2 cup Tang or similar powdered orange drink
1/3 cup unsweetened instant tea (lemon flavored is ok)
1/2 cup sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp ground cloves
1/4 tsp nutmeg

Mix together, store in a tightly lidded container. Add 1-2 tsp per cup of boiling water and stir. (Can add more or less of any ingredient to taste. Can add more or less mix to boiling water as preferred. This is a fairly sweet drink, almost more of a hot punch.

As winters passed I found more lovely teas to warm me up on the way to the chemistry building on the absolute other side of campus.

From Celestial Seasonings I found both caffeinated and herbal varieties. Nutcracker Sweet (available in winter) has lovely vanilla-cinnamon flavors blended with black tea, soothing without being too sweet.

Bengal Spice herbal tea is a fantastic wake-up cup for folks who avoid caffeine. True flavors of India - ginger, cardamom and cloves - are balanced with deep rich roasted chicory and hints of black pepper.

This tea reminds me of Organic Chemistry II.

It sucked. Seriously. I had to take it twice and still only came out with a D+.

But the tea didn't. I found Republic of Tea's Cinnamon Plum and held on tight. I loved the sweet tang of the plum (made fuller by the addition of elderberries and sloeberries) with the full black tea.

My Sri Lankan roommate introduced me to loose leaf tea that year and I was happy to find that RoT sells this blend in both bags and loose leaf versions.

(Disclaimer: I also heartily adore Ginger Peach tea made by RoT, which comes in Decaf and loose leaf versions but that's not spicy so it gets no love in this post.)

Just realized I'm out of this tea. Hm...

As I settled into married life, my husband and I began exploring herbal medicine as a way to deal with the myriad of bugs we caught at our health care jobs. Herbal medicine is so firmly based in tea that I spent a fwe years focusing on that, forgetting the value of warming spices.

Fast forward many years. Chai is introduced to mainstream America and suddenly, wham, I was overwhelmed with Chai choices. The biggest downer? In the initial years of Chai being sold in US markets, many companies prepackaged the tea bags with powdered milk as traditional Chai is prepared with milk and sugar. Ick. No no no. The prevalence of milk turned me off of the Chai market for years ... until...

It took many years but after trying many brands and flavors I've happily added three new favorites to my pantry (what me, picky?).

As I mentioned last winter, my favorite brand of loose tea is from The Tea Spot. I love them. Swoon. In fall 2011 they introduced the loves of my life. Oh ho ... you think I jest? Silly human.

Before you read futher, be aware that these are limited edition seasonal blends. Get em quick before I buy up the rest...

This is their Holiday Spice tea. Nom nom nom. If it wouldn't turn me into a shakey, sleepless maniac I would brew this in mass quantities. Me + too much caffeine = a hot mess. Literally. Hot sweats, nuff said.

Rich, full bodied black tea is blended with clove oil, cinnamon, orange peels and what they mysteriously call "aromatic holiday spices) . I love how smooth this blend in while still being enormously flavorful.

And so what DO I drink in mass quantities? The sleeper hit of my tea shopping adventures ... also by The Tea Spot, Red Hot Chai.

I'm going to go on record as saying: I do not typically like roobios tea. I've tried to like it. Ooooh health benefits, new flavor combinations. Blah ... never happened. I had a brief fling with honey bush but it still just falls flat for me.

Until now. This tea flipping rocks. I'm not kidding ... it's spices are bold and flavorful with out being bitter or one-dimensional. Deep vanilla notes and the honey-hints from the red rooibos make this a well rounded full tea that I seriously make by the pot. My children absolutely adore it and I love the healing nature of the Indian herbs and spices used in it.

The newest addition to my crew is my most precious however...

This fantastic Gunpowder Chai tea found at Simpler is a hand blended mix of Gunpowder green tea, fennel seed, nutmeg clove and cinnamon. I love the light clean taste of this tea and really appreciate the way the mellow green tea doesn't overpower the spices. I tend not to be a huge fan of green tea but this is flavorful without being grassy.

This one tea (sipping it as I type) is set apart by the the fact that it is made by hand by Sam Tower, a hard working cop, loving husband and dad and an herbalist who follows my own herbalist path - simpling. Having known their family virtually for years, I feel comfort and company in every cup.

As you might think, using loose leaf tea has many options for producing a good cup. I'll be blogging about tea brewing resources and steepware in my next post but right now, I need to get another pot on. Enjoy!

ETA ... and here it is Loose tea. Tame that bad Girl.

**I am in no way connected or receive reimbursement/product/kickbacks/magic powers from any of the companies mentioned here. All products mentioned were purchased by me, generally using standard shipping which I immediately regretted as it takes too flipping long.**

Peace.

2012-01-04T00:56:00.000-05:00

Talking with small kids is an amazing way to really think about things. I don't mean talking TO kids, or AT them ... I'm referring to actually having a conversation. When an adult has a chance to look at a situation or a thing through a child's eyes they are often surprised at how different it looks.

During graduate school I had the chance to help a family cope with a complicated situation. A teenage girl was in a bad car accident. Thankfully she was going to be fine but she had extensive facial bruising, and an arm and a leg both in casts. The family's biggest concern was how her grandmother was going to take seeing her in that condition. I can't remember if she had anxiety or heart issues but my supervisor in the Child Life department had the idea that the grandmother bring in the teen patient's little sister for her first visit ... and before the young girl went into the room, I would prepare the child for what she would see. In front of her grandmother.

This gave the older woman a chance to be prepared for what SHE would experience in that room, but through the eyes of a six year old.

"Have you ever had a a really bad bump when you fell? How did it feel? What did it look like?"

"It hurt alot but after a while it got better. And it turned funny colors for a while."

"Well when your sister was hurt in the car, something bumped her in the face. Her face has some funny colors on it and its sore but just like your bump, it will get better."

And on, discussing casts, what they are for, what can we do to make her casts look pretty etc.

By the time we finished, the grandmother had visibly calmed down and was able to handle the visit as well as the small girl. And I learned an amazing lesson.

Recently my fibromyalgia has been getting much much worse than its been in years. I've been trying to help my children understand the changes and support them but as the pain increased I started thinking about myself. Was I going to slip into grief again? Over-do things in my anger that I have limits?

Suddenly a new lens clicked into place. I remember being a senior (I think?) at Arlington Catholic High School and taking a theology course with Mrs. Lussier. Half the year we studied religions of the world and the other half we discussed death, dying and loss. I went on to study it in more depth during my college and graduate school years. Laying in bed last week, unable to sleep from the pain it wasn't college texts or hospice internships that came to mind ... I remembered reading "On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in Mrs. Lussier's class.

The Kubler-Ross model of grieving talks about five stages one might experience during a grief process. Rather than being a continuum of how one is going to feel, folks actually go in no particular order. Some people may bounce around between them, skip a stage completely ... even come back and re-experience the stages again when reminded of their grief.

Denial. Bargaining. Depression. Anger. Acceptance.

Click.

Living with chronic illness, chronic pain or a disability is living the Kubler-Ross stages. Not occasionally ... it's living them for as long as "chronic" means. But hold on, that's not as bleak as it sounds.

Sure, it means that some event is going to blind-side you and bring on the loss, the grief, the depression again. You're going to be in denial and over do it and stupidly waste energy you desperately need, or worse, injure yourself. The key is to remember that it is all part of a cycle ... and that some day again you will find peace in acceptance. And while that acceptance won't be forever, neither will the rest of it.

Cycle.

So I found I could do this. I could be sick again and hurt again. Knowing that some day I would be at a peaceful place in my cycle of grief, knowing that some day my fibromyalgia would cycle back into a less painful, more energetic state ... those realizations brought peace to my heart. And I slept.

Winter Break - a play in one act

2011-12-30T16:38:00.001-05:00

Scene: Two young girls have been sent to their room with various chores to complete as a consequence of some unpleasant behavior. No chores are actually being done. Mother is sitting at the computer, listening to the non-choreness.

Smaller Child (emerges from bedroom wearing a police badge and hands Mother this note):

Mother: What am I under arrest for?
Smaller Child: For making us do chores (maniacal laughter, child returns to bedroom, whispers a report to Older Child)

Older Child: (loud stage whisper): Go out there and scream at Mommy and then run back in there
Mother (loud bellow): ANYONE WHO SCREAMS AT MOMMY WILL END UP IN TIME OUT!

(silence)

Smaller Child (comes back to Mother full of giggles and wordlessly hands her another note):

Mother silently bangs her head on the keyboard.

End scene

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Muffins a la Leigh

2011-11-08T11:56:00.003-05:00

I've been sitting on this recipe for two years (and have probably had Leigh send it to me four or five times) but finally got off my heiny and made it! I have Leigh Schmidt to thank for this lovely recipe and I just need to share.

I think next time I will halve the chocolate chips - it would also be fantastic without them.

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Muffins
Prep 10 minutes Baking time 16-20m per oven batch (I had to bake in two batches)
makes 36 standard size muffins

4 eggs
2c sugar
16oz can of pumpkin
1 1/2 cups vegetable oil (can sub applesauce for up to 1/2 the oil)
3c flour
1 tsp salt
2 tsp baking soda
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp cinnamon
(I added 1 tsp pumpkin pie spice in addition)
2c chocolate chips

In a large bowl, beat eggs, sugar, pumpkin and oil until smooth.

In another bowl, combine flour, salt, baking soda, baking powder and cinnamon. Add to pumpkin mixture, mix well.

Fold in chocolate chips. Fill greased or paper lined muffin cups 3/4 full.

Bake at 400° for 16-20 minutes or until done.
Cool in pan for 10 minutes then remove to wire rack. (Huh. I didn't see this part.)

These are phenomenal - a new permanent addition to my cook book! Thanks LBD!!

At 6am

2011-10-18T07:22:00.002-04:00

Maddie: Mom, can I have goldfish?

Self: No Maddie. You can have cereal. It's morning - no snacks until after breakfast. Would you like to watch Arthur? Cat in the Hat is ending and it's on after that.

Maddie: Ok, Mommy. Are these Grammy's knitting needles?

Self: Yes, Maddie. Please don't touch them, they are longer than mine and I don't want you to get hurt.

Maddie: Can I have an oreo?

Self (fetching cereal): No Maddie. You can have cereal. It's morning - no snacks until after breakfast.

Maddie (has fetched and is now playing with the 14" long knitting needles): Mom, you said you were putting on Arthur. The Cat in the Hat is on ... but it's ending!

Self (articulating very precisely and retrieving needles): MADELINE. I said to please not play with Grammy's needles. And yes, Maddie. Cat in the Hat is ending, Arthur is coming on.

Maddie: Mom, can I have an Oreo?

Self: MADDIE. There is a bowl of cereal in your lap. IT IS DARK OUT. NO.

(pause while I take a deep breathe... glance back over)

Self: MADELINE. GIVE me the plastic hanger, get it away from your ear and eat your breakfast.

Maddie (muttering darkly): Now I have nuthin to play with.

Self (tossing a toy in the vicinity of her lap): Here, love, have a baby doll. It's not sharp.

Maddie: Mom! Wait!! .... Can I have an Oreo?

Gonna take a sentimental journey...

2011-10-08T18:42:00.003-04:00

...Gonna set my heart at ease.
Gonna make a Sentimental Journey,
to renew old memories...

(quoted from http://www.thesjo.com/pages/dorisday.htm)

In December 2007 I wrote a post on TheBabywearer.com ... for years I was part of an amazing online babywearing community. As first a poster, then later a Boston Babywearers leader, baby carrier retailer, instructor I eventually enjoyed helping TheBabywearer.com as a moderator for the Disabilities, Special Needs, Chronic Illness and Babywearing forum. It was an active, vibrant part of my life and I am constantly grateful for the amazing gifts babywearing gave my family, along with the amazing friendships I developed.

I'm copying that post over here (and adding on to it) to save it for myself. It's a scrapbook of pictures of a time I will never forget. For folks who aren't carrier geeks, you won't get what I mean by the carrier names but I hope you enjoy the pictures. You really don't need to look at them all but oh come on ... some of you will. You know who you are!

As a side note, the positioning in many of the early pictures is NOT considered safe by today's standards - precisely why educational groups like Babywearing International and online communities such as TheBabywearer.com are so vital.

Audrey in Rosado - 1 wk old

Audrey with Maid-of-Honor Mommy at her Auntie Carolyn's wedding (almost 4wks old)

Audrey at The Butterfly Place

Audrey in my Ultimate Baby Wrap (don't buy one) and in Daddy's Rosado

Audrey in Sachi Meitai - my first back carry!

Audrey in GypsyMama Poncho (or Melissa dressed as a foothill)

My first back-wrap - Audrey in Storch Ulli

Audrey in Didymos Katja

Audrey wrapping Mickey in a long silk

Audrey in Didy Swing

Audrey in Didymos Fabian and Bjoern

Audrey in Bara Barn Cornflower

Audrey in Bara Barn Chili, Maddie in my tummy at the Cape

Audrey in Didymos Altarosa, Maddie in Tummy ... followed by DH under Altarosa and Audrey on Altarosa...

Audrey in Vatanai Teesta, Maddie in tummy

Audrey on mommy, Maddie in tummy at King Richard's Faire

Hospital stash for Maddie's birth (bottom lt, peanut shell fleece, top lt nat brown indio DIY RS, lt to rt, perlmutt indio, teesta, katya)

Maddie's first wrapjob in Didymos Perlmutt, at 3 days

Leaving the hospital in Peanut Shell (Maddie 5 days)

Maddie at 1 wk

Maddie's first back carry in Ellaroo Podaegi

Maddie - yep she's really in there (3wks)

Maddie at Stone Zoo Lights. I needed a scarf. (4wks)

Maddie in Vatanai Koira (5wks)

Maddie w/Bridesmaid Mommy in custom Kalea at Uncle Teddy's Wedding (6wks)

Maddie in very special handmade podaegi (6 wks) on Christmas Eve

Happy Maddie!

Audrey in Vatanai Pamir

Maddie in Nori babywearing vest

Maddie asleep w/katja at LLL conference

Maddie, a wrap and a cougar

Maddie in Travelling Tamvickle

Maddie in my very special Taitasi

Maddie after her Christening

Gore Place Sheepshearing Festival 2007

Maddie (asleep), Paul and I swing dancing in Didymos Bleu Indio at Amy's wedding

Daddy and Maddie at the Stone Zoo

Maddie in Calin Bleu at the Cape and raspberry picking at Brooksby Farm

Audrey in a Ten Toes MT

Audrey bouncing her baby in pouch...

Maddie playing safe in Didymos Kobalt Nino w/wool

at a Nahant beach clean up(taken by Audrey), Audrey same day)

Maddie 4th of July

At the Butterfly place - 3 years after the first time

Me and my girls, in Didymos Zyklam ... Happy Holidays!

DH and Maddie in Green/black/white indio - his favorite - at the Roger Williams Zoo, and another with both girls....

After 8 weeks unable to babywear due to a serious injury, my doc ok'd short duration wearing...

Maddie at 16m in our favorite snuggle wrap ... Calin Bleu Fleece Candy Stripe...you have no idea what this picture means to me! Well maybe you do - posting it even tho it isn't the most flattering

3 day old niece Lilla in the same wrap

And my sweet nephew Eliot in Laguna Elipsen

almost 4 year old Audrey in her new job as wrap shipper - this earned her a nickle

18m Maddie in our MBD Calyx at the Butterfly Place ... aaaaaaaagain

18m Maddie asleep in Ten Toes mutt

18m Maddieand almost 4 y/o Audrey in arms at the Boys and Girls Club carnival

At a wedding with Maddie in Wendy's dyed Pfau - rockin this ruck in 4in heels!

Audrey wearing that silk again ... age 4

And one sleepless night they BOTH want to be worn ...

At the zoo ... look close and you can see my trusty cane

At a pow-wow

At the Audobon Society's Garden in The Woods Butterfly Day ... Maddie leading the way with her map in my Naglikti

Maddie asleep in Maruyama at the doctor's office - ruptured eardrum! Amazing doctor did her whole exam while wrapped. March '09

In a fleece blanket after a long day at the beach, April '09

After the Big Apple Circus in Olives in Applesauce, April '09

My last times wearing my littlest one - February and July, 2010

Maddie age 4y, wearing twins

Wearing my god-daughter, Lorelei Temperance. August, 2011

No-Cook Jello Playdough

2011-09-29T13:38:00.000-04:00

I used to love Jello. As a kid, as a teenager, as a college student. L O V E. Somehow as an adult I've lost the love and oddly enough my kids don't like it either ... which isn't a bad thing considering its absolutely null nutritional value.

Today is rainy, gross and my kids have no school :|

Desperate for a diversion, I pulled out the ingredients for chocolate chip cookies ... and realized everything I needed to bake them was in the unwashed dishwasher. Huh. PLAYDOUGH! I could make playdough instead AND I wouldn't be tempted to eat it.

I've recently been sucked into the Pinterest universe and have seen folks linking to a Jello playdough recipe. Well alrighty then! Two sad little boxes of strawberry-banana Jello have languished in my cabinets for eons ... time to go, boys!

I was disappointed to see that the Jello playdough recipes were all cooked. I've done cooked playdough, and it rocks but it's completely not worth my spending extra spoons (I have severe fibromyalgia - read the Spoon Theory here ) just to get better consistancy. So I found this Kool-aid no cook recipe and decided to try it with Jello.

And here is what I did.

2 cups flour
3 tbl oil
1/2 cup salt
One 3oz pack of Jello
1 cup boiling water

In a large mixing bowl (or the bowl of your stand-mixer) Dump 1 cup of flour, the oil, salt and jello.
Stir lightly with a fork to blend.
Add boiling water (I nuked mine in a two-cup pyrex measuring cup for 90 seconds so I wouldn't have to measure boiling water) and start mixing until well blended.
Gradually add the last cup of flour. Mix until blended.
Turn out onto a large plate and spread out a bit, allow to cool a bit.

Some notes. It's crazy sticky until it cools, and then is still a wee bit sticky - cooling makes a huge difference. I made one batch this way and a second batch just dumping the flour in all together. The texture was WAY smoother on the first batch and the ingredients blended in easier.

I also tried adding yellow food coloring to the second give me an orange color. The strawberry banana jello made the playdough a gorgeouds light to medium pink. I had to add a HUGE amount of food coloring to change the color and then it went a bit neon. Moral of the story: not worth the effort to change the color. The kids grabbed the dough before I could snap a pic of the colors separately so all you can see of the pink is that bit in the middle but it was really pretty. Sigh.

Lastly, I think this recipe makes enough for one kiddo. I haven't tried doubling it to see if the stand mixer bowl can handle that large of a batch, but it might. Derfinitely going to watch for Jello sales and grab some more for making playdough! It colors much better than food coloring in my opinion ... but then I'm apparently food coloring challenged.

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

2011-09-19T10:50:00.004-04:00

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

Many prominent bloggers were asked to participate in this simple blog post meme to help spread awareness during Invisible Awareness Week (September 11-18th). I read about it on ButYouDon'tLookSick.com and while I'm not even really a blogger, I decided to do it as well. I post about fibromyalgia because I want others living in pain to know they are not alone.

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: I live with Fibromyalgia, migraines and Reynaulds.

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: I was diagnosed in 2000. I was 24 and a graduate student at Wheelock College.

3. But I had symptoms since: Childhood. My parents spent years taking me to doctors, running tests. A rheumatologist at Children's Hospital in Boston later said he always felt I had fibromylagia but "back then we didn't believe it occurred in children". In fact, most doctors didn't believe it occurred at all. My symptoms changed dramatically in 2006.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Being realistic. It doesn't matter how badly I want to drive to a friend's house 30 minutes away. I might be able to make it there, but I won't be able to make it home. I grew up in the "You can do anything you want to do" generation ... which is generally true. I just can't do things the WAY I used to. I can still do many strenuous things, but I need to rely on others for help doing things outside my limits and I need to be constantly aware that pushing my limits will ALWAYS have consequences.

5. Most people assume: that I'm a patient, strong mother and a bit of an airhead. I'm none of the above. Parenting with fibromyalgia is the hardest thing I've ever done and it doesn't get easier. Ever. I hate that my cognitive changes make me look like a ditz and lead me to make embarrassing errors. I have a degree in neuroscience for pete's sake, and now I can't think straight. I miss my brain ... and most people assume I can think normally.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: not zoning out at the computer, getting the kids out the door on time. My brain and body just don't move well in the morning and it's a daily fight.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: House! Come fix me you drug addicted maniac!!

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: I love my microwavable stuffed cat that warms my feet every night. I also love my Nook - it's so much easier to read when I don't have to strain my hands holding a book open! And my ice packs. I hate them but I can't live without them.

9. The hardest part about nights are: Climbing into bed in pain. It's so much simpler to stay up late staring at the tv or computer but I can't do that AND parent two little girls. Once I get into bed there is nothing to distract me from the aches and spasms. I can understand why people in chronic pain are prone towards self medicating.

10. Each day I take at least 8 prescription pills and four over the counter meds. I should be taking vitamins with more regularity but I get overwhelmed. I often take more prescription, over the counter and herbal remedies depending on the day.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: have tried them all (almost). No, I'm not kidding. Yes, I've even tried ______ . Some have helped a bit, some not at all and some have made me worse. I find a balance btwn allopathic and naturopathic treatments work best for me. Sometimes even when something works (eg water physical therapy), the amount of energy it uses makes it impossible. Whatever works for you personally, I'd love to hear about it. BUT if it works for your neighbor's niece's cousin or you saw it on TV or the internet I may seem a little brittle when you suggest it. Please don't interpret that as my being ungrateful for you caring for me - I really do appreciate your concern. I LIVE this though, so if it's out there you can bet I've had it suggested to me. Repeatedly.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: This depends on the day you ask me. Most of the time I am extremely grateful that my illness doesn't make people stare, doesn't make me feel even more self-conscious than I already am. Other days ... I wish my children could see a meter telling them about my energy level or pain level. It's really hard for them to gauge. I wish the person who glares at me when I legally park in a handicap spot could understand I'm not defrauding the system. I wish people could understand that I don't mean to forget to call, I'm not really a snob for not recognizing them, I really don't mean to lose every piece of paper you hand me, I really CAN'T walk all over the store when you tell me something is on Aisle 1 but its actually on Aisle 16. On THOSE days ... on those days I wish it was visible. Neon would be nice.

13. Regarding working and career: I had to close a thriving business I loved when my fibromyalgia worsened ... and the grief was intense. I was also unable to return to work at the part-time job I had loved. Right now I am focusing on raising my children as best I can. Someday they will be in school full time and will require less of me physically ... at that point I will see where I am in the world and how I can find a place in the workforce again.

14. People would be surprised to know: that I've done many small amazing and exciting things, both before and after my fibro worsened. I've swam with sharks and sea turtles, walked on hot coals, gone sky diving, driven across Costa Rica, been on a ballroom dance team, taken kickboxing and judo, written a children's book...

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: The "I really can't". Some days, I can walk around a museum for two hours ... but other days I really can't drive across town to pick up my daughter at school. It happens at least once a day, sometimes more often, that I am caught off guard by an "I can't". I like that they still catch me off guard ... I think it means that I still believe I can push my limits.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: I never thought I could live like this without grief etching itself into every hour. When my fibro changed in 2006 I grieved for the many freedoms I lost. In that time I could not see a future without that heartache ... I knew it would be there but I couldn't SEE it. I still grieve when I run into a barrier that means I miss something precious - a nature walk with my children, driving to see a friend and their new baby - but I've found a peace that I've never had before.

17. The commercials about my illness: The only commercials for Fibromyalgia are trying to sell drugs. They frustrate the hell out of me and hurt my children. When a four-year old sees a commercial for something like Lyrica, they run excitedly to Mommy, full of hope and proud they can give her something to relieve her pain. It hurts their little hearts to hear how thankful I am that they thought of me, but no, honey, that medicine doesn't work for Mommy. (Follow this with talking about how they can bring me ice packs to help or snuggle me when I'm too tired to walk etc.)

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is [in my case, since I worsened]: Hiking, walking with my children. Driving long distances, spending the day with friends far away. Running my own errands. Teaching moms how to use baby carriers at the Boston Babywearers meetings and at the workshops I ran. Wearing my kiddos in carriers (this loss was the keenest) .

19. It was really hard to have to give up: My spontaneity. I can be spontaneous in small ways IF I keep it local and IF I have enough energy and IF I don't need that energy for something later on. Wait ... is that actually spontaneous?

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Knitting! I've also learned home canning. It's so incredible to be able to crack open a comforting jar of my OWN pasta sauce, chili or fruit when I'm feeling too weak to make dinner.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: I would do something outside with my husband and children. The beach, the woods, I don't CARE ... just walk and run, play tag with them. And I'd drive! I'd drive wherever I wanted to go, to some random town fair or festival on a whim. And then I would come home and cook a fun elaborate dinner. And bake.

22. My illness has taught me: Enjoy the good days to their fullest. Try to find grace, peace and joy in the bad ones.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: I hate when people suggest I try something obvious, like a heating pad. Seriously people, this isn't new to me. I also hate when they say, "Does anything help?" I don't know why this one is so hard for me, since it's meant with good intentions. Sometimes I feel awkward when I have to say, no, my story doesn't have a happy ending (so far). Other times I feel so raw from grief or pain that it just feels too personal.

24. But I love it when people: I love it when people remember to park close or offer to let me off near the door of where we are going. I love it when people bring me food or fresh fruit. I love it when they keep an extra eye on my children when I am too tired/sore/foggy to do so. I love it when my kids bring me glasses of water or ice packs without my asking. I love when my husband brings me iced teas and bags of cheetos and doesn't hate me when the pain gets too much and I whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: Work of head and hand is my salvation when disappointment or weariness burden and darken my soul. ~~ Journal of Louisa May Alcott

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Read the Spoon Theory on Butyoudon'tlooksick.com ... share it with everyone who cares about you. Get a handicap placard - I know you CAN make it all the way to the mall from a far spot, but will you have the energy to do your errands after that? And get back to the car? AND drive home safely? Don't wait until you get stuck, get it now ... you don't have to use it unless you need it. Also, find a way to eat healthy when you are too tired to eat ... and when you fall off that horse, keep trying. Comfort food is ok for comfort but this is life, honey. And you can't comfort yourself everyday. Living on delivery or fast food may be easy but you will feel worse. And quite frankly it starts tasting pretty lousy after a while. Save it for your WORST days.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: that I can get past the drama and keep living, keep doing the things that need to get done.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: My mom and dad do more for me than I can say but my two favorites are when my dad picks up a big bag of fresh fruit, veggies and milk for my kiddos and when my mom insists I give her a bag of laundry. I also love it when my mom takes me out to dinner or lunch. I love enjoying an easy meal without having to drive/cook/clean etc but most of all I just love her company.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: sometimes having an invisible illness makes you FEEL invisible. And that's a horrible way to feel.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: appreciated, heard, strong.

Fundraising for Dan Baker and Family

2011-09-03T09:35:00.002-04:00

As some of you may know, my cousin Daniel was in a serious motorcycle accident this past Tuesday afternoon. He has severed his spine and is paralyzed below T6 (right below his shoulder blades). We are so happy to say he is in stable condition and he is just waiting on the doctor's OK to be moved to a rehab center in Boston. Dan had the good sense to wear his helmet, which probably ended up saving his life.

As you can imagine, this is a very trying and difficult time for Dan's whole family, especially his very loving and devoted parents, Jane and Paul. Some of our family members thought now would be a great time for us to pull together to help them out in their time of confusion, chaos,and need.  Dan's sister in law Katie and my sister in law Kara have joined together to come up with some great ideas on how we can all help Jane, Paul and Dan.

With your help, we can get Jane and Paul weeks worth of meals delivered right to them with very minimal preparation required on their part.

Our goal is to raise enough money to gift Jane and Paul with a certificate (from dinewise.com) worth $1000.00. At Dinewise.com, to get a $1000.00 gift certificate, it only costs us $850.00 (which is getting 12 free meals!).

We would also like to do something for Dan. Katie and Kevin thought that getting him an ipad would be wonderful for him for so many reasons. It can be used as an eReader, a computer, and it doesn't take up much room. It will be a great long term solution for Dan and will help keep his spirits up by allowing him the ability to stay connected, stay entertained, and stimulate his mind.

As both of these are planned as surprises, please don't share with Jane, Paul or Dan!

There are 2 ways that you can help by donating.

1)     You may go to Kara's website http://karabakerphotography.zenfolio.com/recent.html Choose the gallery marked DONATE and enter password: 1234. You select the photo (the only one there) and then choose on the lower right hand side the denomination that you want to contribute.   You will have to then follow instructions (hit continue, drag the photo, add tocart and then check out).

2)     Send a paypal payment directly to Kara at kara@karabakerphotography.com

Please continue to send prayers, love and positive thoughts to Dan, Jane and Paul.

All my love,
Melissa

Today's creation! Odds & Ends Fruit Crisp

2011-06-07T12:21:00.001-04:00

When I was six my family moved into a house with a lovely fenced yard and a massive aged rhubarb plant. Never having had a rhubarb plant of her own, my mother was nervous one of us children would eat some of the highly poisonous leaves and set out on a mission to remove the thing. I'm not sure of my brother, but I know my sister and I grew up very wary of rhubarb as a baking ingredient.

Yesterday at the market, Maddie was entranced by the beautiful spears of rosy rhubarb at her eye level and picked one up, asking me to buy it. Well. Strawberries were on sale, my pantry was full of jars of crisp topping that Maddie and I had made a few weeks ago and one spear only cost $.87 ... why not?

I woke up this morning ready to bake my first rhubarb recipe ever - strawberry rhubarb crisp. Aaaaaaaaaand I found a bowl full of strawberry hulls next to Daddy's seat on the couch. He ate half the strawberries. The HORROR!

So I looked at what I had in the cabinet, did a little googling and found the following recipes for inspiration: Blackberry Rhubarb Crisp and Rhubarb and Nectarine Crumble

So without further ado...

Odds and Ends Fruit Crisp

about 1.5 lb of strawberries, hulled and chunked
1 spear of rhubarb, sliced into "coins"
1 nectarine, chunked
1.5 cups of blackberries (big ones halved)
1/3 cup homemade cranberry applesauce from the pantry (subbing for the OJ)
1/2 cup brown sugar (not convinced it needs this, but never baked with rhubarb before)

One jar of my Crisp Topping
5tbl of butter, cut into little pieces

Pour crisp mix and butter into a medium sized bowl.
Crumble butter into crisp mix, pinching with fingers until the whole mixture is well blended and resembles moist sand (per America's Test Kitchen recomendations for crisp topping). I should have taken a pic of this. Gah. Refrigerate for 15 minutes. Preheat oven to 375F.

While everything is chillin and heatin, get filling ready in an oven-safe casserole (8in square glass pan or 9in deep dish pie pan will work). Mix brown sugar with juice or apple sauce. Pour fuit into casserole and toss with sugar mix.

When topping chilled, pat on top of fruit. Bake on middle rack with something underneath (foil, cookie sheet etc) to catch drips. Bake about 40 minutes or until topping is really browned. I like to bake it at least 45m.

Allow to cool at least 15m before eating. Or not. Whatever rocks your socks!

Fruit Crisp Topping

2011-06-07T12:14:00.000-04:00

Hey all. My new favorite pantry item is pint sized canning jars filled with this crisp topping, readdy to pour on whatever I'm suddenly tempted to bake. This can be assembled in advance, like I do, or at the time of baking. Each jar contains the ingredients below, layered. My brown sugar did harden a wee bit but it was still soft enough to crumble. I've used the basic fruit crisp topping recipe from America's Test Kitchen. They call for 3/4c chopped pecans but blech ... who likes those, nasty allergenic things? I've used a combination of cereals and oats instead :D I think the lightly sweetened oat flakes really make the topping, but play with it.

6 tbl flour
1/4c Grape Nuts cereal
1/4c Kashi Heart to Heart Oat Flakes & Blueberry clusters
1/4c rolled oats (NOT instant or steel cut oats - ask me how I know)
1/4c granulated sugar
1/4 dark brown sugar
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp salt

ETA: I did find the brown sugar hardened quite a bit by the time I used the last jar. Making it for the second time, I'm laying a small piece of bread crust on top of the brown sugar. Not attractive if you are giving as gifts but excellent for personal storage.

As a side note I find that brown sugar keeps very soft if immediately transferred into canning jars after purchase, adding a small piece of bread to each jar. I like the plastic freezer lids for storing dry goods such as this.

This fits in a pint canning jar if you press the ingredients in, smooshing the flakes etc. I make 3+ jars at a time - always worth it.

When you are ready to bake, crumble one jar of filling with 5 tbl unsalted butter in a medium bowl. Pinch and crumble until the mixture resembles damp sand. Chill 15min while oven preheats to 375 F.

Choose an 8in sqare glass pan, a 9inch deep dish pie pan or something similar. Dump in your filling (you're on your own here) and pat chilled filling on top. Bake on middle rack (put something under it to catch drips) for 40 minutes or until topping is nicely browned. Allow to cool about 15m before eating. Enjoy!

A few of my favorite things ... Day One

2010-12-29T17:54:00.000-05:00

I was driving along the other day and thinking, "I love my car ... MAN I love this car!".

Then I realized I have quite a few special treasures that I just adore. Since that SCREAMS blogpost, I made a list and decided to write about them. Over the next few weeks as time a health allow, I'm going to talk about the things that make me smile. You're going to notice that many of these are my favorites because of how they impact my energy level or my different abilities but some are just fun :)

2007 Toyota Matrix in speedway blue

So this summer (after more than a year of not being able to drive) I traded in my behemouth minivan for this sweet little car. Yes, it really IS that color - so freaking easy to find it in a parking lot! The doors are lightweight, not draining to open or shut. It has a glorious sunroof that lets me have the sun shine on me year round. The tailgate has my favorite feature ... I can pop open the glass on it and load my groceries in without hefting up the whole tailgate! I love that the windows are NOT tinted because they obscure my vision less. It's easy to park, easy on my arms/back/neck to turn and drive. I love that it gives me freedom and I love that it was a bargain and I LOVE that when people look at it they smile and say, "Now THAT is a Melissa car."

Knit Picks Options Interchangeable Harmony Wood Circular Knitting Needle Set

I've had this lovely set since Christmas 2009. It was a fantastic present from my parents that has really helped me become more comfortable as a knitter. The warm wood is comfortable for my hands, the tips are the perfect length. I love that I can store the cables coiled and they don't stay loopy. The tips are sharp and pointy, yet strong.

The only cons to these needles don't really bother me. The first is that the join requires you to use a small tool to tighten it. Possesed with knitter's hubris? Think you can hand-tighten it? BAD plan. You'll find out (as I did, on at least three separate occasions) halfway through a row that your tip has come unscrewed and you've dropped thirty stitches. Note that I kept trying this. I tend to be chock full of hubris ... but now I tighten the tips.

The other con is that unlike a number of other sets, the shortest cable is only 24 inches. Denise, Skacel Addi Lace, Colonial and Webs all offer shorter lengths.

Scentsy Warmers

When I was in college I was a huge Yankee (Colonial, Partylite, *insert smelly candle brand*) Candle fan. I used to love their wax tart burners but was less than enchanted by the soot build-up inside so i mostly stuck with my candles. And then the small people entered my life.

I can still light candles if I place them carefully away from small hands, but then they are generally out of my sight/smell ... so what is the point? I've tried essential oil diffusers (even serious professional grade ones) but the fragrances seem to irritate my husband and kiddos more.

This year I bought a Scentsy warmer to try to get some of that old yummy scent going through the apartment (I went with Christmas Tree, Autumn Sunset and Reggae Sunset) and it's pretty cool. It's just like the candle-based wax tart warmer except uses a small lightbulb to warm the wax. It also uses a smaller pieces of wax that are much more affordable. Gotta love that! So far I love the smells (and want to try a few I smelled at a friend's house - Mr. Watson and Honey Pear Cider), the ease of use and the way it looks. Score!

So those are three of my favorite things ... I hope I didn't bore you completely. More to come as soon as the small people allow!

Fine print: I don't benefit in any way from product mentions in this blog.

Addi Lace Clicks Review (for you, Jillian)

2010-11-20T16:23:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago my long-awaited trip to Stitches East went horribly awry. I consoled myself by spending the last of my birthday money on a set of Addi Lace Clicks interchangable needles. I'd wanted these for quite awhile, having fallen in love with the Addi's Lace Circulars during my shawl-a-thon last spring.

Sorry this is lacking in pictures but I wanted to get my impressions down while I was thinking about them. Below my thoughts I'll list my impressions in bullet points including details like tip length, needle material, join mechanism and join smoothness.

My initial reaction was Ooooooooooooooooooh. How lovely! How pretty! The case is streamlined and relatively well-designed, with magnetic closures and a zipper pocket for any small bits you may need. I quickly sat down to cast on the Montego Bay scarf in some gorgeous Blue Heron Rayon Metallic (in Day Lily) and my heart fell. I had heard that Addi had encountered difficulty achieving a smooth join when producing the tips using same bronze finish as found in the Addi Lace Circular needles but I hadn't thought about how that would impact the feel of the needles or the slide of the yarn on them.

The Lace Clicks are made using the same material as the Addi Turbos while retaining the finer, more elongated tip of the Lace Circulars. One of the things I loved about the Addi Lace Circs was that it had a gentle grip - fantastic for slippery lace yarn. The Lace Clicks are super slick. After the disappointment of missing Stitches, I just burst into tears. I've always avoided metal needles because I have trouble managing slick yarn when my hands are fumbly.

Time went on and I used them here and there for smaller swatching projects ... I began to enjoy the slickness of the yarn on the needles. Holy moses they are fast. I picked up my Lace Circs to knit a pair of gingerless mitts and ... hmmmm ... suddenly they were too grippy! Interesting.

Mitts finished, I decided to cast on a matching scarf. I cast on using sz 10 Addi Lace Clicks and within two rows my hands began to ACHE. I realized the problem ... the needle tips are too short for comfort. They need to be shorter to accomodate the 16inch cables in the Clicks kit but OW ... my hands cramped all up. I quickly switched it over to my Knit Picks Harmony interchangables and the ache eased.

So here is the nitty gritty of it all...

Addi Lace Clicks -
~ fantastic fine point, as sharp as Harmony needles but more elongated. Better for lace knitting

~ slick speedy material. They are lacking the grip of the Addi Lace Circs, so if you are in love with that these might not be the needles for you.

~ INCREDIBLE join mechanism. If you have a KitchenAid Mixer you'll recognize the connection. It's very similar to the connection that KitchenAid uses to lock the mixing blade onto the mixer. Absolutely fantastic design, super secure. No more needle tips unscrewing mid-row and dropping a billion stitches (I've had this occur with the Harmony tips and have run into alot of frustration when I misplace the tightening tool required to tighten the Harmony tips).

~ pretty smooth join. The folks who sold the set to me gushed ridiculously about the join but it was not as impressive as I thought it would be. It's most likely the best join possible using the secure locking mechanism and that particular needle material, but I think it's about comprable to the KP Harmony join. In fact, the Harmony join seems a bit better at times.

~ bendy cords in a wide variety of lengths, printed with the length. It's very handy to have the short lengths of cords but quite honestly I would rather have longer tips for comfort. They fit nicely into the zipper pocket on the back of the case but they seem to hold their loopiness a bit too much if they stay rolled up in there. Harmony cables are equally flexible and seem to resist getting too loopy if stored rolled up (a big plus when using long cables for Magic Loop knitting) but I do love that the Addi's have the length printed on them.

~ size printed on the needle tip. Holy cow I love this. Loooooooooooove. Harmony tips don't have this.

So that said, I like the Addi Lace Clicks, but don't *love* them. I'm absolutely not interested in rehoming my Harmony needles any time soon but the Addis have enough positives going for them that I am going to hang onto them as well.

Hope this gives some feedback to those who are interested!

Just noting: I have no affiliation with any of the companies mentioned above.

Easy Turkey Dinner with some of the Trimmings ;) Kind of...

2010-11-05T20:36:00.000-04:00

** Disclaimer - Yes, I am aware that stuffing that is not cooked INSIDE the bird is supposed to be called dressing. But this is my blog ... here it is and will always be stuffing ;)

-----------
I have a small problem with stuffing. I eat it like candy. I mean look at this. LOOK at this.

I had a lonely bag of Pepperidge Farm Cornbread stuffing languishing in a cabinet and turkey breast cutlets in the freezer. Mmmmm... or so I thought.

As I myself languished in bed after a horrible week, I began lusting after stuffing. Mmmm. With gravy. Ooooooh sweet mother, I had all the ingredients on hand to make this EASY. What LUCK! Ha.

So here is what I had in the fridge/freezer/pantry...
a bucket of prechopped celery & onions (it was on sale)
1lb frozen turkey cutlets (uh oh)
packets of Simply Organic turkey gravy
Buttah
boxes of organic stock in a multitude of varieties (and some in the freezer)
that big lonely bag of cornbread stuffing
Penzey's Bavarian Seasoning*

*This is my precious. They recommend it for pork, lamb or veal but the ingredients really lend themselves to poultry, IMHO. This is easy enough to mix up at home: crushed brown mustard, rosemary, garlic, thyme, bayleaf & sage. But at $2.85 for a small jar (I was in the store so no shipping!) I figured I could try it and save myself the effort of grinding up all that stuff ... which I would never remember to do. It SMELLS LIKE THANKSGIVING.

Anywho, I mixed up some stock with a packet of turkey gravy and dumped that, a cup of chopped celery and onions and the turkey into my smaller crockpot. I sprinkled it all liberally with My Precious and set it on high.

I wasn't too worried about the quantity of meat b/c the girls never touch turkey and dh & I could fill up the extra space with stuffing.

So around dinner time I took out said stuffing and melted the butter, sauteed more chopped onions and celery, added stock to the pan and, yes, sprinkled in more of My Precious.

Time to add the stuffing to it all and bake as directed ... (insert screeching halt noise here)...

... it expired in July.

Well really, how bad could it be? It's just bread and seasonings. Let's check the ingredients ... uh-oh. Soybean oil. My pantry (aka the small cabinet that backs up to my neighbor's tropically hot apartment) is NOTORIOUS for making things with oil in them go off.

I took a sniff. The pantry had done it again.

Well crap.

Then dilemna #2 ... the kids running into the kitchen crowing, Oooooh mom, that smells delicious!! Now to share barely one pound of turkey four ways. NO way to do that without side dishes.

I did some quick googling and referencing of my America's Test Kitchen cookbook and I decided to wing homemade stuffing. You can see where we start to slide away from easy here.

I slid half a loaf of wheat bread, slice by slice onto one rack of the already preheated 350 degree oven, followed by about 8 hamburger rolls on the other rack. The book said 30-60m at 300F to dry out the bread and to then allow it to cool. After about 10 minutes I jacked it to 350 and pulled out half a hamburger roll for each kiddo. I slathered it with butter and garlic powder, plated some of the turkey and added some raw brocolli. Dinner for the kiddos. Ta da.

They would never eat the stuffing anyway and needed to eat NOW.

When the bread was dry I debated the next few steps. The cookbook said butter the casserole but I was adding a ton of butter anyway. I skipped it - turned out pretty well that way but I think it would have added a tasty crispy layer around the edges. Now to cool or not cool? I was thisclose to turkey and stuffing. Not cool. I crumbled all the bread into one inch chunks and poured the butter/broth/veggie mix I had originally made for the prepacked stuffing all over it. Huh. Doesn't seem very wet. Ok, lid on, in it goes ... maybe the steam will help?

Thirty minutes later, not so much.

I cut more butter into the skillet, dump in the last of the onion/celery mix and more of My Precious. Sautee, add broth, bring to a simmer, mix in with all the cooked stuffing, re-lid and back in the oven for another 10min.

Now I bet if I had let it cook longer it would have been uniformly moist but I like my stuffing to have crunchy bits.

I portioned out the rest of the turkey, large helpings of stuffing and topped them all with the gravy that they turkey had cooked in (which probly should have been strained to look pretty but those wee bits of turkey and veg were soooooo good).

It was all so good.

Life lessons:
Buy more turkey.
Stuffing isn't hard to make from scratch.
One packet of gravy for this recipe is NOT enough. I almost licked the crockpot.
I cannot be without Penzey's Bavarian Seasoning. Ever.
The beautiful stunning gorgeous covered Le Creuset 4qt stoneware casserole I bought (on double super sale ... with free shipping) with my birthday money this year was worth every penny.

So after all that, here is my recipe for posterity (aka, me wanting to make it again and not remembering how).

1lb thin sliced turkey breast cutlets (next time thick cut is fine - or a whole breast, 2-3lbs)
1 packet turkey gravy (next time, at least 2)
3 cups chopped onions and celery (total - more next time)
Seasonings as you like
3 cups stock (mooooore)
1/2 loaf wheat bread and 8 hamburger rolls or the equivalent
1 stick butter

Mix turkey packet with appropriate amount of liquid noted on packet - I used stock. Add gravy, 1 cup cut veg, turkey to crockpot. Season liberally & set to cook.

Dry out your bread bits as mentioned above. Set aside.

45 minutes before ready to eat...
Preheat oven to 350F
Butter casserole. If you don't have a lidded one, plan to cover with aluminum foil.
Crumble dry bread into casserole. If you like a more crumby stuffing (less large hunks) roll the dried bread btwn your hands for a finer texture. I personally like a combo. In this recipe, larger chunks tend to stay more crispy.

Saute remaining veg and seasonings in melted butter until fragrant and onions begin to soften. Add stock to veg and heat through til. lightly simmering. Pour over bread in casserole and mix gently til well covered.

Bake 30m covered. If it's too dry, fix as I did above. If its too moist, uncover, rasie oven temp to 400F and cook 10 more minutes.

If I was really going for authentic I would crack open some of my homemade cranapple sauce from the pantry. Swoon....

Pizza Chicken (veggie option at the end) ~ Welcome Back Cold Weather!

2010-11-03T19:30:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer numero uno - this does not involve a crust in anyway.

Disclaimer part deux - my official apologies to the DiFazios and Patalanos in my heritage (and Gentiles by marriage) who I embarrass by using jarred sauce in this recipe. I'm exhausted. Apologies also for the use of mild cheddar. Just. Trust. Me.

-----------

Something about this cold brisk weather has me reaching for my big, heavy pieces of cookware. Crockpots, dutch ovens, thick high-walled iron skillets, my stoneware *** blissful sigh***

Today was a hogswart of a day (don't ask me ... I'm trying to hold off on the profanity here) and I have a brandy-new piece of stoneware to bake in (thank you Tina!!) so I found myself reaching way way back to pre-children memories for a comfort dish of epic proportions. But with minimal prep. Boo-yeah.

I'm not sure if the small monsters will eat this concoction. Frankly, my darling, I don't give a damn (does it count as profane if I'm quoting a cultural classic?). If they are hungry, they will take in calories. If not, they will eat eggs for breakfast.

So without further ado, my beloved Pizza Chicken... as with all my recipes, this is more a guideline. If you like hard and fast, sorry baby. Wrong blog. The amounts are what I used personally for two adults with hearty appetites and two chicken who exist on air and with the intent to have a ton of left overs. We ended up with a wee bit of leftovers. So. Dang. Good.

Pizza Chicken
2.5-3lbs of boneless breasts, pounded very thin or purchased "thinly sliced" (woot ... was on sale)
1 lg jar tomato sauce (I like Classico Four Cheese)
sliced pepperoni (optional)
a block of mozzarella
a bag of shredded mozzarella
shredded parmesan
shredded mild cheddar (huh? I know. Just trust me)
your favorite italian seasonings
sea or kosher salt, pepper, garlic powder (I like granulated garlic)

Needed: large skillet or fry pan, large casserole or baking dish with lid or tinfoil

Cut chicken into large medallions - like 2-3inches each. Dust both sides with salt, pepper and garlic powder and begin browning the medallions in batches in a large skillet over medium heat. Brown on each side. Chicken should be cooked all the way through or almost all the way through - it will NOT be in the oven long enough to cook through based on that alone.

While chicken is browning, cut some of the block of mozzarella into 1inch chunks and set aside. Cut pepperoni slices into quarters (scissors ROCK for this) and set aside.

Preheat oven for 425 F. (I started at 350 and it took forevaaaaaaaaaah so I upped the ante halfway through)

As chicken batches finish, lay a layer of chicken in the baking dish as you would lasagna noodles. Add a light layer of sauce, a light layer of pepperoni bits and scatter with mozzarella chunks (how much is totally up to you). Sprinkle lightly with parmesan.

Repeat until the last layer of chicken.

Now on TOP of all that, cover with a layer of shredded mozzarella, more shredded parmesan, some mild shredded cheddar (see? its only here folks) and your favorite italian seasonings. I like parsley, oregano, garlic powder, onion powder and black pepper.

Cover with your lid or tinfoil and put it in the oven for about 20 minutes. After first 15m, remove lid. When it is FULL on bubbling and all cheese on top has melted, and return to oven under broiler for as long as it takes to lightly brown the top. NOTE! Your cheese is already really hot so this will only take a minute or two. In my pathetic broiler that barely works it was almost too well-done after five minutes. I personally brown the life outta that bad boy.

This is really yummy over noodles but is even better by itself with some lightly steamed green beans as a side.

OPTIONS!
To meat or not to meat? -- dude, use whatever you want. You can substitute meatless sausage, portobello mushrooms, beef, pork. Knock your bobbie socks off.

Sauce -- this is actually REALLY fantastic with meat sauce, sausage sauce and pretty much any sauce you like.

Add-ins -- consider adding in anything you love on your pizza - veggies, olives, anchovies, you make the call baby

All that cheese -- so what do you do with the leftover cheese? Freeze it if you won't eat it. Chop the remainder of the block of mozzarella into one inch chunks and place in one layer in a gallon freezer bag. Freeze them laying flat and you can remove them as you need them.

Did you read this far? Can ya find the Lush jar in the picture? I even have them in my kitchen...

Preserving

2010-09-22T11:42:00.000-04:00

Part of the fun of being a grown up is getting to choose from life's buffet. What do you choose?

I pick a bit of mainstream, some modern, a bit of crunchy hippy and some old fashioned. I guess my life would make a really snazzy Venn Diagram.

Last year I made a huge ton of applesauce in my crockpot and each time there was a race to finish it before it went bad. I considered freezing it but when I put things into my freezer it's a bit like jettisoning them out of an airlock in space. Near a black hole. A big one.

So this year I decided to learn to preserve applesauce. People refer to this process using alot of terms... putting up preserves, preserving, home canning (which doesn't actually involve cans, just in case you were curious) are just a few of my favorites. According to the USDA National Center for Home Food Preservation there are many ways to preserve food. Depending on the food, your needs and your equipment you can freeze, dry, cure & smoke or can your food. Canning refers to using glass jars (remember mason jars) with a two piece lid and either a boiling water canner or a pressure canner. Another informative site is the Ball Canning Supplies homepage.

I don't pretend to be an expert and mistakes in canning can be very dangerous so I'm not going to tell you how to can here. If you are interested in canning, do your research first. BEFORE you pick your fruit and get ready to can....

Buy or borrow one of the Ball books on canning (the Ball Blue Book and the Ball Complete Book of Home Preserving) and read it cover to cover.
Assess what equipment you need and look it over. Understand what each piece does and how to use it.
Buy a dozen quality jars with lids and rings to begin with. Many people buy used jars from flea markets and thrift shops ... and that is FANTASTIC. But until you understand what a flawed jar looks like, starting with a fresh dozen is a good plan.
Understand that you can't wing it. Canning recipes are a balance of physics and chemistry - it's vital to follow directions precisely.
Start small. Many people begin by saying, I'm going to can all 40lbs of my apples this afternoon. Honey, that is alot of apples, alot of steps and alot of room for human error. Begin with one batch per day, work out the kinks.
Never, ever can when exhausted or when small children or infant are at your feet. Bad things can happen.
Create a Burn First Aid kit and keep it in a cabinet next to your stove, right at the front. It should contain burn pads (I like 2nd skin), rolled gauze and first aid tape. No creams, no goop. When you spill that apple sauce or boiling water down your arm, get it under cold water. Rinse it off, apply a burn pad as directed, wrap in gauze and tape up. Do not remove for at least a few hours (for a large burn, overnight). For severe burns, burns on face or abdomen or very large burns, get immediate emergency medical care.

Canning is comforting and fun :)

I was really intimidated by canning, honestly. I chose one single fruit (anyone remember my post about Simpling?) and one single recipe and I gave it a go. And it was so COOL! It felt alot like when I learned to make rustic bread. I could NOT believe I did this all by myself.

Projects like this comfort me. They give me something to immerse myself in, to have a small success. I'm so happy that even tho we can't have a garden, we can handpick local produce and put it by for the winter. I feel like I am preserving something for my children. Knowledge of traditional ways, sure, but also preserving their faith in the truth that differently-abled people can still do small, quietly amazing things.

Tea. It's safer than skydiving.

2010-09-16T18:01:00.001-04:00

Oh my. It started out a rough day and it just kept going that way. On the plus side I have a hot new (to me) ride with a sick CD-changer. Yeah, I have a clue what I'm talking about. All I know is that people large and small have been barking/whining/yelling/apologizing at me all day, had a 1 hr drive to a far away dealership where we had to wait around for close to 3 hours yet I managed to trade in my van for a rockin deal on a car I can drive a wee bit and NOW I NEED SOME FREAKING TEA.

I poured myself a nice big honkin mug of tea before we left on The Mission and left it at home. Then I got home, refilled it from the lovely pot, went to help a crying small person and a large person inadvertently dumped it in the sink.

Whimper.

(** intermission music while I go put water on to boil ... **)

Ok water is set to boil and, much as I crave to brew another pot of Thin Mint Green, I think I've had enough caffeine today to power my snazzy new-to-me wheels. Soooo ... I'm making up a pot of Meditative Mind. I'm slightly dubious of any tea that contains alot of small whole rose buds but hey, we'll give it a go.

Since I have some time here while the water boils, then cools for three minutes (yes friends, it says that in the instructions), steep for 3 minutes and then cool so I don't add burned taste buds to my list of fun today, I'm going to see what else I can review before the small people begin screaming again.

Have you noticed that I tend to use exhaustive run on sentences when I'm exhausted?

ANYWAY.

Something I forgot to mention about Thin Mint Green (and some of the other teas available out there) ... you can brew it more than once. I heart this - I do I do.

Jasmine Green Pu'erh - Wikipedia has a ton of info on Pu'erh tea as does Teaspot. I've always been curious about trying some and I love jasmine green tea so I ordered a sample of this one. First impressions - the mini tea bricks are freaking adorable ... honestly, I opened one and just wanted to love it and hug it and call it George. The scent is fantastic ... not too light, not too cloying. The brewing instructions confused me a bit however. The package recommends 2-6 minutes while the website recommends steeping one minute the first infusion, adding 30 seconds each infusion (it can be infused three to four times). I steeped the initial brew for one minute, I think, and it was absolutely lovely. Luuuuuurvely. A nicely flavored green tea with a pronounced but not overwhelming jasmine scent.

On the second brew I couldn't remember what I had done the first time so I did it by the package and brewed it 2m 30sec. Eeeeeeeeeewwwwk. It was so strong and bitter that I could hardly drink it. Interestingly enough, when my husband tasted it he said, "Eeeeeeeeewkk" as well but not because it was bitter. He just couldn't stand what he considered "too sweet" ... the jasmine notes. Right then.

As I said, I really love this tea but I don't really love the tea brick concept. I think I'd really enjoy trying the Jasmine Pearls Green tea to have a jasmine green in my cabinet and the Organic Loose Black Pu'erh to see how I like loose pu'erh tea.

Bolder Breakfast Tea - This would be the tea I drank a bit of this morning, forgot at home and then had dumped out before I could enjoy it all of it. My first impressions were not super favorable. I didn't really dig the darkness of the flavors or the chocolate notes. This is a true black tea and has the highest caffeine content available on the site. It is a blend of black teas mixed with black pu'reh and what they call "dark chocolate essence". Huh? Ok. Anyway I was writing the Thin Mint review while I drank my first mug of it, thinking, "Hrmph ... wish this was Thin Mint."

I honestly don't think I gave it a fair shake and I'm so happy that Teaspot samples make a few mugs of tea. I'll get back to you with more on this later when my body can handle a serious jolt of caffeine. For those who like cream or milk in your tea, this may be a nice choice. More to come on this.

And now the tea of the moment...

Meditative Mind - **drumroll** Ok, objectively, this is a gorgeous tea. It contains white tea needles, jasmine green tea pearls and a plethora of real honest to goodness pink rosebuds. It's fragrant and pretty to look at and, yes, very relaxing to drink. That said, I'm on the fence. I'm not big on "floral" and the rose taste isn't my favorite. It's an exquisitely done relaxing tea - the rose is well balanced with the jasmine and white tea without being cloying, bitter or overwhelming. I think I will reserve the rest of this sample pack for nights when I really need to relax. As it sits and cools the rose notes mellow and the jasmine scent lingers for a much more balanced taste.

Ok folks, that's four teas down and one mommy less likely to blow her top. I've been pondering the fifth tea, Climber's High, and I don't think it' a good idea for me to try it. I have high blood pressure so I need to avoid ginseng and licorice root :( I'm not out anything since it was sent along with my order as a free sample but fear not, it will find a good home ;)

Tea. It's more acceptable in your travel mug than tequila.

2010-09-16T08:59:00.001-04:00

It's loose tea time in Casa di Gentile, folks. I'm not sure if its the early morning hustle for the school bus or the colder weather but either way, tea keeps me sane.

I was really disappointed last year to find my favorite tea company, Teavana, adding more and more nuts and/or sulfured fruits to their teas. Since I'm really not big on needing a Benedryl chaser with my tea, I had to start looking for a new source.

I found Teaspot through jasmere.com ... its a funky website offering group deals for unique companies. (Disclaimer: I do not represent Teaspot or Jasmere.com in anyway, they don't know who I am and I don't get any sort of referral bonus or credits via that link). ANYWHO, awhile ago they offered a deal at Teaspot. Foolishly I didn't take advantage of it but when I found myself needing a new tea strainer for my pot, I wandered onto their site.

So. Cool.

I ordered a strainer and was thrilled to see them offer sample packs of their teas ... and $5 flat shipping. WOOT!

So since I have the attention span of a puppy (OOOH ... something SHINY! What where you saying?) I decided to write down my impressions of the various teas here so that I can remember what I liked when the samples are gone and I am ready to reorder. Because really, what is the point of getting samples if you then can't remember what you thought of them? Oh its fun being me.

So here is what I bought...
Thin Mint Green
Jasmine Green Pu'erh
Bolder Breakfast
Meditative Mind

and they awesomely sent me a sample of Climbers High, which was freaking awesome since I wanted to try that anyway AND it had no nuts or fruit in it (I'm still unsure of the sulfite status of the fruit in this tea but I love that there isn't fruit in everything). SCORE!

So here we go ... my thoughts on the first of these (the latter will come later). Keep in mind that I'm only posting my own opinions on these. I'm not a huge fan of green, grassy flavored teas or Earl Grey so I won't be trying any of those :P

Thin Mint Green - OMG yum. Ok I have to say that I am REALLY picking about my mint teas. I don't usually even bother trying them since they usually disappoint. In thinking about it, I realized that I like very complex, not overly sweet mint teas with alot of depth. For example Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime leaves me cold but their Sleepytime Vanilla is positively yummy (Celestial Seasonings has no idea who I am). In that case the vanilla still has a bit of sweet to it but it has enough depth that it's a perfect snuggly tea. BACK ON TRACK, MELISSA!! (See, just like a puppy ... SQUIRREL! ... what was I saying?) Ok, so Thin Mint Green. It. Freaking. Rocks. I'm going to order more ASAP because I don't want to face a morning without me. In fact its kinda killing me that I'm forcing myself to try all the others before I make another pot of this. It has a sharp, clear but rich peppermint taste with deep dark notes to it - the name really is perfect for it. While there is no chocolate in this tea, the website says the dark chocolaty notes come from the fact that the green tea leaves are roasted. I dunno. I just know that I tend not to like teas that have chocolate added but I heart this one. MWAH. Big kiss, Thin Mint Green.

Ok. More later. The cranky three year old needs to go to dance class :| Please feel free to message me with my errors in spelling or grammar. I'm exhausted but I do care about that stuff.

What can you accomplish...

2010-09-15T23:03:00.001-04:00

... when someone believes in you?

Two years ago I began to have difficulty driving. My comfort-level and driving radius began to shrink as my energy, concentration and focus declined. I said goodbye to friends in Framingham, then Arlington... let go of grocery shopping, knitting classes and mom's nights out. Finally I let go of acupuncture and driving the children to school.

I drove as long as I felt safe, pushed myself to every safe limit and even tho I was never afraid I had to admit my abilities had changed.

One year ago, I stopped driving.

I still climbed into the van about once a month and piloted it down the street to the pharmacy or the natural food store to keep my nerve but I returned home each time exhausted and worn.

My family and friends rallied around me, offering rides and company. Some people are homebodies. Some people have to be on the move ... I am the latter. Not being able to hop in my car and drive the kids to the playground or the library was killing me. There is no helpful public transport nearby and nothing we can walk to.

About a month ago something changed. I began to wonder if I could look at this in shades of gray as opposed to black and white. Maybe I could get back to driving just a little bit. Maybe there was something I could change that would make it just a little bit easier.

It. Was. The. Van.

Why the heck do we have a van? My husband's SUV is a decent size for us with plenty of cargo space. I bought the van thinking we'd give rides to the girls' friends in the extra seats. Except... if I can't drive, then I can't drive my own kids, let alone extra kids. It was GREAT to get my heavy-heavy infant and little kiddo into their rear facing seat and I could easily get their double stroller into it. Except... they are bigger kids now, sit forward facing, can climb into their own seat and don't ride in a stroller any more. It was fantastic for carrying my huge babycarrier stash to conferences and babywearing meetings. Except... I don't teach any more because it's too fatiguing.

Why the heck do we have a van?

Huh.

I was torn. Why trade in my van for something smaller, easier to manage when I haven't driven in a year? Should we really be car hunting right after having to replace my husbands car due to an accident? Can I handle the strain of another vehicle search and negotiation?

My husband said Try it. My mom and dad said Try it. I know all three of them said it with reservations ... I know they weren't convinced that a different car would make a difference. But what if it did? Tina and Lise said GO for it!

It had to be small enough that I could maneuver it without too much strain, a seat that was not to high nor too low, large enough to be safe and comfortably hold my family. Oy.

Research, comparisons, eyeballing cars in parking lots led to visiting car lots and then mini test drives (some cars I never even got out of the lot). Until today. Full serious test drive. For an accurate comparison, I drove Maddie to school first in the van. Still completely exhausting.

I know alot of people who get nervous driving a new vehicle ... try doing it out of practice. It was...

GOOD!

I'm not kidding myself. My body, my abilities are still the same. But if I can make driving just a LITTLE easier and be able to drive just a LITTLE bit, I know my family and I will be so much happier.

I know it seems bizarre that I didn't try this earlier but those who know me truly understand how hard I have tried to hang onto every possible shred of freedom these last fews years. And I did try other people's cars but never before realized all the components that impacted my abilities (tinted windows, low/high seats, large size etc).

So thanks, Paul, Lise, Tina, Mom and Dad ... its amazing how a person's life can open up because someone has faith in them and encourages them to try.

Girls Night Cheddar Dip

2010-09-02T18:29:00.001-04:00

I just put this dip together in about 10 minutes while waiting for my brother in law to pick me up. My sister is having her first Girls Night at her house and I was at a loss as to what to bring ... I didn't NEED to bring anything but I wanted to. You know.

Sadly I forgot until the last minute that I couldn't drive to the store so if the fridge didn't give something up, nothing was happening.

I remembered I have a teeny 2.5c crockpot - more like an electric dip warmer really - that I received as a gift ages ago. And of course I have have cheese. Alot. Of. Cheese.

Well then ... cheese dip it is. Apparently the results of this experiment were good as the kids are currently fighting over the spoons :|

Once again, this is all to taste... measurements are for sissies and bread bakers. Because lets face it ... if you don't measure when you bake bread you end up with lovely fragrant doorstop.

Girls Night Cheddar Dip

Cream cheese - do it right, use the real stuff here
Shredded sharp cheddar
half & half (or heavy cream ... or milk I suppose...or beer - see beer variation below)
dried chopped onions
hot pepper flakes (I used Aleppo Flakes by Penzy's ... simply b/c they were in the front of the fridge)
hot sauce (Cholula all the way, baby)

In a small sauce pan over med-low heat, stir the two cheeses together until they melt. Keep stirring until mostly melted. Add in seasonings, stir well. Add cream to desired consistancy. Keep stirring, tasting and adjusting spices til its juuuuuuuuuust right ;)

Voila.

I suppose you could eliminate the hot stuff but what fun is that?

*Beer Variation-
If you are going to use beer as your liquid, bring about 1/2c to a simmer and allow to heat for a few minutes THEN begin adding cheese and other ingredients. This takes the harsh alchoholy edge off the beer. Be sure to use beer you enjoy drinking as the flavor will come through.

ETA: This sucker needs to stay warm so either serve in a heated crock or a fondue pot.

Southwestern Inspired Pasta Salad

2010-08-27T15:33:00.000-04:00

I have picky eaters. Big ol honkin picky eaters. I keep trying tho and they liked this one. As usual, the quantities are subject to your preferences and my lack of belief in measuring thingamabobs.
Southwestern Inspired Pasta Salad
(made enough for lunch & dinner for a hearty eating mama and two light eating girlies)

1/2 box Barilla Pipette pasta (or any other hollow pasta)
1-2 can of black beans
1/2c -1c salsa of your choice (I use Trader Joe's Salsa Autentica b/c my girls hate chunks. Sigh. I love chunks...)
Cumin
Chili Powder (I use Penzys Chili Con Carne Seasoning - great flavor, no heat, since the salsa has heat)
Garlic Powder
Pinch of salt (I like flaked kosher or sea salt)\
1/2 to 2tbl honey
3 scallions chopped/diced (inc the green parts)
1-2c shredded cheese of your choice
*see below for add-ins

Put water on to boil for pasta and cook as directed. Prepare the rest while waiting for water to boil (yawn).

Strain black beans and rinse until water runs clear. Allow to drain.

In a medium sized bowl, whisk together remaining ingredients except cheese. Start with small amounts of each (especially honey) and add more until taste is as desired. Stir in beans to coat.

When pasta is cooked (we like it al dente), strain well and return to pasta pot. Pour beans and sauce over pasta and blend well. Taste - add more of whatever is needed (too dry ... add more salsa, etc).

Serve hot or chilled, topped with shredded cheese.

*Do you have less picky eaters? Add in some of the following...
- diced bell peppers, any color
- diced red onions
- diced tomatoes
- corn

Making Changes

2010-08-16T12:54:00.000-04:00

At some point every parent makes changes in their life for the sake of their kids. Some are dramatic - choosing to live far away from family so they can have a house, quitting smoking to set a good example - and others are less so. Regardless how small, parents often make changes for their children that they would never do for anyone else.

For the last five years I've worn a headscarf daily (and nightly) ...

except for special occasions (see folks ... I do have hair)...

I've worn it in the hospital giving birth, in the hospital for medical testing, on the plane to and from Oregon with my two insane little children, down the Cape on the beach, swimming in the pool. I even repeatedly crossed a thirteen foot long bed of hot coals as part of a meditation evening wearing one.

I really can't stand having my hair in my face but more importantly, I need a reason to smile whenever possible. The bright batik head scarves I wear were produced by a woman in Vermont and women in Bali under fair-trade conditions. I have about twenty colors ranging from soft tree bark brown to vibrant oranges and greens. When I pass by a mirror and see my reflection, my spirits are uplifted and I can't help but smile at the way this one makes my eyes pop or that one matches my favorite skirt. They help me keep going in a body that wants to quit.

People ask me why I wear them. Women, why do you wear a bra? Because you put it on once for function and it stuck? Because you like how it changes your appearance? For comfort? Because you are used to looking a certain way? There ya go. I also really like that I save something I consider one of my most beautiful features for special occasions, that its my choice, that its special.

Sigh. I love these stinking things. And now I am conciously taking a break from them.

My littlest girl (on my back above) has gorgeous honey colored curls. Annnnnnnnnnnd she hates them. She sobbed at her last haircut, disappointed that the stylist hadn't made her hair straight like her big sister's hair: "Mommy I yook TEWIBBOO. I yook AWFOO!!". Big fat tears aaaaaall over the place. We've made a concious effort to cut her hair in a feminine style and avoid the poodle cut (I grew up with that disaster, thank you). You name it, we did it. Nada.

The other night while I was out with my girlfriends (after the sangria but before the margaritas) I realized with a shock that *I* may be giving her the impression that I dislike my curls. I actually love them and tell her that but do I SHOW her that? No. I cover them up every day and night, except for special occasions. Crap.

So. For my curly girl I am making a concerted effort to NOT wear my headscarfs as much as possible. I hate it. I'm cranky. I'm self concious on the inside but confident and loving my curls on the outside. I miss my colorful spots of happiness but as all parents know, it's worth it. For her.

Melissa's Quick Mixed Berry Whatchamacallit

2010-07-06T22:32:00.001-04:00

I am no where near accomplished enough as a cook to tell a crumble from a cobbler or a pandowdy. This website helped... http://whatscookingamerica.net/History/CobblerHistory.htm but still. Meh.

I was at Trader Joe's today with two children and a cranky husband. It was better than being outdoors in unheard-of-for-New-England 100+ temperatures ... but only just. While the small monsters melted down in the frozen foods isle, I spied Trader Joe's Very Cherry Blend Frozen Berries. Swoon. I had visions of pies or lord knows what and grabbed two one-pound bags before the kids could see.

As the end of the day neared and the kids spun around me like rabid tornados (What? You can't visualize a tornado with rabies? Rookie.) I quietly dumped one bag into a strainer in the sink to thaw. Awwww. Look how sad it looks. DUMP ... here's your friend, Bag Number Two.

So. What to top it with? Hmmm.

Dare I? Dare I violate the heartfelt wish of my precious six year old? "Mummy ... please buy us cinnamon rolls for breakfast ... please!!!" Dare I pop open that luscious package of already prepared dough, pre-smeared with enough butter, cinnamon and sugar to make Julia Child raise her glass in saute to me from the other side?

You bet your sweet bippy.

So its 10pm (fireworks yesterday and a late amusment park trip on friday have essentially killed our sleep schedule). My three year old is trying to coerce the six year old to read to her. The six year old is trying to go to sleep in the bedroom, occasionally hollering out math questions ("MOOOOOM ... is 12+12 40?). And in the oven we have some nummy smelling concoction that *I* will eat before bed. And THEY will wait for until morning. Neener neener.

If you feel like replicating...

Melissa's Quick Mixed Berry Whatchamacallit (yeah baby)
2 lbs of mixed berrys - if frozen, thaw & strain
1 tube pop & bake cinnamon rolls
1/4-1/3 c dark brown sugar
1-2 tbl raw sugar
butter for greasing pan

Preheat oven to temp called for on roll pkg
Butter heavy pan - this would totally work in a casserole, thick walled pie pan or even a deep cast iron skillet (ooooh I should have used that!)

Pour berries into pan. Sprinkle brown sugar on top and mix gently. Remove cinnamon rolls from tube (POP!) and cut into 1 to 2 inch chunks using kitchen shears, dropping chunks onto the berry mixture as you snip. Sprinkle with raw sugar.

Insert into center of over, placing a baking sheet or jellyroll pan underneath to catch drips. If you use a favorite pan for this, scrub that bad boy off as soon as you can or those juicy lumps will become permanent. I keep a few "disposable" (not for me) aluminum pans around just for this.

Bake as recommended on roll package - may need to cook longer. Add on time in 3 or 5 minute increments. Juices should be really bubbly and rolls nicely brown but not tough.

NOTE:
Ok, this was yummy. BUT.
1) Berries need to thaw for waaaaaaaaay more than I let them thaw. They should be ALL thawed and cool to room temperature. Why?
2) Becaaaaaaaause if berries are still frozen, dough against the berries won't cook even if top is totally crispy. Would make sense to check on this bad boy - flip over a few nuggets and make sure they are not still gooey.
3) Aaaaaaaaaaand b/c frozen berries still contain alot of juice. Dude I strained off more than a CUP of juice.

However, the flavors meld perfectly ... I would totally try this again :)

Happiness is ... Brocolli?

2010-05-17T19:39:00.000-04:00

I have never been a broccoli fan. I don't HATE it, but give me a fridge full of other things and the broccoli will go bad if the husband and minimonsters don't eat it.

Hoooooooooooooooowever. Many weeks research on the ever-reliable Google and Wikipedia lead me to some interesting RELIABLE websites ... and a remotely-possible new diagnosis.

There are only two ways of confirming I have or don't have this genetic thingamabob: convincing my doc to give me a new med on a trial basis (AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH ... hope you didn't pee yourself on that one) or eliminating the possible triggers that affect people with this. The triggers are odd but fit my pattern to a T.

high carb meals
high sodium diet
alcohol
resting after exercise

So now here I am, mocker of the Atkins diet and all other extreme eating fads, having to learn how to eat low-carb, low sodium. And not kill anyone. A caveat ... I still think these and all other extreme diets are not ideal but this is medically necessary for this condition.

I found this helpful carbohydrate food pyramid. I really don't want to follow someone's diet. I want to learn for myself what helps my symptoms so this visual is just what I needed. This low-carb veggie list is also a great self-check.

So here is my fast, easy way to make broccoli yummy.

Spicy Seared Broccoli

Rinsed Chopped Fresh Brocolli :D Duh.
Garlic Chili Sauce
olive oil or spray
granulated garlic
tamari or soy sauce
Kosher or sea salt
Sesame seeds (optional)
Skillet with lid

Heat a skillet (I prefer my cast iron) on high until it is super hot. Spray with oil or wipe with an oiled paper towel. Toss 1/2tsp chili sauce into the hot oil and stir quickly. Toss in brocolli and stir well. Spray again with oil or drizzle, then sprinkle as desired with salt, garlic and sesame seeds. Toss quickly until edges or broccoli are seared. Pour about a tbl of soy sauce into LID OF PAN, along with about 2-3tbl of water. Flip lid over on skillet. Pick up skillet, holding lid in place and shake skillet to mix soy sauce around. Put back on heat for 3-5m. Check to see if broccoli is steamed as you like it. If not, add more water to pan and recover. Repeat as needed. We like ours only very lightly steamed. When steamed as you like it, remove lid and allow to cook 1-2m more over high heat.

Yum :)

Can be modified many different ways with different flavorings but avoid any marinades that make burn off to a nasty flavor over high heat (ie if you want orange, eliminate the chili sauce and replace the soy sauce with OJ and orange zest). If you really want a hint of sweetness or to use a sugar based marinade, add it during the very last 1-2m of cooking.

Enjoy!
Melissa

Gooooooooood Mornin Chocolate Bread!

2010-04-30T09:24:00.000-04:00

So yesterday after four hours of sleep I awoke to, "Honey, Audrey's sick and I'm calling her in to school."

Wha? I blearily asked for clarification and was told she "has a sore throat and a fever of 100".

Ahhh crap. For the first time in weeks I was ACTUALLY going to have 2.5 hrs to myself while the big monster was at kindergarden (dropped off by Dad, returned by bus) and the little monster was at preschool (dropped off by Gramma, picked up by Grammy). I note all the driving b/c I can no longer drive anymore due to health issues. Add that to our teeny tiny condo and I was really really craving 2 hours ALONE.

So. The Big Guy zips out of the house to head to his day-long class before I was even fully coherant and what do I find when I stumble into the livingroom? My eldest monster in footie fleece jammies, wrapped in a thick blanket, in an over heated 70 degree condo. I check her temp and it's 99.2. Ya think it has anything to do with being completely insulated? Really?

Normally I would just send the poached non-sick kiddo off to school anyway but, oops, I CAN'T DRIVE.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Goodbye nap. Goodbye catching up on sleep. Hello getting through the day without spontaneous combustion.

Somewhere around noon, I decided I needed to bake bread. I asked Audrey what her favorite kind of bread and true to Mendelian genetics the child immediately responded, "Chocolate". Mind you, I have never made, nor has she ever HAD, chocolate bread.

Sounds good to me. We winged it., basing it on a halved version of the Master Boule recipe in Artisan Breads in 5 Minutes a Day.

These measurements are rough estimates and make one mondo loaf or two smallish loaves - adjust baking time as needed.

Holy Moley Chocolate Bread

1.5 cups lukewarm water

2tsp granulated yeast
1tsp kosher or other coarse salt
1/8c dark brown sugar
1 slosh real vanilla extract - interpret as you see fit
3 cups unsifted, unbleached, all-purpose white flour, measured with the scoop-and-sweep method
3 tbl cocoa powder
2 tbl instant espresso powder (don't have it? see adaptation below)
1/8c raw or granulated sugar
1/8c honey
1/2c chocolate chips or chunks (I like chunks better)
butter for loaf pan

Stir water, yeast, salt, brown sugar & vanilla together in a 5 qt bowl. Stir in flour till mixed - don't knead. If its not wet and gloppy, add more water in 1/8c measurements until you have a wet, sticky dough. remove half the dough and put in a 2nd large bowl. Lightly cover one bowl and set in a warm place to rest.

To other bowl, add cocoa powder, espresso powder, sugar & honey. Blend in gently - it won't be perfect. Add more water if not wet. Cover & set in warm place to rest.

Allow both doughs to rest 2.5-3 hrs. For ease of use I recommend chilling doughs at this point, otherwise dough is EXTREMELY hard to manage... but I didn't.

Butter a large (or two medium) loaf pan very well. I use the Pampered Chef stoneware loaf pan and I love it. Dump white dough out onto a well floured surface and pat into a flat rough rectangle. Dump chocolate dough on top and spread it out a bit. Sprinkle chocolate chips on top of chocolate dough (yeaaaaah baby). Roughly roll up dough forming a big lumpy sloppy log. Tucking ends under a bit, plop into pan. Cover with cloth and allow to rest 90 minutes.

Preheat oven to 350F for 5 minutes, 30 minutes if you keep a baking stone in your oven for heat distribution (I don't).

If baking the whole recipe, bake 40-50 minutes. Allow to cool COMPLETELY before slicing - it keeps the bread moist but not gloopy.

The I-Don't-Have-Instant-Espresso-Powder Varition A
(requires coffee)
~ Mix up initial white dough as recommended above, but only add 1/2c of water (dough will be dry and crumbly). Split into two bowls. Add another 1/4c-1/2c water to white dough in 1/c increments until dough is wet and sticky. Add similar amounts of brewed coffee or espresso to chocolate dough. Continue as in main recipe.

The I-Don't-Have-Instant-Espresso-Powder Varition B
~ Um. Just leave it out. :D

By popular demand ... Namaste Zuma Review

2010-04-01T22:00:00.001-04:00

After I posted the review of the Namaste Laguna yesterday I had a few friends asking me to post one of the Namaste Zuma as well. I love both these bags, so I'm happy to!

I tend to like to carry as little weight as possible when I go out. As some of you know, I'm disabled and walk with a cane. Since I get tired easily, my life is an exercise in streamlining. When I go out to dinner with friends, all I carry is my JuJuBe BeMine, seen below, but in general I reach for my Zuma.

So here it is, in all its olive glory. And honestly, it is a GORGEOUS olive - buttery, rich and deep. Once again I am photographing it nestled cozily on my precious microplush Snuggy, next to an 8"x11" pad of paper for scale. True to form, I crammed it as full as I comfortably could ...

...with: a hardcover library book, a pack of wipes, my knitting, two boxes of raisins, an energy bar, two juice boxes, a bottle of spray handcleaner, a stack of tissues, my knitting patterns, my blackberry, my JuJuBe BeMine wallet, my eggplant Namaste Mini Cozy (holding scissors, pencil, pen & crochet hook), two pull-ups and a bottle of water.

That said, I could fit more. The front zipper pocket (where I slip my blackberry) has this interesting small accordion section. Would be good for dollar bills, business cards ... small light things. I could also fit more in the back zipper pocket - a PDA, wallet or small paperback might fit in there.

Here are the nuts and bolts on this bag. Namaste uses animal-friendly faux leather which feels more supple and spendy than most real leather bags. The color in real life is closest to the final photo. This bag is a handbag - no shoulder strap. I think it would be too much on this bag, so good call, Namaste. The handles are strong and sturdy, with a great hand-fell - not too hard.

The top is extremely well designed, opening up the full body of the bag - about a foot squared. It allows you to really use every inch of the large interior. Like other Namaste bags, it is designed with knitters in mind, keeping zippers to a minimum. It closes with THREE (that's right THREE) sets of magnetic closures. They securely, attractively close the top - nothing is falling out of this baby. As I mentioned above, there is a front upside-down-U shaped zipper pocket that has a PDA-sized front section and a unique small accordion pocket with a few sections. There is also a rear small to medium sized zipper pocket, almost hand's length deep and a hand's length wide. Interestingly enough, this pocket is the same size on both the Zuma and the Laguna. The base of the bag has the same super cute metal feet to keep your bag off the floor.

Moving inside, the bag is in some ways very similar to the Laguna. There are three internal pockets and they are all exactly like the Laguna in placement and size. On one side you'll find two side-by-side slide in pockets. One is large enough for a small to medium sized cell phone, the other for a PDA or wallet. The third pocket is a small to medium sized zipper pocket.

So. A friend asked me which bag would be better for her 9x6-ish inch Kindle. Well, the hardcover books in both bags are larger than the Kindle and fit in comfortable. If you want your Kindle to be in a separate zippered pocket, it would have to be in the Laguna, as none of the Zuma pockets are large enough. Another alternative (which I would LOVE a chance to fondle in real life) is the new this season Namaste Monroe. The Monroe is a true shoulder bag with THREE (swoon... thunk) truly separate compartments. A final option would be to snag a set of Namaste Oh Snaps!, slip your Kindle into one of those and slide the Kindle-filled Oh Snap! into your Zuma or bag of choice.

I hope that helps a little, ladies ... and I hope you are happy. Now I'm lusting for a Monroe to top off my collection ; )

Just wanted to add ... I've received no compensation for this review and all the comments/opinions posted here are exclusively my own! Thanks for reading.

So cool I had to review it ... Namaste Laguna tote

2010-03-31T18:17:00.001-04:00

I haven't reviewed anything yet in this quiet little blog, but today a product just screamed, "REVIEW ME!". I took some of pictures of it nestled cozily on my Christmas gift from my kids, a stunning microplush Snuggy. I included pics of it, fully packed, next to an 8.5"x11" pad of paper to provide scale. Because why on earth would I be able to find a ruler?

Quick note: this is a review of the Namaste Laguna, purchased at Butterfly Yarns in Wakefield, MA via preorder.

As the northeast was pummeled by Storm of the Decade #2, I packed up the girls and headed to our favorite indoor play spot, The Klubhouse in Woburn, MA. Since my husband was dropping us off and leaving with the car, I needed to pack enough for the day. I grabbed my "bigger bag" - my Namaste Laguna tote that was already packed with my regular going-out-for-afternoon supplies...

...

which are: my knitting, my JuJuBe BeMine wallet, my purple Namaste Mini Cozy (holding scissors, pencil, pen & crochet hook), an energy bar, a hardcover library book, my blackberry, spray hand cleaner, wipes, 2 pullups, a stack of tissues, 2 juice boxes and my knitting patterns.

BUT! My husband was leaving with the car and I was going to be there quite a while ... so I loaded it up some more ...

by adding to the contents I already listed:

my laptop & charger cord, a can of pepsi, a box of raisins, a purple paper hat, a bag of Sour Patch Kids jelly beans (MINE!), a small teddy bear, a bottle of water and a beribboned headband.

Maddie helped me pack :| And now it was reeeeeeally heavy. But IT ALL FIT!

Basically.

The laptop was about an inch too tall to slide into the laptop comfortably, and about an inch too wide to lay it lengthwise. It was ok for cramming for the day but I wouldn't attempt it on a plane or for similar travel. That said, a smaller laptop like the MacBook Pro would fit in there perfectly.

So here are the down and dirty stats on this bag. Namaste uses animal-friendly faux leather which feels more supple and spendy than most real leather bags. The color in real life is closest to the fourth photo - it's a rich tomato paste red. This bag has nice sturdy handles and a lovely adjustable shoulder strap that clips on with sturdy yet attractive metal clips. On the outside of the bag you'll find two decorative buckles and front and rear exterior pockets. The front pocket has a flap closure with two strong magnet sets. Digressing a minute here...

My very very favorite features of the Namaste bags are their magnet sets. They are strong, large closures, well hidden in the design of the bag. Honestly ... if I could invent the perfect bag closure system of my own personal nirvana, it would be the Namaste magnets. Swoon ... thunk.

And we're back.

Anywho, the rear pocket is small to medium sized (about a hand length deep, and a hand-and-a-half wide) with a zipper closer. The top of the bag is engineered to open as wide as the bag - it's unbelievable. Two strong magnet sets at the top (swoon ... thunk) hold it closed. On the base of the bag, five cute little metal feet keep your bag off the ground.

Inside the bag, zippers are kept to the minimum for the folks who use Namaste bags as knitting totes. The zipper-topped center divider pocket is perfect for small things I don't want falling to the bottom of the bag. This pocket runs about halfway up the bag, which concerned me at first - I had been expecting a full-on divided bag. I've found that the partial divider actually gives me more flexibility as I can pack stuff I want kept separate for quick grabs at the bottom divided sections and then pile more stuff on top. Incredible. The bag also has three more pockets inside. On one side you'll find two side-by-side slide in pockets. One is large enough for a small to medium sized cell phone, the other for a PDA or wallet. The third pocket is a small to medium sized zipper pocket.

The nice thing about this bag is that if you don't fill it up as full, the top flops right over and the bag looks smaller - which I love.

So that's the scoop on the Namaste Laguna. I also own the Namaste Zuma bag which is fun for when I can pack less :)

Just wanted to add ... I've received no compensation for this review and all the comments/opinions posted here are exclusively my own! Thanks for reading.

Cheesy Bread Sticks - my way

2010-03-01T12:01:00.000-05:00

This recipe is a combination of a few recipes in Healthy Breads in Five Minutes a Day. It makes more dough than you need for one batch of breadsticks but you can refridgerate it for up to five days. If you are using from fridge, keep an eye out for discoloration (mold growth). Considering how fast this dough goes off, this recipe produces 2lbs of dough rather than the usual 4lbs found in this book.

You'll see substitution suggestions after the recipe for many ingredients.

1 1/2c warm (NOT HOT) water
2 tsp yeast
1 1/2 tsp sea salt
1 1/2 tsp sugar
3 1/4c all purpose flour
1/2c shredded cheese + additional cheese for sprinkling
sea or kosher salt for sprinkling
olive oil for brushing

Stir first 4 ingredients together in a 5 qt bowl. Add in flour & cheese (easiest if you blend those two together first). Don't knead, just mix until all flour is mixed in. Your dough should be moist and gloopy ... if its dry, add more fluids in 1/4c amts.

Allow to rest, lightly covered, for 2.5 hrs. Can use after this rest or refridgerate for later use.

Preheat oven to 425F
Sprinkle dough with flour, cut off a chunk around the size of an orange. Gently form in into a smooth ball by pulling the sides underneath (takes under a minute).
On a lightly floured surface, roll out dough to desired thinness (btwn 1/4 & 1/8th inch is what I did), sprinkling sparingly w/flour as needed to prevent sticking. Brush with oil and sprinkle liberally with cheese and lightly with salt.

Using a pizza cutter, slide into thin strips (again, 1/8th-1/4 of an inch wide).

Line a cookie sheet with a silicone baking sheet or parchment paper. Lay breadsticks out on cookie sheet. Bake for 10-15m until lightly golden brown. After 10m, keep a close eye on them to make sure they don't scorch.

Some substitutions/additions...
For gluten free- use your favorite GF yeast dough recipe or try this one from Artisan Breads in Five Minutes a Day

Cheese- use ANY kind of medium firmness to hard flavorful cheese -- parmagian, sharp cheddar, swiss, blue all taste great

Seasonings/toppings- consider adding garlic powder, onion powder, parsley based on your cheese choice. Add to dough when adding in flour. Also can sprinkle with sesame seeds or similar.

Flours- feel free to mix in varying types of flour; I like using a few tablespoons of whole wheat flour, wheat germ, flax seed and vital wheat gluten

Fluids- I love adding beer in this recipe, subsitute about half of the water with beer. I find lagers and light beers provide a mellower flavor.

For more texture- twist dough as you put them on the cookie sheet

Couch Mix ~ Trail mix a la Melissa

2010-02-24T18:46:00.000-05:00

I'm allergic to tree nuts but looooooove trail mix. This is a variation on my Aunt Jane's GORP mix (Good Ol Raisins & Peanuts) and I keep it for times that life just sucks. Or any other time that I just need a mommy-treat.

I mix...
Salted Peanuts
Raisins
M&Ms
Peanut butter filled pretzels

Mix em up in an air tight container and then hide it from the children :D

Other yummy mix ins are dried cherries, reese's pieces, white chocolate chips, chex cereal ... have fun with it! But the key is to have chocolate-sweet, fruity-sweet and salty all in one place :)

I'm going to go gently gorge on this while I recover from today's attempted root-canal.

Five Minutes of Insanity

2010-02-19T09:45:00.000-05:00

Five Minutes of Insanity

The cast of characters-
Audrey, age 5 1/2 going on 16
Maddie, age 3
Me, the zookeeper here

Audrey: Mom where are my baby-shower-shoes?
Me: Hon, those don't fit you anymore.
Audrey: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?? Moooooooooo-oooooooooom...
Me: Audrey we bought those for you to wear to Auntie's baby shower TWO YEARS AGO.

**pause**

Audrey: Mom, for my birthday I want another pair of baby-shower-shoes, pink ones. But if they don't have pink, you can get me red or purple. And if they don't have red or purple you can get me pink.
Me: Hon, we'll talk about your birthday in June.

**pause**

Audrey: Hey mom where is the pink dress I wore peach picking, the one with the flowers? I wore it with my baby-shower shoes...
Me: 1) it is packed away because its a summer dress, 2) it DOESN'T FIT YOU BECAUSE YOU WORE IT TWO YEARS AGO.
Audrey: MOM!! MOM!! You need to PROMISE you'll get me another one of those dresses!!!
Me: No, hon, I won't promise you that. I do make sure you have lots of lovely clothes, but I can't promise you I will get you another of those dresses.
Audrey: Mooooooooooo-oooooooooooooooom ... OVERALLS AREN'T LOVELY!!

**pause while I breathe**

Me: Audrey, do you remember EVER seeing overalls in your drawer? You haven't had a pair of overalls in over three years.

**and from the peanut gallery...**

Maddie: Mummy? I want overalls for my birthday. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE? I DON"T HAVE ANY!!!
Me: Maddie, we can talk about your birthday in November.

**pause**

Maddie: ... um Mummy? What ARE overalls?

**and becuase it was too quiet..**

Audrey: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooom ... there are no pretty dresses to wear today!! I want a short sleeved summer dress - all these dresses have long sleeves...
Me: (deep breath) Audrey it is below freezing outside.
Audrey: I *knooooooow* mom, I'll wear a long sleeve shirt over it.

:|

And it is only 9:38.

In the eyes of a stranger

2010-01-29T17:56:00.000-05:00

Who do you think you are?

Really?

For alot of reasons, I used to believe I wasn't *really* sick or disabled. Part of it was denial (a step in the coping process), another part was being told it was all in my head (maybe they are right?). Maybe I really WAS lazy. Maybe I wanted attention.

For many years I really believed all that. So what happens when things get worse? Things DID get worse. I got cancer. I lost pregnancies, needed many surgeries, lost my ability to work and drive. When that happens, one begins to think, well, now I must deserve all this. Maybe I asked for it.

So underneath it all I must not have much worth.

People who know me will be quick to deny that statement but look inside yourself. Isn't there *something* you believe about yourself that those who love you would argue?

I've worked hard over the last year to let go of much of these self-lies. It ain't easy, babe. But yesterday something happened that pushed me forward one more step, helped me walk away from one more lie.

I had the chance to comfort an injured stranger who had fallen off the sidewalk, onto our extremely busy street at dusk. She'd had a seizure and was terrified by the strange faces around her. I was able to connect with her and keep her calm until she was lifted into the ambulance.

Emergency services seemed to know her from prior falls, though she didn't recognize them. I had to wonder who she was. Was she diabetic, epileptic? A drug user, an alzheimers patient? I'll never know. Could I end up like her someday?

Kneeling with her as cars slowly splashed by and flakes of snow fell on us, I saw something in her eyes that I will never forget: she felt safe with me.

If a scared, hurt, confused stranger can find comfort in me, there must be some good in me. I don't mean that in a, "See what I did! I'm a good person!" kind of way. I mean that she helped me let go of the cold, dark, very real nugget of "I must be so flawed that I deserve this pain" in my soul. The small-child part of me just let it go and picked up an image to tuck away in its place: the relief in a stranger's eyes.

Mom is Great...

2010-01-25T20:36:00.003-05:00

If you haven't seen Bill Cosby's chocolate-cake-for-breakfast bit, you HAVE to take a moment and check it out now. Go ahead, I'll wait.

See? Anywho, THIS is my theme song. I'm not the hip mom, the soccer mom, the super-earth-crunchy mom or the every-kids-best-friend mom. I'm a loving, as understanding as I can be, mostly patient, extremely tired and in severe pain disabled mom. And I can be a tough mom, because when mom has limits, kids responsibilites take on a new meaning. I try to remind myself constantly that a responsible child (good) is a different thing than a parentified child (not good). I also need to find ways to find joy in a hard day. Sometimes the only solution is baking. It generally happens when I don't even have enough energy to read a book or knit - then my poor husband turns around and sees me whipping up frosting.

So. To remind my kids that life is fun, to remind myself that *I* am fun, I bake chocolate cake. Baking cakes from scratch seems intimidating but it only requires two things: a great recipe and a stocked pantry. I'm not a person who always has food in the house. Milk? Oops. But as long as I keep some form of sugar, salt, baking soda, baking powder and flour in the house, I am content. Don't have a perishable ingredient (eggs, butter, milk)? Try to find a substitution on the web. It actually takes me the same amount of time to bake this cake as a box mix - and if you know me, you know I get exausted fast.

Here is my favorite recipe. I halve the recipe belowand bake it in a cast iron skillet (I don't know why - it just feels so cozy!) and it makes enoug to cut about 8 pieces from. Or, one for each of them and the rest for me.

HERSHEY'S "PERFECTLY CHOCOLATE" Chocolate Cake
2c sugar
1 3/4 c flour
3/4 cocoa
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
2 eggs
1 c milk
1/2 c oil
2 tsp vanilla
1 cup boiling water (measure after boiling)

Heat oven to 350°F. Grease and flour two 9-inch round baking pans.

Stir together sugar, flour, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda and salt in large bowl. Add eggs, milk, oil and vanilla; beat on medium speed of mixer 2 minutes. Stir in boiling water (batter will be thin). Pour batter into prepared pans.

Bake 30 to 35 minutes or until wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 10 minutes; remove from pans to wire racks. Cool completely. For more size/quantity variations, check out the link above.

I like to frost it differently each time - remember to halve the amount if you've haved the cake. So far I've done these two ...

Hershey's "PERFECTLY CHOCOLATE" CHOCOLATE FROSTING (same link as the cake)
1 stick butter
2/3 cup Cocoa
3 cups powdered sugar
1/3 cup milk
1 teaspoon vanilla

Melt butter. Stir in cocoa. Alternately add powdered sugar and milk, beating to spreading consistency. Add small amount additional milk, if needed. Stir in vanilla. About 2 cups frosting.

Caramel Frosting by Paula Dean, Foodnetwork
1 stick butter
1 c heavy cream (can substitute half & half or milk if its what you have on hand)
1 tbl vanilla
1 box confectioners sugar

Melt butter in small saucepan. Add brown sugar and 1/3 cup cream. Cook over medium-low heat until the sugar is dissolved, about 2 minutes. Remove from heat and add vanilla. Transfer to a large bowl.

Using a handheld electric mixer, beat in confectioners' sugar a little at a time until smooth. If frosting is too thick, add 1 tablespoon heavy cream at a time until consistency is right.

Maria Carreiro's Massa Cevada (Portuguese Sweet Bread)

2009-12-23T19:20:00.001-05:00

This is my modified recipe. I have left the ingredients as intact as possible but have modified the technique slightly. The bottom image is my three year old daughter, Madeline, enjoying her first taste of her great-great-grandmother's bread.

Maria Carreiro's Massa Cevada (Portuguese Sweet Bread)
makes 6 very small (grapefruit sized) or 4 small loaves

6 1/2c unbleached white flour
1 1/2c sugar
6 eggs beaten
1 tbl yeast
1/4lb + 2tbl unsalted butter (original recipe had tbl lard instead of butter)
1 c warm milk
1/4 c warm water
1 tsp sea or kosher salt
Additional milk for brushing top of loaf

In a very large mixing bowl (at least 5.5 qts), mix flour, salt & yeast.

In a small saucepan, gently warm milk and water to about room temperature. IMPORTANT! While cold liquids can slow the rising process, HOT liquids can kill off your yeast. Err on the side of caution and be sure your liquids are warm, not hot. Add sugar & beaten eggs to saucepan. Wisk until blended.

Pour milk mixture to flour mixture and take a moment to put the butter into that same small sauce pan and set it over lowest heat. It will melt within a few minutes without getting to hot (remember ... HOT = BAD).

Mix milk & flour mixtures together (just until uniformly blended - you are NOT kneading it) while butter melts. While you can use a stand mixer to blend the milk mix dough, I find using a wooden spoon and then my hands gives me a more thorough blending without toughening the dough.

Add butter to dough and gently incorperate it. This works best with your hands, if you can stand the feel of the butter. It takes a while to incorporate all that butter but be patient and work the dough gently.

Allow to rest in a draft-free location for at least 2.5 hrs. Don't worry about doubling, etc - just time it.

Cover lightly (do NOT make an airtight seal) and refridgerate until chilled. This dough is best worked after chilling.

AT BAKING TIME:
Butter pan or pans well. You can easily bake a few loaves at ones or cut off a chunk of dough, returning the rest to be refridgerated for up to five days. The traditional shape for this bread is round but I baked these by rounding the dough and setting it in an oval baking ceramic dish. Glass or non-stick would work fine, as would a square or rectangle. I don't recommend a baking stone, but hey, whatever float's your boat...

Sprinkle surface of dough in rising container liberally with flour.

Using a serrated knife, kitchen shears (my preference) or a dough scraper to cut out the chunk(s) of dough you will be baking today. Sprinkle chunk of dough with more flour and gentle pull edges out and tuck under, creating a ball. This should take UNDER a minute. That's it.

Set in baking pan, pat top of dough to gently flatten it slightly and allow to rest in a draft free area for at least 1hr 40m or until dough is not cool to the touch.

Preheat oven to 350 for at least five minutes.

Liberally brush dough with milk or cream and place on center rack in oven (can bake multiple loaves at once, just don't crowd the oven).

Baste at least 3x with more milk or cream while baking to create a sweet rich upper crust.

Bake 35-45 minutes for very small loaves, 40-50min for medium or larger loaves. Please know that this time is just a guideline ... this part takes practice. It is challenging to know when bread is truly done - I use time as a guideline and base done-ness more on color of crust (should be uniformly very deep golden brown). With wet dough, under-baking will create a gummy center. If this occurs, bake longer next time.

Additional notes on the recipe amd from my cousin Michele...
~ Grammy doubled this recipe and made 12 small loaves
~ Option: after forming ball of dough but before resting period, wash an egg in cold water, press into dough on top of each loaf; put one or two strips of dough across the egg. Continue with rest of recipe.

The original recipe called for kneading the dough, letting it rise until doubled, rolling in flour and then baking as noted above. You can experiement with this method if you prefer, but I find the rest/chill/rest method allows for a really nice texture and is more forgiving.

If you've read this far, go you :) You may want to read the story behind my baking this bread...

The story behind my sweet bread adventure...

2009-12-23T18:25:00.002-05:00

Forgive me if this is not the most smooth account, but I wanted to record this before I forget it all!

I never met my great grandmother, Maria Carreiro. Many people don't but for me there is special meaning in that. You see, my mother's and father's parents had known each other socially for years. My mother spent many years hearing about Teddy and my father heard all about my mother. It was at my fatehr's grandmother's funeral in 1969, however, that they finally met at adults. My father recalls seeing a stunning woman with a black mantilla covering her long, thick black hair. He decided he needed to persue her ... and did so that very night, stopping by her home to thank her parents for their condolences. They were married in 1970 :)

Maria Assumpcao Borges Carreiro (1894-1969) was married to Camillo Carreiro. I believe they were both from Sao Miguel in the Azore islands of Portugal. They went on to have three children, my grandmother Mary Carme, her sister Tillie and their brother Joseph.

My father and my cousins fondly remember Grammy Carreiro's Massa Cevada - it was a special treat only made a few times a year. Traditionally Massa Cevada is made at Easter with a whole egg in the shell baked in it. My mother grew up enjoying Grammy Carreiro's bread as well ... as friends of the family, they were treated to her wonderful baking. It really resonates for me that my family has been making this bread for (most likely) at least a hundred years!

At Thanksgiving my grandmother mused that I might be able to manage this recipe so I decided to attempt it for a Christmas Eve surpise. I contacted my cousin Michele and she kindly sent me what she had.

My great grandmother, like most, never used a recipe or measure out ingredients. Her method of teaching my grandmother and her daughter in-law (Michele's mother, Dot) was to bake with them watching, throwing in a bit of this and that ... and she also didn't speak english well. This recipe was written down on two very old index cards and I give Michele toooons of credit for copying it all over for me :)

My mom, grandmother and Aunt Dot all referred to this recipe as hard to make because it was a particularly sticky dough. Ironically I've spent the last three months learning how to bake with wet, sticky doughs. When I compared her recipe to the ones I have been using, I realized I could apply the same techniques to make this do-able. For someone unfamiliar with wet-dough baking, I can see how challenging this would be.

My biggest question regarding the accuracy of this recipe is the yeast measurements. They are the ONLY edits I have made to the ingredient list, as most bakers no longer use yeast cakes. One important thing to know is that my method of baking is very forgiving regarding yeast discrepancies, so precision isn't vital.

Here are some cool links I stumbled upon while researching the history of yeast ...
A Short History of Yeast
Food History Resources - this is a wild page, check it out!

To die for Cinnamon Bread - seriously

2009-12-14T11:30:00.000-05:00

I baked this on whim late last night and it smelled so amazing that I stayed up past midnight to have a slice. Its a variation of the Cinnamon Raisin Bread recipe from Artisan Breads in Five Minutes a Day.

For the dough I used the Master Boule Recipe from Artisan Breads in Five Minutes a Day substituting 1 cup of beer for water - totally not a vital part of this recipe, I did it for fun. I had made the dough a few days before but it can easily be made the same day. This recipe can easily be halved or doubled. You could also make this with a wheat blend dough, brioche, buttermilk or gluten free dough. Please note that while the master recipe makes 4lbs of duogh, some of the recipes in these books make slightly different amts.

Initial Dough Prep time - 10 minutes
Initial Dough Rest time - 2 hrs

Master Boule Recipe Dough
1/3 c raw sugar (can sub white or brown sugar as well)
1.5 tsp cinnamon (give or take)
1 egg lightly whisked with 1 tsp of water
butter
flour
More sugar & cinnamon for sprinkling

Butter your loaf pan (8 or 9inch)

Follow step 5 on the master recipe.
I used about 1 lb of dough (size of a grapefruit, 1/4 of a full batch of master dough) but it would be better with 1.5 lbs (size of a cantaloupe, 1/3 of a batch of master dough).

Roll out your ball of dough on a floured surface to about 1/4inch thick, 8"x12". It does not have to be perfect.
Brush dough with egg wash - right to the edges. Put rest of egg wash in the fridge for later. Cover dough liberally with sugar & cinnamon, leaving a 1" empty space on one of the short edges. Dot on little bits of butter about every 2-3" (optional). Begin rolling up dough starting with edge that does not have the empty space. Pinch ends (fold over if you want a very tight seal) and pinch along seam.

Set in loaf pan. Allow to rest in a warm location for 40m if using just-made dough, 1hr 40m if using refridgerated.
About 10m before baking:
Preheat oven to 375F. I did not use a baking stone in the oven or a pan with water for steam.
Brush top of dough with egg wash, sprinkle with sugar & cinnamon to taste.

Bake for 35-45min - this is a wet dough and you really can't dry it out but you CAN under bake it.
Remove from pan and allow to cool on a cooling rack.
Texture is best if cooled completely before cutting. Good luck with that :D

Variations (I haven't tested these but they sound nummy)...
Before rolling it up, sprinkle on top of the sugar & cinnamon;
Raisins
Chopped rehydrated dried cherries
diced fresh apple (I think a tart one like macintosh would be lovely)
chopped pecans
wild blueberries (if using frozen, thaw and drain well first)

I made it last night, it was ready at midnight and its already gone :O

Winter CSA Week 1: Fast & Easy Potatoes and Kale

2009-12-11T16:23:00.000-05:00

I've done a number of CSA's in the past and I shamefully admit that I am HORRIBLE at using it all up. My family and I are not big on veggies, so I finally stopped doing summer CSAs. Winter ones still suck me in though ... mmmm, potatoes, onions, rootie goodness :)

(Wondering what a CSA is?)

Today's challenge: Find a kale recipe (other than my portuguese kale soup) that makes me WANT to cook

I halved the amounts below and came up with four side-dish sized servings and served it with fresh-out-of-the-oven artisan white bread. I absolutely loved it, as did my husbnd and three year old. Five year old may never forgive my insistance that she try a tiny bite. Three out of four ain't bad though! See below recipe for notes.

Braised Kale & Red Potatoes from Cooking Light 11/05

6 cups coarsely chopped kale (about 1 pound)
3 cups cubed red potato (about 1 pound)
1 cup water
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon vegetable oil
1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper
3 garlic cloves, thinly sliced

Combine first 4 ingredients in a skillet; bring to a boil. Cover, reduce heat to medium, and cook 10 minutes. Uncover; cook over high heat until water evaporates. Spoon kale mixture into a bowl; set aside, and keep warm.

Heat oil in skillet over medium-low heat. Add pepper and garlic; saute 3 minutes. Spoon over vegetables; toss.
Notes: If you use fresh garlic, slice extremely fine and cook until well softened but not brown - if its thicker or raw in the middle it has an unpleasant bite with this dish. I used sea salt and added more after cooking. I also barely used any red pepper as my three year old doesn't like it.

I am so happy I found a kale recipe that was super easy AND absolutely yummy!

Slow-cooker Garlic Apple Chicken. Maybe.

2009-11-21T12:20:00.004-05:00

Well, this was completely winging it.

Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahha. Sorry. It's that kind of day. You know the days ... the ones where you actually have to wrestle the chicken into the crockpot as the kids come up and demonstrate their ability to make your eyeballs spin around in your skull.

Anywho, I have no idea if this is any good but I'll post when we eat it. Assuming the kids don't blow the place up first...

1 chicken : (yeah, no kidding)
1 head garlic, all cloves peeled & smashed (hint, do this the BEFORE you have a naked chicken balanced in a bowl that is too small, about to tip on the floor)
1-2 granny smith apples, chunked
Rosemary (fresh, powdered or finely crushed dried - I use powdered or fresh)
Sea salt
Ground pepper
Penseys Sunny Paris seasoning (if you want to approximate this blend it contains: shallots, chives, green peppercorns, dill, basil, tarragon, chervil & bay leaf - wing it, I think the biggest flavors are the first five)
Beer, margarita or frosty cold beverage of your choice.

Preheat crockpot on high while you are prepping chicken.
Season chicken inside and out well with, well, all the seasonings.
Slide garlic cloves under skin on breast. Slice some apple chunks into thinner pieces, sprinkle with rosemary & Sunny Paris. Slide under skin on breast.
Stuff cavity with garlic & apple chunks.
Dump in pot, cook on high until done - I just put it in for 6 hrs and call it a day.

Send kids to their room for the destruction of the living room, sit down and drink frosty beverage. Repeat as needed.

Precious words.

2009-11-16T21:05:00.002-05:00

It says, "I yuv you. Since I yuv you, I bake bwead. Bwead's done! The end."

Maddie, age 3, looking through my bread cookbook

Cozy morning cinnamon rolls

2009-11-16T08:52:00.005-05:00

A friend pointed me in the direction of this recipe for mini-cinnamon rolls. I adapted it to make larger ones...

NOTE: This recipe requires rolling out dough. For a person with fibromyalgia or similar issues, dough-rolling relegates this recipe into the "only on good days" category. I found it took far more exertion than I anticipated.

Cozy Morning Cinnamon Rolls
Roughly 1lb bread dough*
1/2c brown sugar
2 tbl butter
2 tbl cinnamon
addl butter or shortening to grease pan

* Can substitute prepackaged biscuit, pizza or croissant dough. Follow baking directions on package instead of times below.

Prepare pan by greasing bottom & sides. I use a 3in high cast iron skillet but a muffin tin or a round or square cake pan would also work.
Roll out dough in a roughly rectangular shape about 1/4 inch thick.
Sprinkle brown sugar & cinnamon from edge to edge, leaving a 1 inch margin on one long side of the rectangle.
Cut butter into small chunks and scatter across top.
Starting with the opposite long side from the topping-free margin begin snugly rolling the dough into a tube.
Pinch along edge to seal dough.
Using a sharp knife, cut into roughly 2 inch sections and set in pan with the spiral side visible on top. I like mine to touch so I always snug them in around the edge of the pan.
Allow to rise 45 minutes.
Preheat oven to 350F
bake 35-45 minutes.

Remove from pan immediately before caramel hardens.

Allow to cool until the filling won't blister your tongue (or cool all the way - your call) and enjoy. If you like a glaze on these, mix confectioners sugar with milk or cream until its just a bit thinner than cake batter. Put in a plastic bag and make a teeny snip in the corner of the bag so you can pipe on easily. Sorry I don't have proportions on the glaze but I'm out of confectioners sugar. I would start with 1/3c confectioners sugar and go from there.

Hi,my name is Melissa...

2009-11-16T08:18:00.003-05:00

... and I am addicted to Artisan Breads in 5 Minutes a Day.

I've been struggling for the last year with my decreasing level of functioning - that's no secret. Like many people I'm a time-filler. When I was home alone with my first daughter I tried a number of neat, stimulating work from home jobs to keep myself other-than-momming fulfilled. I never wanted a full-time job as I love being home with my kids, but I always seemed to poke around for little extra things to keep me challenged.

Well now I'm benched. I closed my business, can't continue working in my past fields and am applying for disability.

I've spent a lot of time feeling various things - glum, lost, even guilty. I come from a family of entrepreneurs on both sides, going back as far as we can identify. When I lost my ability to work, I needed to reframe my sense of worth. The biggest challenge for me is my loss of independence. It's humbling to suddenly need assistance doing all the things were proud of accomplishing independently.

One day a precious friend introduced me to the book I linked above. I don't think either of us expected what followed. I picked up the book and some yeast and mixed up a batch of dough. No kneading, no long periods of standing in the kitchen, no complicated recipes or rising times that challenge my fuzzy thinking and poor memory. And then there was bread. GOOD bread, not passable bread machine bread. AMAZING bread.

Many folks know the feeling of amazing satisfaction that comes from handing their family something warm and nourishing and watching them enjoy it. This baking method has given me back my independence, contentment and satisfaction in the kitchen, given me away to create without triggering a flare or using up my small reserves of energy.

I never thought I could find healing in a cookbook! My special thanks to Paul, who never grumbles about running out for yeast and flour ... I couldn't do it without him.

Simpling.

2009-10-27T23:18:00.002-04:00

In herbalism, the practice of simpling is a learning technique. The student chooses one herb and learns it in as many possible applications and forms as possible. The learning, using, exploring, continues until the student practically OWNS the herb. And then, only then, do they consider learning another. This approach also applies to remedies ... for one who practices simpling, a single-herb tisane may be the first line of treating a condition.

I forget to simple.

I studied herbalism at home for years before my daughter was born, learning by simpling. When I became pregnant I became concerned about herbal safety during pregnancy and was too overwhelmed to seek out a trained herbalist to guide me. Unwilling to let go of my experiences, I translated them into homeopathy ... many homeopathic remedies are derived from the same substances I was already using.

But then I became a mom. When you are a first time mom to a sobbing underweight colicky babe with reflux, food sensitivities, and sensory issues, you need to be super human to not be tempted to throw everything possible at the problem.

I really tried simpling with homeopathy with her but we couldn't find the right remedy. So we tried homeopathic blends. And herbal teas. And mainstream meds. And more mainstream meds. And elaborate elimination diets.

I understand where I got lost and honestly, I don't fault myself at all. She was close to failure-to-thrive and not sleeping for more than 30m stretches.

Then one day I fell asleep next to her ... and she slept 2 hrs. For over a week I slept on the hard living room floor next to her, afraid to bring her into my bed ... but when I finally did, she slept four hours.

It was simple. It wasn't white noise, a swing, Daddy swinging the car seat, driving in the car, music, nightlights, NO light ... it was the simple answer.

I keep forgetting about simpling.

Today I was making apple cranberry sauce in my crockpot. When I broke out my mother's recipe a little while ago I was all cocky about The Best Cranberry Apple Sauce ever. Except that it didn't taste like moms. Maybe b/c hers is cooked stovetop? Regardless, I started letting go of the recipe and just enjoying the ingredients.

Hmmm ... lemon juice. Why lemon? Carrot-orange juice with some orange peel might work.

Macintosh apples were too tart. Let's try some gala and honeycrisp in there to.

Maybe go lighter on the cranberries so I don't need as much sugar?

Needs more texture. Try leaving skin on? Too much ... try leaving skin on one third of the apples. Perfect!

I began to connect with something I had let go of. Anyone who reads this knows I wing most recipes but for some reason this reminded me of that dusty section of knowledge I had patiently gathered. Blackberry leaf, raspberry leaf, catnip, plantain, oatstraw, passionflower, calendula, marshmallow root, slippery elm, red clover, alfalfa, stevia, peppermint, rose hips, garlic, onions, honey, lavender, chamomile, eucalyptus, ginger, cumin, cayenne ... and of course, my precious lemon balm.

What else have I misplaced? What other comforting homespun ways have I put aside? And how can I continue to stay in touch with the comforting, grounding practice of simpling, in all things?

My version of gluten free shepard's pie - YMMV

2009-10-21T16:31:00.005-04:00

There are as many versions of shepard's pie as there are, well, tomato sauce. I'm not sure if my kids will like this but DH and I do so its a fun one to make once in a while. All seasoning/condiment measurements are to taste.

12-15 baby red bliss potatoes, quartered (I leave skin on)

2 tbl butter

Cream or milk

4 cloves garlic chopped, 3-4 cloves whole
1.5-2lbs ground beef
Emeril's essence seasoning blend or seasonings of your choice
1 onion chopped
1 small can or 1 cup GF tomato sauce
1/8-1/3c GF ketchup (optional)
1-2tbl soy sauce or tamari
Additional seasonings to taste - I use paprika, black pepper, onion powder, garlic powder & parsley
1 can vaccum packed corn or 1/2-1c frozen corn kernels
1/2-1c frozen baby peas
Shredded cheese, italian bread crumbs

Put water on to boil for potatoes. When boiling, add potatoes and WHOLE GARLIC CLOVES to water & cook 15-20m until pierced easily w/a fork. Drain & set aside.
Season ground beef, then brown over med high heat
Drain then add onions & chopped garlic. Stir well. Cook until onions are slightly softened.
Add tomato sauce, ketchup & soy sauce. Stir in additional seasonings. Allow to cook on med to med high heat until sauce is a bit reduced. Turn to low.
Preheat oven to 325.
Mash potatoes to your preference - I like them lumpy with butter, cream & a bit of garlic salt & parsely.
Mix corn and peas into meat.

Spoon meat mixture into a large deep dish pie pan or a large pyrex baking dish (you may need more potatoes to cover this). Top with potatoes, spreading to make a top 'crust'. Sprinkle liberally with shredded cheese - we used mild cheddar, sharp cheddar & mozzarella tonite b/c that was what I had. Sprinkle more parsley, onion powder, paprika and a small amt of crushed black pepper on top of cheese. Top with italian bread crumbs.

If you can't find GF breadcrumbs, just crush your favorite crackers finely in a blender and add parsley, basil, oregano, garlic powder & paprika.

Bake for 20m, serve warm :)

Swooooooon .... TDF chicken salad

2009-10-15T15:25:00.004-04:00

Sometime I'll post my usual recipe for chicken salad (I only make it every few months) but today I had to modify it. My usual recipe is fairly heavily seasoned and I was concerned with the rich flavors of last night's Lemon Garlic Chicken wouldn't work with it. As usual, my quantities are fairly vague - mix each in and taste as you go.

I always debone the entire chicken (except legs and wings) as soon as it is cook to the touch. Its exausting for me but if I don't do it ASAP I won't do it at all, and some of it ends up going to waste.

Lemon Garlic Chicken Salad
Left over deboned Lemon Garlic chicken
Mayo
Dijon mustard (I like Grey Poupon Country b/c it has some whole seeds)
Onion powder
Sea Salt
Fresh ground pepper

Depending on my mood I either chop the chicken into chunks or mash it tuna-sandwich-like.

If chopping into chunks, mix all dressing ingredients in a separate bowl or mug and and then gently stir into chicken. This chicken is so tender that too much stirring will destroy the chunks.

If mashing it, just add, stir, taste, repeat.

I like this on soft honey oatmeal or honey wheat bread with baby spinach and maybe some halved grape tomatoes. The Lemon Garlic chicken has such a great flavor that adding any strong flavors - fresh onion, celery, apple - just don't do it justice. Its a nice easy comfort food that still tastes grown up.

Lemon Garlic Chicken num num num

2009-10-14T10:31:00.005-04:00

There are three ways to cook this recipe - roasted in the oven, pot-roasted in a dutch oven and in a slowcooker.

Roasted in the oven will give you your traditional, firm, carvable chicken with crispy skin. Pot roasting gives you the opportunity to crisp the skin and create lovely golden flavor bits (fond) on the bottom of the pan. This gives the chicken a slightly more dynamic flavor. Slowcooking has the benefits of being able to leave the house but also (from my point of view) requires less standing time. It won't be your pretty Martha Stewart carvable bird but it will be fragrant, well flavored and moist :)

I can't tell ya what temperature or time to use on the roast or pot roasted recipes, but base your cooking of any standard roast chicken recipes.

Lemon Garlic Chicken
Whole chicken (thawed if from frozen)
2 lemons
1 head of garlic
2 -4 ribs of celery
rosemary, salt, pepper (and sage or ground sumac berries if you have)* note on spices/herbs below

Get your slowcooker preheating on the temp you desire. Place 1/3 of the lemon chunks and 1-2 ribs in bottom of slowcooker and replace lid while preparing rest of ingredients.

Cut one lemon into chunks, the other into thin slices. Peel ALL the cloves of garlic.
Salt & pepper the inside and out of the chicken well.

Inside the cavity:
If using fresh rosemary & sage, line the cavity of the chicken with rosemary. If using powdered or crushed rosemary & sage, sprinkle lightly in the cavity. If using sumac berries, sprinkle 2-3 pinches in the cavity.

Insert half the garlic cloves and 2/3 of the lemon chunks into the cavity of the chicken.
Insert 1-2 ribs of celery into the cavity. This is a great place to use celery greens or the tiny hearts of celery - the flavor is amazing in chicken.

Under the skin:
Slip your fingers between the skin on the breast and the breast meat, carefully separating it to create another cavity. You can also do this on the legs if you are so inclined.

If using fresh rosemary and sage slip under the skin first. If using powdered or crushed herbs & spices, sprinkle the lemon slices generously with rosemary and sage. If using sumac, sprinkle about 2 pinches of ground berries over ALL the lemon slices - too much sumac is very intense. Slip the lemon slices and remaining garlic cloves under the skin.

Place chicken in the slowcooker on top of the lemon chunks and celery ribs. Cook until done.

Variations:
You could also bake chicken breasts in these seasonings in the oven. I think it would be a lovely fast variation. I hesitate to suggest trying the breasts in the crockpot as I think the flavors would be too intense.

* Note on spices/herbs
I have very specific tastes when it comes to herbs & spices ... feel free to substitute with abandon unless I put in a specific note about why I use a particular type or brand.

Salt - I prefer to use sea salt in all my recipes - I like the taste, texture and lower sodium. Please note that it does not contain iodine like traditional table salt. Iodine was added to table salt to decrease the occurance of iodine deficiency which can cause thyroid problems.

Pepper - I use fresh ground. It's a completely different taste than traditional ground pepper.

Rosemary - I love using fresh but my cat eats all my herb plants and I don't use it often enough to justify purchasing it fresh. A nice alternative is powdered rosemary - I use Frontier, available at most natural food stores. I've always hated dried whole and crushed rosemary ... powdered has the wonderful flavor without the crunchy bits :

Sage - Fresh, whole dried or powdered ... all work equally well in this recipe. I do like the flexibility of the powdered. I couldn't find my sage today however :

Sumac Berries - Well dang this stuff is AMAZING. I use Penzy's Turkish Ground Sumac Berries. You only need a tiny pinch. The flavor is intense and can easily over power your dish but is an amazing compliment to chicken. Definitely a fun one to experiment with.

Goodies in the crockpots on a drizzly fall day...

2009-10-13T14:27:00.005-04:00

I ADORE drizzly fall days. They make me want to bake and cook and snuggle in my favorite couch corner. Sadly I have only 2 hrs to do that today so I decided to fill my crockpots. With a long morning and a wake in the evening, I need to be careful with my energy so I can get through the day.

Today was my co-op morning at Maddie's preschool. Considering that she has been having a very very difficult time separating, I went through crazy contortions to make sure she didn't know I was there. Until... I was taking two little girls to the bathroom and who do I hear coming through the door? To quote Miss Donna Maddie's teacher, "Oh NUTS". We did some fast talking - I expressed my excitement about Maddie's class making applesauce, we can make some at home tonight and GEE she should hurry up and wash hands so she doesn't miss out!

Sooooo... in crockpot #1 we have:

My version of Jane Baker's Apple Cranberry Sauce (GLUTEN Free)
6 med apples, peeled, cored & sliced
1c fresh rinsed cranberries (frozen ok)
1/2c brown sugar (she uses 2/3c white sugar, my mom uses 1/2c white sugar)
1 tbl lemon juice
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2c brown sugar

Cook until tender - can be done on stove or in crockpot. Excellent served warm or chilled.
(total standing in kitchen time, 15m - can be shorter if you do not have two year old help)

And in crockpot #2 we have

Honey Teriyaki Chicken Breasts
2 whole boneless chicken breasts or 4-6 cutlets
half a bottle of KC Masterpiece Honey Teryaki marinade (substitute GF teryaki sauce)
3 chopped scallions
1/2c beef or chicken broth
2 cloves garlic
1/2tsp of cumin seeds or 1/4tsp-1/2tsp cumin powder
2 shakes of powdered ginger

Cook until chicken is done (I have set it on low with plans to eat it in about 6hrs)

Would you rather experiment with homemade teriyaki sauces? They are simple to make. Play around with the following ingredients:
Tamari or soy sauce
fresh garlic
preferably fresh ginger but if all you have is powdered, go for it
cumin - go lightly or it will overpower the sauce
honey or dark brown sugar
scallions
white vinegar
lemon juice
crushed pinapple w/juice

Mix your marinade in a bowl or large measuring cup and add ingredients TO TASTE. If you just dump everything on the chicken you can't taste it.

And if you like a little zing, add a hint of cayenne pepper or chili sauce. Remember that in a crock pot spices get a bit concentrated so you are better off going low on those and adding more to the finished dish if needed.

I love knowing how to make teriyaki from scratch ... doing it for years has helped me figure out how to doctor store-bought marinades when I just can't stand or think long enough to do one from scratch.

Hoooo Baby Chocolate Chip Pie

2009-10-09T19:58:00.003-04:00

I have a friend on Facebook and The Babywearer who occasionally posts amaaaaaaazing recipe links. Generally I can find an excuse for not making them but this time... well just check out this recipe for Chocolate Chip Cookie Pie on Bakerella.com.

eta ... NOTE: This recipe DID NOT WORK FOR ME. PROCEDE AT YOUR OWN RISK!

DANG.

I tweak everything, so here is my version of it, based on what I had handy. I'm allergic to nuts so I did some fancy footwork to substitute for the pecans. I would also like try this with a Nilla wafer crust and crushed graham crackers subbing for the nuts.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Pie (original version on Bakerella.com, from Nestle Classic Recipes, 2003

1 unbaked 9-inch graham cracker pie shell
2 large eggs
1/4c all-purpose flour
1/8c whole wheat flour
1/8c Quaker rolled oats (not instant or quick cooking)
1/2c granulated sugar (I used turbinado sugar b/c its all I had)
1/2c packed brown sugar
3/4c (1 1/2 sticks) butter, softened
1c (6 ounces) semi-sweet chocolate morsels
1/2c crushed vanilla sandwich cookies
1/4c shredded coconut

Preheat oven to 325 F.
Beat eggs in large mixer bowl on high until foamy.
Beat in flours, oats, sugars. Beat in butter.
Stir in morsels, cookies and coconut. Spoon into pie shell.
Bake for 55-60 minutes. Cool on wire rack. Serve warm.

This took 10m standing time in the kitchen.

I haven't tasted it yet but I'll post when I have a review ;)

It's pudding, guys, I swear...

2009-10-08T19:29:00.004-04:00

My kids had a weird day and ended up eating at totally different times. Drives me crazy because someone is ALWAYS hungry in the middle of the night but its mainly due to their conflicting school schedules ... not much I can do about that.

Last night my older goober woke me up starving at 4am. I vaguely remember something about a box of wheat crackers and "Yeah sure, as much as you want". Not by best mothering moment.

Anywho I decided to give them something filling as a bedtime snack. And I lied and called it pudding :D Yeah baby.

Faux Grapenut Pudding (two small servings)

1/2c Grapenuts cereal
2/3c milk
1Tbp brown sugar (or a roughly equivalent amount of maple syrup, brown rice syrup etc)

Put all ingredients in a small saucepan. DO NOT WALK AWAY. Heat to a boil, stirring well. Stir/cook until milk is almost all aborbed and cereal is thick (only a few minutes). Let cool - this stuff is blisteringly hot.

Ta Da!

SOCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-10-08T18:52:00.004-04:00

WHEEEEEEEEE! I have finished my first knit sock! Considering I have never ever ever finished a long craft project, this is a big deal. I am extremely grateful to Amy and Jenn who recommended I cast on the 2nd sock at the same time as the first, so that I am not left alone with one orphan sock.

So here it is ... the very reason I learned to knit...

Are you on ravelry.com? You can see the pattern for this and other projects I've completed in my notebook.

Some things about this project. I used Crystal Palace Puffin yarn. It is fleece yarn - not remotely ideal for socks, but ideal for me for the initial time I try a project. Why? Because it doesn't split, is easy to see and easy to handle.

Some websites that I used in this particular project (other than the ravelry pattern):

How to weave in ends while knitting

Learn to slip-knit-psso

Toe grafting

Fast & Yummy Homemade Mac & Cheese

2009-10-08T14:30:00.002-04:00

My littlest girl differentiates between boxed mac & cheese (macawoni and theese) and homemade mac & cheese (pathta thee-thee-theese) and has definite preferences depending on the day. Today she asked for homemade mac & cheese and the result was so good that I had a bowl myself :)

Enough elbow mac for two servings (I used Ronzoni Smart Taste today - it has a great texture to me)
One sandwich size slice of sharp cheddar (or enough sliced cheddar to cover a slice of bread)
1/8-1/4c preshredded mild cheddar
1/8-1/4c preshredded mozzarella
1tsp-1tbl butter
1 tsp dijon mustard (I used Grey Poupon Harvest Dijon b/c I like whole mustard seeds)
Milk, cream or water as needed

Boil pasta as directed - I did 7m for firm pasta.
Drain well and return to the hot pot. Add cheese and butter and stir until well blended (will be stiff).
Add mustard and splashes of liquid (milk, cream or water) ... stir well. Continue to add more liquid until it reaches desired consistancy.

Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum. Its a good thing I didn't make more of this ... I totally would have eaten enough to regret it :D

Mmmmmm ... baked ziti!

2009-10-03T15:37:00.003-04:00

Baked zitis vary as much as pizzas do. I have a basic recipe that a play around with but the framework is always the same. This makes one large glass pan full. If you want more, don't overload the pan ... just make a 2nd pan or an extra smaller pan full.

1 lb penne
12 blocks of mozzarella (or 2-4c pre-shredded*)
3-5 cups tomato sauce

preshredded cheddar, mozzarella & parmagian - can also add in asagio, romano
your favorite italian seasonings - I use basil, parsely & black pepper

Cut the mozarella into 1inch cubes - smaller if you prefer. *Shredded mozarella is ok but doesn't bake the same.

Cook the penne for 2min less than instructed on package while preheating the oven to 375. Strain well and pour into pan.

Mix chopped mozarella into penne. Mix in 3-5 cups of sauce. 3 cups will produce a drier dish, more saucey. I actually prefer to use 4 but never remember to save or warm up extra sauce so I just use 5 cups initially. Stir well to coat all the pasta. Top with additional shredded cheese to create a layer of cheese on top. Sprinkle seasonings lightly over shredded cheese.

Bake 20min minimum ... until cheese is well melted and bubbly. If you like your cheese browned on top either cook longer at 375, turn up heat to 450 or (if you have an in-oven broiler) turn on broiler and watch closely.

How to fix acidic tomato sauce. And then ruin it. And then fix it again.

2009-10-02T17:19:00.003-04:00

I'm half italian so making a good tomato sauce (or at least, good to me and my husband) is just something you work at until you get it right. No one ever makes a sauce just like their mother, grandmother, sister or aunt ... and that's ok.

My sister in law taught me a terrific trick for fixing sauce when its just too acidic. You add 1-2 pinches of baking soda... it neutralizes the extra acid.

Here is a fun experiment next time you are making sauce. Get two mugs or bowls and add a cup of sauce to each. Then add a pinch of baking soda to one, a teaspoon full to the other. Mix well, let sit for 5m, stir again and then taste (comparing to your own sauce w/no baking soda). The one with a pinch is slightly less acidic.

The one with too much?

Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech.

Valuable lesson.

Without acid, you basically have warm herbed tomato juice. Horrific. Unless you have vodka and you like that kind of thing...

When attempting this on a real pot of sauce for repair purposes, add a pinch or two, stir well and THEN COOK MORE ... like another 20 minutes. Cooking reduces the acidity as well. If you over-neutralize initially then it's just going to get worse.

And that brings us to tonite.

I haven't been able to stand at the stove long enough to make sauce in almost a year, and frankly, I can't now. But fall means warm snuggly stews and pasta dishes for me. I just HAD to do it. I decided (aahahaha ... my first mistake) to make a big pot of my serious meat sauce and freeze alot. 2lbs of top of the round, 5 chicken sausages, an onion, 4 cloves of garlic, 3-28oz cans of tomatoes ... and all the seasonings etc.

Rule #1. When you haven't made a red sauce in a year MAKE A SMALL BATCH.

I was using Pastene tomatos which I keep buying b/c my mom and grandmother do but they are just too acidic for me. So ... I added a bit of baking soda. Still acidic. Added some more cooked a while. Still acidic. So I decided to add some more...

Rule #2. If a little voice says, Wow, I don't usually need THIS much X ... listen.

Rule #3. Never shake an ingredient from its container DIRECTLY into your pot. You're just asking for someone to be standing by waiting for a youtube moment.

Needless to say I was now faced with a GINORMOUS crockpot filled with ... warm tomato juice.

Heck.

I tried adding a wee bit of apple cider vinegar. Warm vinegary tomato juice.

I tried adding a small can of Hunts tomato sauce, kept on hand for chili emergencies. Slightly better but still scary.

I tried adding a can of petite diced tomatoes, also kept on hand for chili emergencies. Chunky warm vinegary tomato juice.

I tried adding a bit soysauce (Cooks Illustrated recommends adding just a little of this to meat sauces to enhance the meaty flavor - works great) and a bit of shredded parmagian. Its ok but not my sauce.

At this point I gave up. I knew the only salvation for this was to add another big honking 28 oz can of tomatos. Tooooooooooo the filled completely up to the lid crockpot. Sigh. So I decanted 4 cups worth of warm chunky vinegary tomato juice into another container and added another can of tomatoes ... which I should have done in the first place. Then I added proportional amounts of all my little add-ins and seasonings. Except the meat ... good grief that pot didn't need more meat. And...

Rule #4. STOP TOUCHING IT!

I walked away. 20 minutes later it is dang near perfect... except for that odd bite of something...

Which I am going to studiously ignore :)

Grown Up Salsa Chicken

2009-09-30T19:39:00.002-04:00

This is a goofy variation of the original salsa chicken recipe I posted here. We'll see how it goes...

4-5 pieces of chicken breast
one sm jar salsa (medium heat)
one can petite diced tomatoes
1-2t tbl dried diced onions
1-2 cups chicken stock
1/3+c cream (I ran out)
cumin & chili powder to your preference
1-2 tsp tamari or soy sauce
2/3c Frontier Fiesta Black Bean Mix
Optional garnishes; shredded cheddar, chopped scallions, finely diced red onion, fresh chopped cilantro

Preheat oven to 400F
Put chicken in large glass or similar baking dish
Mix all remaining ingredients in a small bowl, allow to sit 5-10m
Pour over chicken, making sure to get plenty UNDER and ON TOP of chicken

Bake 40 minutes, occasionally spooning salsa mixture over chicken to keep moist. If it gets to dry, remove from oven. Add more chicken stock and mix well into sauce, spooning over chicken. Repeat as needed.
Turn oven down to 350 and bake 20 more minutes.

Serve as is with a side dish or serve over rice. Also good sliced and served with tortillas.

Deconstruction of a Huff.

2009-09-24T01:02:00.004-04:00

Yes, its nearly one a.m. and here I am sitting on the couch in a huff. Not one of my most mature moves ever, but hey, at least I had a long nap today.

So what the heck happened? I'm going to try writing this out with specifics and then revising it to be more global, not about the minutae but about me.

I had a disagreement with someone and they ignored me rather than acknowledge what I was saying. Sigh.

So why did I get so upset? That's why I'm writing ... to try to figure out my end.

I know a few things really upset me.

~ We had an agreement they ignored it just hours later. This bothers me because I feel like they don't take commitments to me seriously.

I want to matter. I want to be taken seriously and see it in people's actions.

~ Its about a choice, a compromise. If they refuse to compromise to protect their physical comfort, I am caused pain and lose function.

Compromise is an action that shows my needs matter.

~ I feels like they just don't REMEMBER what triggers pain in me.

Remembering is an action that shows I matter.

~ They used silence to avoid showing me they were hearing me, they did not acknowledge my frustration.

Acknowledging that I am heard and understood shows I matter.

~They ignored attempts to discuss it and would not share their side.

Having a dialogue with me, even an angry one, until we reach a conclusion shows I matter.

~ I'm afraid we will end up estranged like we were before.

I am afraid of not being taken seriously. I am afraid of not mattering again.

I'm really hurt from experiencing a period where I didn't matter and not sure how to feel safe again.

Feeling like people take me seriously is something I have always struggled with.

Silver Lining.

2009-09-24T00:11:00.002-04:00

This past year has been unspeakably hard for many reasons. A special person asked me, can you see a positive to your illness?

I thought about it. And answered No.

That was unusual for me ... growing up I could always find the silver lining in my illnesses.

Today I had an appointment with a rheumatologist. After having a medical student take a detailed history from me and doing a cursory 30 second exam, she spent 15 minutes mocking me, emphasizing the need for me to 'pursue psychiatric care' and finally going as far to say that I didn't really NEED the cane. According to this woman who did not test my balance or leg strength, I 'felt the need for something comforting to hold onto'. I was using it as a proverbial crutch. No pun intended.

I held my composure and dignity until I reached the hallway ... and then I sobbed for a very long time.

I became angry and I looked at myself. Then I had a really big margarita and took a nap. And then I looked at myself some more.

I am not weak. I am not bringing this on myself. I am a brave strong woman who parented her children alone for months, despite being more disabled than ever. I stood by my husband while he walked through the darkest valleys of his soul. I consciously chose to work on my self issues to better support myself, my children and my husband without enabling. I reached out for professional, spiritual and social support whenever I needed it.

We are a healthy strong family unit because I chose to keep us strong and because my husband accepted my decisions and support.

I'm no longer angry or defiant at you, Doctor.

Doctor, I am grateful to you for showing me the silver lining. I sincerely hope you gently find the wholeness you need to see your patients with more compassion. No one with joy and peace in their hearts could look at a woman who is clearly holding back tears and continue to hurt her. I hope you find what you are missing. Thanks for the perspective.

The hard part. And extra credit.

2009-09-22T22:30:00.002-04:00

Assignment 1)
Make a list of the ways this physical condition is serving you.

(Gah. Can't I stall some more? Fuss with the spellchecker and formatting a bit?)

~ I enjoy being with my kids.
~ I am afraid of failing at "being a grownup" ... being ill gives me an excuse for not having to do certain things, for mistakes I make.
~ I'm used to things as they are, its comfortable ... I am afraid of failing if I am forced to try new things
~ I have a thirst to be different, to stand out in a crowd. I used to be that person because of my carriers. I don't know who I will be if I am healthy. Who will like me? What will be my buffer?
~ I have always had trouble concentrating on a job, succeeding at a job, finding my niche. I'm so tired and beaten down by years of feeling listless and mediocre in my jobs.
~ I have a childish craving (image: three year old sulking and stamping a foot) for playtime, me-time, indulgence ... I've tried to fill it by goofing off at work, shopping too much. When I'm sick I can goof off. But for some reason it doesn't fill the need. I don't feel better. I just feel empty.
~ When I'm sick I don't have to do deep self-work.
~ When I'm sick I have less home/family responsibilities.
~ When I'm sick I can insist we all stay home.
~ Maybe there ISN'T a niche for me - when I am sick I don't have to feel lost.
~ Maybe there is something inadequate, lacking, dependent in me - when I am sick I am protected from looking at that.
~ I feel like I am playing dressup as a grown up, like I don't really know what to do, how to do it. I'm afraid people notice if i'm not sick.

There may be more - it makes me sick and jittery to look at this. Part of me wonders if I am really SEEING all there is or just quickly glimpsing into that black pit and drawing a rough sketch of what I see because I am too weak to really climb down there and LOOK at it all.
~ When I am sick I have an excuse for being weak.

Now, for extra credit.
1b) WHY does revealing this disturb me so intensely?
~ I'm horribly afraid of not measuring up
~ I'm desperately, nauseatingly afraid of my friends and family thinking of me as "less", "lazy", "not trying hard enough", "immature", "unreliable", "needy", "selfcentered", "dependent"
~ I'm afraid healthy people will misunderstand this. I'm afraid people won't understand that these are normal, common feelings for someone in my kind of limbo.
~ I'm afraid they will think I am bringing this on myself, mind over matter, psychosomatically ... and that they won't understand that I desperately want to live to see my children grow up. I don't WANT to miss their lives. I don't WANT to have these tests come back with a scary prognosis.

If you have read this much, please know that you are looking into a little basement closet. We all have them ... most people just aren't brave enough to clean them out. I DO want to be healthy. I want to go to the zoo with my kids again. I want to chase them at the park and push them on the swings. I'm not a monster who wants to be ill because they gain from it.

But I am an honest person. And I admit that there is that small closet, full of bits of me that benefit from my being ill.

Self Discovery ... facing the ugly stuff.

2009-09-22T22:18:00.003-04:00

A very special person has given me some homework. Something many disabled or chronically ill people would never admit is that there is a tiny part of them that doesn't want to or is afraid to be healthy.

I know that sounds disgusting ... like its implying people who are happy to get that golden goose back injury and "enjoy" disability payments. I'm not talking about those (mythical?) people. I'm talking about everyday folks who live with depression, bipolar disease, fibromyalgia, MS ... BIG life altering conditions. I'm sure almost all would jump at the chance to recover but there is that tiny little voice/fear/reluctance...

I've thought about that little voice for a while but didn't speak it out loud until my firewalk this summer. Now I need to explore it more.

It's anxiety provoking to look at ugly parts of yourself. Its really scary to post it publicly, but I kind of do well with facing big things head on. I walked on hot coals after all :)

Yes. I am stalling.

I hope those who read this can accept this me being brave ... and not see this as a gratuitous sharing of something ugly....

So coming up:
1) Make a list of the ways this physical condition is serving you.
2) Make a list or consider other ways you might get these needs met.
3) Journal to the healthy part of you and ask her what she needs to feel safe. (you could do this as a free writing exercise, in other words, begin with an intention to dialogue with that part of you that lives in health, and begin with writing a question to her like "what is it that you need to feel safe?" and then disconnect from the rational part of you and let the pen go wild not worrying about what the words are or where they are coming from.

I tell my children that being brave is not the absence of fear. It is doing what needs to be done DESPITE fear.

TMI. Now what?

2009-09-17T16:35:00.003-04:00

I'm watching my two little girls play house in our living room with too much information in my hands.

I recently had another MRI - a redo of the first because they weren't able to get enough information from it. In my area of the US, standard practice for diagnostic test results is that the testing centers do not release the results directly to the patient. In most cases, the patient has to wait until they hear from the doctor - by phone, letter (for good results) or at their next appointment.

After the MRI had a week and half wait for my appointment :

I devised the perfect plan ... I called the MRI center and told them that I needed printouts of all of my reports for my disability application (true). The nice lady there said SURE, in fact I'll be sure to get your report read today so you can pick up this afternoon.

I called that afternoon however and the story had changed.

"I'm sorry ... it is center policy that we cannot release test results to the patient. You must wait to get them from your clinician."

Sooooo ... one of two possibilities had occurred. 1) She got hollered at by her supervisor, or 2) the smudges I had seen on my MRI were not just smudges.

I asked if she could drop them in the mail to me so that I could get them to my disability claims person. She agreed ... and she did.

So now I am sitting here, looking at this paper ... which is quite clearly Possibility #2.

Now what?

Before you go scolding me on being a non-medical person who shouldn't try to interpret my results,you should know that I'm not. My undergrad degree was in Behavioral Neuroscience. My grad degree was in Child Life in Family Centered Care - helping children cope with medical issues. I've worked both as a researching Medical Librarian and as a Certified Child Life Specialist. And I *know* not to interpret my results.

I know that I have no idea what an elevated C-RAP blood test result means ... and it stops at that.

But I can read a report and understand clinical findings. Especially when it is written in plain english that they found X, and that it is consistent with A, but also possibly consistent with B, C, or D.

And A, B, C and D aren't fun. They aren't cancer, but they kinda suck. Big time.

I'm not going to try to sit here and think about the future ... what this could mean, which one I might have. That is what my appointment in 8 days is for.

Right now I just have to cope with a tiny conundrum ... TMI. TMI in my hot little hands. I don't dare post on Facebook about it - my whole extended family is on there. I don't dare tell my mother and don't really want to burden my siblings about it. I honestly don't feel the need to "unburden" myself right now, so that's good. It's just weird to be sitting here on my brown ikea couch that I bought with Tina, watching my children play and knowing there is something wrong in my brain.

It actually a bit comfortable ... to know that I don't have to deal with it yet. I don't HAVE to tell my mother yet, and watch her pain. I don't have to start researching treatments.

I have eight days where I can relax ... I know EXACTLY what my results say and I don't have to live that life yet.

Circles.

2009-09-13T23:29:00.003-04:00

I've never understood our society's weird perception of grief.

Media ogles unique and exotic griefs. Empathetic strangers share, remotely, safely, the griefs of celebrated popular figures. Yet when it comes to our own griefs, our own losses ... we have no blueprint.

During my graduate degree I was blessed to intern with a children's loss/bereavement homecare program. The words of my advisor resonate with me daily.

There are many griefs in our lives ... the loss of a dream, the loss of a love, the loss of someone we hold in our heart. Many folks think "sadness", "death" when they hear the word grief but for me it is less ominous. Griefs can be those disappointments that hurt our hearts, the fear of pain to come...

There are many ways to cope with grief - too many to count - and no one person can judge the healthiness of one over the other.

One thing my advisor pointed out to me that is irrefutable, however, is the impact that grief has on our Circles.

Who is in your circle? Do you have a large family, a few very close friends, a spiritual community? Are you active in online communities? How does your grief affect your Circles?

When grief strikes most people respond in one of two ways ... some reach out to their circles, often even reaching out to create wider support circles. And others close their circles, connecting closer with those safest for them.

For some communication is therapeutic ... the worse it gets the more they reach out, lean on their widening circle. For others communication is draining ... the worse it gets the more the griever needs to just cuddle their children and turn off the phone.

I observed families through many variations on these themes. Over time I began to observe my own habits. What are yours?

When my griefs are wrenching but I can wrap my head around them - miscarriage, a bone graft, the loss of trust in a loved one - I reach out, widen my circle.

When my griefs are harder to grasp - the impact my health will have on me and my family - I close my circles.

I wish we talked more about grief with kids, with each other. I have so many dear friends who want to know what they can do, how they can help ... its especially hard to grasp if you have never closed your circles yourself. I just need them to know that I love them for loving me and that I am doing ok. This type of coping isn't about denial - neither denial of the problem nor denial of our need for support.

I'm not sitting here grieving over my fears. I'm loving my children, enjoying the energy I have. It's scary, not knowing something so big, that will impact my babies. But I know you are there if I need you :)

Wacky snacks and experimenting on my kids...

2009-09-11T17:21:00.004-04:00

My sweet friend Jenn has been kind enough to drop off extra CSA veggies every so often this summer and we have been absolutely gorging on tomatos, peaches and the like.

Tonite I felt a bit fiesty, however.

On the menu are:

Dinosaur shaped PB&Js (no I am not that artsy - I found a dino sandwich cutter in the dollar section)
Fresh edamame (instructions)
Fresh beets (instructions) ... and yes, I know there are a million other scrummy ways to serve them (you say) but see below.

Why is this so wacky?

A) I have never even SEEN fresh edamame let alone cooked it ... and my Audrey hated it the one time she tasted it 2 yrs ago.

B) I. Hate. Beets. Not only do I hate beets, but I have never prepared beets AND some of the more academic members of my family once did a bit of research and concluded that there is actually a genetic predisposition for disliking beets. For more info and some neat homeschool resources, check out this info on Super Tasters - members of the population who taste differently than others.

When asked not one single biologically related member of my family on the Portuguese side liked beets ... the general consensus was "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLRGH - they taste like dirt!!" . Of the family members who had taken a super-taster test (commonly done in highschool biology these days), ALL were super tasters ... and ALL hate beets.

So here I am cooking up a pot of beets *insert maniacal laugh here* and experimenting to see what my kids think. Of course they have no idea of the icky shuddering factor here.

Not looking so positive as Audrey just asked me if I was boiling the dirt off the beets ..., "Momma, I smell dirt cooking." Sigh. Chip off the old wacky momma.

Looking for a roadmap.

2009-09-10T21:29:00.003-04:00

I'm stuck.

I hopped in my car, packed up my family, drove down the roads I drive on everyday, aimed for the same familiar places we are used to haunting. And wouldn't you know it ... we're lost.

The roads have been under construction quite a bit for the last three years so we have become very adept at finding new routes ... sometimes we find ways to get to our favorite places with a little extra planning. Sometimes the roads are just closed and we have to find new places to go.

At the end of July, however, I came home from two back-to-back family vacations and found out that there was apparently an earthquake or something.

Almost none of the roads are open now ... and no one can tell me what happened. Oddest thing.

I keep hoping that construction will be done soon, but the powers that be have no idea how long it will take. I lean on friends and family and thankfully we can get to our have-to's and some of our want-to's. We're finding new ways to bring the joy back ... a market we hadn't found before, a library that can come to us even if we can't get to them.

I just don't like driving around too long without knowing where I am going ... I'm afraid of running out of gas.

So if you happen to be talking to the folks who build the roads, tell them I understand it takes time and I know it is completely unpredictable ... just drop me a map once in a while and I promise I won't complain.

Num num num...

2009-09-09T15:19:00.003-04:00

Happiness is having leftovers I actually ENJOY eating.

A couple nights ago I made a sort of braised beef for the girls. They thought it was ok but my husband and I swooned.

Easy Braised Beef in tomato sauce

Butter or oil of your choice for browning
1- 1.5 lbs steak*
Emeril's essence (this adds a spicy kick, go easy on this or make your spice mix without cayenne if you dislike spice)
1/2 - 3/4 jar of tomato sauce or 1-2 cups homemade sauce
1-2 cups beef stock (as needed)
3 cloves of garlic, chopped
1 small-to-medium onion, chopped
red pepper flakes

Cut your meat into a few large pieces (3x3 in or so). Sprinkle both sides well with Emeril's Essence spice blend.

Heat a sturdy high sided skillet (I like my lodge 3inch cast iron best) over medium heat. Add butter/oil. When butter/oil is hot, add your meat and brown on all sides. This step adds alot of flavor and only takes a few minutes.

Add a cup of stock, the tomato sauce, onion and garlic. Bring to a high simmer and then turn down heat until just simmering. Add a SMALL amount of red pepper flakes at this point if you want this to have a spicy kick, omit if you don't. Since this sauce will simmer a while and reduce the heat of the red pepper gets concentrated.

*Cover and simmer for as long as it takes meat to be tender and cooked through - this varies based on cut of meat and thickness. If sauce is getting too thick, add more stock as needed.

I served this for the kids over mini-penne pasta but my husband and I liked it better over shortgrain brown rice. It's a warm cozy meal that reheats great. I refridgerate leftovers but they will freeze well as well. If saving as leftovers keep meat and sauce separate from rice or pasta and package separately.

Waiting.

2009-09-08T21:41:00.003-04:00

A mother spends years, if not decades trying to help their children understand waiting. I have a five year old and an almost three year old ... its always interesting for me to watch them process things similarly, differently.

Some things never change.

Children and adults of every age all have times when they just feel little. Small. I think alot of things that are hard for small children are just as difficult when adults feel little. Frustration, anger, loneliness, fear. We forget our coping skills.

I'm waiting right now. On thursday my neurologist will give me my most recent test results. I say most recent because another battery will follow this appointment. I'm trying not to focus on the fact that she moved the appointment up two weeks and just keeping doing the things I do everyday... and that usually works.

But every once in a while, when I get too tired, too hungry, to overwhelmed, I just feel small ... and I suddenly feel alot more compassion for my two little girls, learning all these things for the first of many times.

Tina's Famous Salsa Chicken - base recipe

2009-09-08T19:50:00.000-04:00

You will find me using this recipe (or the theories behind it) as a hopping off point for alot of entrees.

6-8 boneless chicken breasts
1 jar salsa*
1/2-1 cup heavy cream

Preheat oven to 400F

Moosh together in a glass baking pan. Cook one hour. Serve over rice or pasta. Also lovely with steamed veggies or corn on the cob.

* Your choice of salsa can turn this into as many meals as you can think of. I make mild for the kiddos (the spice intensifies with cooking) and medium if I am just cooking for spice lovers. My father in law suggested a sweet one would be nice and I keep meaning to try it with a peach salsa...

The big one cleaned her plate ... one outta two ain't bad...

2009-09-08T19:38:00.000-04:00

Tonight's dinner was a hit with the big one (hey, better than nothing). I did a skillet variation on Tina's famous salsa chicken - see next post for THAT recipe - and Audrey inhaled it.

I'm going to warn you - my recipes are vague and imprecise...

Skillet salsa chicken...

2 chicken breasts, Thin cut or pounded a bit as you like
1/2 jar salsa
1 cup chicken stock (add more if needed)
1/4 cup heavy cream, light cream or similar

Take a room temperature skillet; Add all ingredients, moosh them around until mixed. Put over medium heat until sauce is at a simmer. Turn down to med low (or whatever is required to keep sauce at a simmer) and cover. Cook until chicken is cooked through and sauce is creamy, slightly thickened. If needed, add more stock to thin.

I served it with shortgrain brown rice - I cook 3 cups at a time in my ricecooker and freeze the extra in single servings.

Welcome to my little hideaway...

2009-09-08T19:28:00.000-04:00

I often say to my friends that I live under a rock. So welcome :)

I'm a stay-at-home, sometimes work-from-home mom to two little girls who make my eyeballs spin round in my skull with such frequency that I keep waiting for someone to film it and post it on youtube.

I'm living a slightly wonky existence, adjusting to a disability that changes frequently so you may see alot of food posts here. That's because when I actually can cook a meal, I get pretty proud of it :D

So thanks for peeking in ... we have plenty of room!